COVID 19 Has Resurrected This Blog?!

Over these past few weeks, I have thought about this blog many times over. I have started to write posts in my head and then quickly abandoned them as new thoughts replaced whatever it was I was going to rant about. Up until now, you have been spared-- if you are unfortunate enough to get any type of notification on this blog, your time is up.

I am finding that I just need an outlet other than Facebook. Anything posted there is up for far too much controversy. Maybe I just want to put my thoughts out there without quite so much feedback. Don't get me wrong, I am always open to other views and I find that listening to differing points helps me have empathy. What I cannot stand are the verbal smackdowns that often take place in the comments section. It stresses me just to be an observer of that on someone else's thread.

So here I am....quarantine....online school....not currently working...remaining cautious but hopeful. I thought I might just do a quick "Top 10" style list by way of catching up and just noting where my head is right now.  Here we go:

1. The kids are 13, 12 and 10. 8th, 7th and 4th grade. Sully (fur child) is 4. They are growing so fast and my middle child is officially taller than me as of about 2 weeks ago.  This makes him very happy.

2. On most days, my mindset is very much "it is what it is" and I just kind of go through my day without overthinking or fretting. Then there are OTHER days where I am like what the f is this? how can we keep doing this? what is going to happen to everyone financially? omg, dystopian society is only a heartbeat away and I am ill-equipped for such circumstances. I've read all the books- canNOT handle that.

3. My dad, who has Parkinson's and dementia, has been at a facility in a memory care unit since early November. His facility has been fortunate in holding off a major outbreak of COVID19 but a little over 2 weeks ago, his unit DID have positive cases and my father ended up testing positive and has been in quarantine in another unit. He has, THANKFULLY, been asymptomatic. Provided he remains that way, he will be able to go back to his regular room at the end of this week. My mom and I have not seen him in person since mid March, literally the day before the facility was closed off to outside visitors. We haven't had a video chat since he changed units. Hopefully this weekend we can have one and hopefully, he remembers us! My mom is healthy and handling things pretty well. She lives close so I have been able to see her/help her regularly.

4. I left my job as a claims adjuster for auto insurance at the end of January for a variety of reasons and was in the process of getting an emergency teaching certification to fill in as a substitute teacher in our school district when an office position posted for our elementary school. I was interviewing as state restrictions were ramping up and I got the job but have not been able to start the job due to schools being closed. This puts me in a weird position of not qualifying for unemployment since I voluntarily quit my last job (on good terms) but didn't actually start my new job. I am appealing that to see if I have any recourse (probably not). I had plans of working for a summer camp program and have also been hired for that BUT that situation is obviously very uncertain. Mike works a retail schedule and with the kids + no child care options, I have to be thoughtful about what type of job I take for the summer. This is why summer camp was perfect- kids come with, my oldest was going to be a counselor in training. This is the camp they have attended for the past 2 summers while I was working full time. Great fit for us.

5. I have been doing my best to keep in touch with family and friends for my own mental health and to be aware of the kids' mental and emotional health through all of this. What a crazy, surreal experience. Zoom/Skype and the like have been super helpful. My phone conversations have been much longer and much more fulfilling. Having good friends is always such a positive in life and in times like this, friendship is absolutely priceless.

6. I have made a concerted effort to limit my news consumption as well as reading too many Facebook posts that move into contentious territory. All it does is piss me off. That's it. Nothing changes, I just get stressed.

7. I have a diverse group of people in my circle from die hard Trump haters to totally pro Trump to this is all a conspiracy (bill gates, 5G, microchip vaccines). When I found out my Dad tested positive for COVID19, one of my conspiracy friends tried to go down the road of false reporting, false tests, "I would take my dad out of the facility" and I had to shut her down. WTF is wrong with people? I would NEVER say that to someone who was worried about their loved one. Even if I was thinking it- just, no. She said I hope the nursing home is communicating with you- they are 100% and have since my Dad has been there- and that advice is appreciated. But to start with the other stuff? Not the time...luckily she has not tried to revisit this.

8. Familywise, we are hanging tough. Of course, we are getting on each other's nerves and some days are just hard. But overall, things are very average. The kids are handling online school fairly well-- I keep emphasizing that there really aren't many more school days left so just buckle down and get 'er done. The upside of me not working is that I am available to help them. I can tell you that if I were working from home right now in my claims job, I have no idea what they would be doing because I would not have been able to do a damn thing to assist them between the hours of 9 and 5:30. So we may be broke but I have been able to support them through this.

9. Our dog Sully 100% loves having everyone home. He is a little bored some days since he is used to going to "doggie daycare" once a week and playing with his furry friends but they have been closed anyway and the cost would not be doable on our current income. They are due to reopen later this month so I may have to squeeze in a day for him at some point. He has been getting lots of walks, hikes, playtime and treats but Sully loves other dogs. We have been toying with the idea of a 2nd dog. Probably a stupid decision but there are a couple of foster-to-adopt dogs we are thinking about...

10. I have nothing for this one but I made it a top 10 list so I feel obligated to fulfill my initial intention. If anyone does still read, drop a comment. Maybe you will add a post to your dusty old blog as well? I came into this post with a litany of complaints but what has come out has been a little less bitter so there is hope for me yet!!

Simplify

Sometimes I really like to get lost in the details.  Sometimes the process of planning to do something becomes more important than actually completing the task.  Sometimes (many times!) I get very, very involved in a project that never really pans out.

