Overflow

I'd love to find a way to write about my life without feeling like all I am doing is complaining about the same things over and over and over again.

There are lots of things going on around here.  Not that you'd know it by my severe lack of blogging.
I just feel like I don't have anything new to say.  It's the same old stuff.

How many times can I write about our ongoing money problems before you (and me both) start to wonder what the hell is wrong with us?  How many times can I express concerns about Michael's tantrums and my failed attempts to find a counselor for him (because I can't get anyone to return a frickin' phone call)?  How many times can I write about feeling overwhelmed or off-track (possibly this is just my permanent state of being)?

It all starts to sound like one big loop to me.  I'm not interested in repeating myself yet again but here I am anyway!

I MISS writing!  And I miss feeling like I have a range of worthwhile things to write about.  There are lots of fun, good things going on.  Chloe is mostly potty trained (!!!) and ready for her first real preschool experience.  Michael is about to start FIRST grade.  Liam is so ready for Kindergarten, he can taste it.  Both boys got to meet their teachers and visit their classrooms today.

Every time I sit down to consider writing, it all just starts to feel very dull and uninteresting.

This summer was definitely not the one I had planned in my head.  I figured that once I started working, finances would ease up (see, there's THAT topic again) and we'd be able to do some fun activities with the kids. As you can guess, that hasn't happened.  We did take a beach trip back in June (thank you tax refund!) and we also got to the Philadelphia Zoo just once (in spite of having a membership). We've done some play dates and spent an overnight at the beach again in August thanks to my parents.  But the entire summer has felt like a bunch of running around (for my job) to simply stand still.  I feel so guilty- like we haven't done fun things, even just around the house.  I feel like I've let my kids down.

I thought that finding regular babysitters would make work scheduling easier/less stressful.  Thanks to lack of funds, I wasn't able to utilize the babysitters to my full advantage.  I'm just desperately trying to keep working and now with the school year beginning, it's actually going to get worse because 4 of my 5 clients are school-aged kids which means I'll be working evenings quite often.  This would be fine except that Mike is often scheduled for some evening shifts at his job and some weeks are very tough to work out.

I am starting to feel hopeless and I know that Mike is getting to that point too.  It's not a fun state of mind.
It creates tension and strained relationships.  It makes you feel like you just want to pull back from everyone around you.
Because you just feel like one big drain on everyone's patience and generosity.  I'm tired of being the needy friend.

I think I'm starting to lose my ability to even notice the positive because most days are getting the best of me.  I have no patience with my children or with Mike.  I have no patience with myself.  It's times like this when writing should be a release or an outlet but for me, it just becomes a very harsh mirror.

This is not meant in a "poor me" way.  Not at all.  It's just an honest look into my heart.  
I can hardly even type this out.  I don't know if I'll decide to "publish".

I'd really like to effect a true change for us.  But I just don't even know where to begin.