Feeling the loss

Sometimes words can't describe the hurt that one person can cause another.
Even though you might try to deny it, other people can hurt you with their words and actions.
Possibly more than they realize...or perhaps they know exactly what they are doing?
I don't even want to write about this. I have been avoiding it for at least a month.

If you were reading here last summer, you might recall that my best friend for more than half of my life opted to end our friendship in July by writing me a card with 7 or 8 sentences...and that was it.

Since that time, I have tried to contact her 3 different ways, spaced out over several months.

The day I received her card, I called her and had to leave voicemail because she didn't answer. I expected this and had a plan for what I wanted to say. The message was neither spiteful nor cowardly...I think I said exactly what I needed to say. I ended it with something along the lines of 'for me, the door of friendship is always open'. I received no response.

In August, she turned 35. I sent her an email with simple birthday wishes & explained that I just couldn't let such an important birthday pass by without wishing her well. No response.

In December, after MUCH deliberation, I sent her a Christmas card. It made me sad that I even had to think about whether or not to send it. Would the world explode if I simply mailed a card? As you can imagine, no response...

I know that she is the one who chose to end the friendship...so why would she respond to me at all?

Even so, I still feel betrayed on many levels. I feel like the least she could have done was to have a word with me and offer some sort of explanation. It's clear that she just wanted to cut me out of her life and move on. But I just don't understand why such a drastic action was necessary. It bothers me that there was no big blowup that led to this end. It just sort of happened in a vacuum.

But maybe my perception is skewed? It's true that our friendship had been rocky for a couple of years. But I always felt we had such a firm foundation that we could weather a few storms and still be okay. I was so completely wrong.

And the sad truth is that I miss my friendship with her. Even as we drifted apart, I still called her my best friend and still counted her as a critical part of my life. There are loose ends now- there are things I could talk with her about & I just knew she would understand without a lengthy explanation--because she has known me for so long. I am blessed with so many amazing, wonderful friends... I really shouldn't complain. But I no longer have that one perfect go-to person...I've never been without one until now.

I am still processing through this hurt. It's almost like someone died (but I don't want to compare that too closely because it isn't the same thing). But she cut me off so swiftly, it feels like she doesn't exist anymore.

I hope that time will help me heal. Because this loss is a tough one for me to move past.