Blog? What blog?!?!

I thought of something to write about and didn't immediately become a self-deprecating ball of anxiety and stress so here goes...


The purpose of the only other post I have written so far this year was to document my "one little word" for the new year. I thought it would be good to reflect on how I am doing since we are more than half way through the year.


My word for 2014: Present


To be perfectly honest, I am failing miserably so far. I feel like my ability to be present is seriously flawed. Feeling quite defeated a couple of months ago, I even read a book entitled "10% Happier" (written by a journalist who found his way to meditation following an on-air panic attack--written from the context of his career and life experiences and it was overall a decent read). I read this thinking that maybe it would provide more of a foundation for me and help me get on track (or at least get me closer to the track!).


Have I done anything different since the start of the year or since reading that book? Um, no.


I don't really feel like I have been able to put solid effort into any real change. I can think of many different ideas on how to be more present in the moment but embracing those ideas is another story. For a while, each night I would renew my vow to work on it. The next morning? I was not making it happen...I am still not making it happen.


Good intentions are great but I am finding it VERY challenging to put my ideas into action. I feel stuck and inadequate. I can rally my motivation for maybe a day and then it just falls apart. I fall apart.


I started this new year feeling very hopeful. Feeling like this could be the true transition year for us, when some things fall into place and as a couple, Mike and I can shift our focus to people and places and needs beyond our own.


All I can say, in the interest of keeping it real, is that I have alot of room for improvement. I am not parenting the way I aspire to, I am not being the marriage partner that I truly want to be. And the truth is, I can blame circumstances, stress, issues, and all that...but none of that can fully excuse my lack of consistent effort.

So I'm here, writing....this has been missing from my life for a really long time.  I don't know if this will be a fresh start or another failed attempt to revitalize this part of my life.  But I'm here right now, present to myself and my own thoughts, with no distractions.  Deep breaths and baby steps...