In effort to stop thinking about all the ridiculously horrific things going on in my local school district, I'm going to write about something different. Remember I have those three children...
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| This is from June 2013...birthday boys :) |
The kids had to attend the viewing with us because we didn't have a sitter and both Mike and I wanted to go. So I sat the kids down and explained to them what a viewing is, literally drew a picture of how the funeral home would be set up and then let them know that they could stay in another room of the funeral home if they didn't feel comfortable in the actual viewing room. It turned out that all 3 decided to participate and I think they were okay with it overall. We haven't had much in the way of negative side effects (fears, bad dreams). I kept my explanations very matter-of-fact.
A little humor came from this situation. You should know that based on my descriptions, the kids decided to call the casket a "bed box". I explained to all 3 that if they had questions about anything during the viewing they should keep the question quiet in their heart until we were back outside. I said that some people might be upset or tearful and sometimes it isn't a good time to ask questions. All was well until Liam decides to ask, in his loud voice, "But who actually put Andy in the bed box?!" Luckily, I don't think anyone was paying attention.
Afterwards they asked questions about what was included with Andy in the casket...among them "Where did he get those jewels?!"(He had 2 rings on plus military medals).
While the boys were in school the day of the funeral itself, Chloe had to come with me. One aftermath I've noticed is that she has questions about the cemetery. She was very good that day and took part in placing flowers on top of the casket. In fact, the funeral director gave her 5 or 6 flowers and she took great care to place each flower. I could hardly hold back tears because it was so sweet and innocent. When we got back in the car, we had to wait a while before driving- luckily I had packed snacks/drinks so Chloe was all set there. She did ask me how Andy would get his flowers since the lid was closed and as we were driving she asked "We're just going to leave him here?!?". Those explanations were a bit harder to come by but I did my best to explain a burial without being too creepy...I mean, this stuff sounds scary, right? Later, there were some questions from all three kids about death and dying but nothing too over-the-top.
I hadn't heard much about it in a while and then something must have resurfaced. Chloe climbed into bed with me a few mornings ago...at like, 5:00 AM. She immediately began asking me how Andy can be with God if he is in the ground and God is in the sky. So...yeah. What did I say?
I didn't think we've really promoted the "heaven is in the sky" idea but apparently, we have. So I told her that our bodies are only for the earth and that when someone goes to heaven, it's their spirit that goes and the body stays here. I mean, how do you talk about a spirit without using a ghost reference so I went with that image but said it wasn't a scary kind of ghost, it's just how your spirit can go to heaven. Chloe seemed to accept this and promptly snuggled back asleep next to me.
Then two nights ago, Liam was upset before bed. At some point, he and Chloe must have talked because he had already asked me earlier in the day about bodies going to heaven and spirits and whatnot. He and Michael had been talking about something and I don't know HOW they took the topic to this level BUT Liam was teary-eyed telling me that he was afraid to die. He said (at 6 years old) "But I'm afraid of dying because when you die you don't ever, ever, ever get to come back!!!!" What did I say? I told him that I understood why he felt scared, I gave him hugs and kisses. I hate making promises around death and dying because, I mean, what if something happened within our family or with a classmate or whatever. So I told him that he is very young and a healthy guy and I didn't think he needed to worry about dying right now. I told him I was glad he told me his feelings and that he can always, always come talk to me or Daddy about any of his worries or thoughts. These small comforts seemed to do his heart some good and he was able to settle down and get some sleep.
There are many things that I find hard about parenting but these kinds of discussions...where we are skirting philosophy, values and honestly, stuff that really MATTERS...I find these topics are the ones I want to get just right.
It makes the areas of time-outs and rules and structure seem HIGHLY insignificant by comparison. This is where it's at...when my children come to me with tough questions, with uncomfortable thoughts, with legitimate worries--and I mean, Thank GOD they are coming to me--Can I come up with answers that provide a foundation without completely limiting their own thought process? I don't know if I am doing that because my top goal is generally to comfort. And we are raising our children Catholic so we have certain beliefs about an afterlife that go along with that.
I don't know if I am getting it right but all I can do is hope for 2 things:
1. That these precious people keep turning to Mike and I
and
2. That even if I'm not right, hopefully I'm close enough
3 comments:
I think that's all we hope for- to get close enough. And you're talking about it with other folks, so you'll get some ideas and keep going... but doncha wish we had a bit more time to prep for some of these questions? Who knew parenting was pop-quiz-all-the-time-and-you-don't-even-know-what-subject.
If it helps with the separation piece, there's a bible passage that says "nothing can separate us from the love of Christ" - so you can use that to springboard into the 'reunited in heaven' issue (instead of going away forever!).
And it sounds like you did a great job being matter of fact about it (i.e. you're young and probably not going to die soon). This stuff is hard. and what's harder, for me, is the emotional piece- saying "I'm sad because this person died" and letting them see that-- but not overwhelming them with my emotion. IDK if that's just my thing, though :)
Sometimes funeral homes or hospice has brochures about talking to kids about dying. They helped me out a wee bit...
Love a good bible verse! In a strange way, we were fortunate to have the chance to talk about death when it was a person who was close to our family but not quite family which made things easier. Mike and I discussed feeling even a bit relieved that the kids could attend a viewing that was not AS emotional for us. No one wants to think about losing loved ones but it can happen any time. MamaK, I know you know this all too well ((hugs)). Thanks for your ideas and as always, your support in this parenting process. This is an ongoing quiz that is tough to study for ;)
Those are big questions and important ones.
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