When I was thinking of what I'd to focus on in 2015, I almost resorted back to standard resolutions, the main attraction being the rather vague "Get Organized!!".  

The recent holiday prep time was a glaring reminder of exactly how much I have let things slip around our home life.  Trust me when I tell you that I gave up the quest for homemaking perfection a looong time ago.  But I am talking about mounds of clean laundry left unfolded for absurd amounts of time, a basement in disarray because nothing ever makes its way back "home", lost papers, STACKS of papers from school/mail, the absence of any useful filing system (where there used to be a really good one!).  Seriously, the paper thing borders on hoarding.  It's really just a general lack of keeping up with everything that a household of 5 entails.  When you let everything go, catching up becomes a huge task.

I know that I have ALL the tools to fix this situation.  The paper, for one example: files, labels, bins, a system, yeah- it's all there, ready to be used.  It is a system I have used for YEARS.  And yet...it's not happening.  I lack motivation!

In reflecting on some of the clutter and crap that really doesn't need to be around our home (ditto for the mental clutter that is plaguing me lately), I realized that I don't want to go back to a list like "1. Get Organized, 2. Plan meals...".  Not that there is anything wrong with making goals in that way.  But there is a huge temptation for me to get caught up--actually STUCK--in the planning mode.  It's a hazard for me and it will end up with me investing lots of time and energy in the "how to do this" part and zero time in the "get 'er done" part.

So I am going to stick with an idea that was brought to my attention a few years ago via bloggy friend Midwest Mom.  For my own reference, this is my recap of what started in 2011.  Choosing one word to be the focal point for the year.  My word for 2015 is "Simplify".

My hope is that this will inspire me to keep things simple and avoid unnecessary complication.  This could apply to so many areas of life, not just the physical space I occupy.

I don't know that I will get to this blog more often as a result but perhaps if I truly brace this, it really will free me to return to some of things I love to do.

If anyone still reads this, I'd love to know your word.  I always find it so inspiring!!  Leave it in the comments or a link to your own post :)

Happy 2015!!!

Blog? What blog?!?!

I thought of something to write about and didn't immediately become a self-deprecating ball of anxiety and stress so here goes...


The purpose of the only other post I have written so far this year was to document my "one little word" for the new year. I thought it would be good to reflect on how I am doing since we are more than half way through the year.


My word for 2014: Present


To be perfectly honest, I am failing miserably so far. I feel like my ability to be present is seriously flawed. Feeling quite defeated a couple of months ago, I even read a book entitled "10% Happier" (written by a journalist who found his way to meditation following an on-air panic attack--written from the context of his career and life experiences and it was overall a decent read). I read this thinking that maybe it would provide more of a foundation for me and help me get on track (or at least get me closer to the track!).


Have I done anything different since the start of the year or since reading that book? Um, no.


I don't really feel like I have been able to put solid effort into any real change. I can think of many different ideas on how to be more present in the moment but embracing those ideas is another story. For a while, each night I would renew my vow to work on it. The next morning? I was not making it happen...I am still not making it happen.


Good intentions are great but I am finding it VERY challenging to put my ideas into action. I feel stuck and inadequate. I can rally my motivation for maybe a day and then it just falls apart. I fall apart.


I started this new year feeling very hopeful. Feeling like this could be the true transition year for us, when some things fall into place and as a couple, Mike and I can shift our focus to people and places and needs beyond our own.


All I can say, in the interest of keeping it real, is that I have alot of room for improvement. I am not parenting the way I aspire to, I am not being the marriage partner that I truly want to be. And the truth is, I can blame circumstances, stress, issues, and all that...but none of that can fully excuse my lack of consistent effort.

So I'm here, writing....this has been missing from my life for a really long time.  I don't know if this will be a fresh start or another failed attempt to revitalize this part of my life.  But I'm here right now, present to myself and my own thoughts, with no distractions.  Deep breaths and baby steps...

Back to Normal

I am so not ready for the return to normalcy that happens tomorrow.

Well, I am ready for a return to routine- aside from the academic stuff, the kids need to get back to school and have some time to miss each other!  It's been a little tough here for the past 3 days.

Aside from that, while I've tackled my laundry mountain, most of the Christmas stuff- including the tree- is still here.  The gifts are all over the place under the tree and I've got my babysitting job resuming tomorrow morning.  I am watching a 19 month old and an almost 6 month old (both girls),  I watch them Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.  The baby obviously isn't mobile yet but the older one is---gotta do a quick sweep for small pieces, reset the pack-n-plays for nap time and remember what's it like to get the boys ready for school in the morning.  Plus Chloe has preschool, so I need to drive her and bring the other two along...whew!

We were busy this weekend with a party yesterday and (finally!) getting together with my mother-in-law for Christmas today.  Our original date was cancelled due to her having a stomach bug.  I loved all the fun this weekend but it seriously set me back in terms of getting things done.  Oh well!

Fortunately, Mike's days off fall on Tuesday and Wednesday this week- for that, I am grateful.  This will allow me to get caught up with everything- I hope!  Chloe has a field trip on Wednesday morning and while we have to take her to the location, parents aren't supposed to tag along.  It's a place around here that has several shops.  So the kids go on a tour and do various activities.  There is a coffee shop so I plan to hang there with Mike--kind of like a mini date :)

For now, I should end and go address my house.  Try to get as much of a clean slate as possible when one chooses to begin such tasks at 11:15pm!