Formidable Four/Gaining Perspective

Here is the beginning of a post that I started writing about 2 weeks ago...

for·mi·da·ble

1: causing fear, dread, or apprehension
2: having qualities that discourage approach or attack
3: tending to inspire awe or wonder
 
For my purposes, let's go with definition #1 (maybe #2?) from the always helpful Merriam-Webster website.
Michael turned 4 on June 10th.  And while Michael has always been the squwakiest of my children (beginning with colic at only a few weeks old), I find his new way of doing business with me to be particularly formidable.
 
Aside from general opposition, he has added the following to his bag of tricks:
 
1. Backtalk that would make any sullen teenager think that he should step up his game.  CONSTANT backtalk.  If my direction/request isn't altogether ignored, he gives me reasons why he doesn't need to comply and suggestions for his alternate action.
 
2. Negotiating that would make any lawyer or business tycoon proud.  You know how behavioral approaches tell you to give choices or use an "IF...Then" statement?  Example: "If you eat your green beans, then you can have a another roll"...or the other variation known as a "First, Then" statement eg. "First eat your green beans, then you may have another roll".  Well, this bit of brilliance is completely wasted on Michael.  He now counters back with his own If-Then/First-Then.  An example, "If you make me something else for dinner, then I will eat it".

***This is as far as I got***

I was all set to complete the post by discussing my overwhelming frustration and my fears that Michael was on the road to a true behavior problem.  I was trying to figure out if I needed to get him started with some counseling.  Seriously, this is where my head was.  I felt like there was no moment of peace in any given day.  I felt like he was out of control and I was failing miserably as a mother.  I was desperate for advice and help.

Then my post got sidetracked (as many of them do) and I didn't finish it so it never posted.  In the meantime, Mike and I have been talking about our parenting tactics and things that we need to change to make things work better around here.  I started really paying attention to our words, tone of voice, reaction times, everything.  I had a great chat with my friend Angela, who assured me that she is experiencing similar things with her 4-year-old...she pointed out that she and her husband have also been thinking about the way they talk to each other (using sarcasm, bickering, etc.) and how those very normal things might be interpreted differently in the 4-year-old world vs. the adult world.

I'm not here to tell you that everything is perfect or that I've found some magic solution to the concerns.  But the simple fact that I started to observe and take note of the details of our every day interactions really has made a difference in how I view the situation.  I don't feel quite so lost and that's a good thing.  I am now in more of a problem-solving mode rather than an inactive/all-worry mode.  I'll keep you updated on how we are doing...

While we are a work in progress, what I really wanted to capture tonight was this:
Yesterday and today have been easy days for whatever the reason.  And for the first time in far too long, I got to look at Michael and have a sense of wonder about him again.  I marveled at how beautiful he is...I watched his mouth form his words as he chatted about some silly thing...I listened to him making up a pretend play story with Liam...he 'read' a story to Chloe...we had conversations rather than debates... we had some time just the two of us...I enjoyed him so, so much!

In the midst of all the struggles, I've forgotten to stop and soak him in every so often.  Who knows what I've missed by letting my own frustration cloud my view?  It's so easy to feel this way all of the time towards Chloe- who at 11 months is an easy going, joyful baby who worst habit is trying to stick her hand in her poop during a diaper change (it's not fun but it's manageable).  Or Liam, who is happy by nature and just so into discovering things--and his bad moods are short-lived.  Michael can seem like an ogre by comparison.

But something allowed me to rediscover Michael as the curious, thoughtful, funny, energetic boy that he is.  And I know a few moms- here and other places- who have pointed out how mom has the power to set the mood for the entire household.

I hope that when things get tough, I can remember this.  I hope I remember to step back from the emotion, open my eyes to what is going on, and change my own approach first...before I go off the deep end, thinking the very worst.  It's possible that any one of my children will need something above and beyond what would constitute "normal".  I just want to be sure I am always starting with the basics.

I am writing this here to help me remember when the going gets rough...