Formidable Four/Gaining Perspective

Here is the beginning of a post that I started writing about 2 weeks ago...

for·mi·da·ble

1: causing fear, dread, or apprehension
2: having qualities that discourage approach or attack
3: tending to inspire awe or wonder
 
For my purposes, let's go with definition #1 (maybe #2?) from the always helpful Merriam-Webster website.
Michael turned 4 on June 10th.  And while Michael has always been the squwakiest of my children (beginning with colic at only a few weeks old), I find his new way of doing business with me to be particularly formidable.
 
Aside from general opposition, he has added the following to his bag of tricks:
 
1. Backtalk that would make any sullen teenager think that he should step up his game.  CONSTANT backtalk.  If my direction/request isn't altogether ignored, he gives me reasons why he doesn't need to comply and suggestions for his alternate action.
 
2. Negotiating that would make any lawyer or business tycoon proud.  You know how behavioral approaches tell you to give choices or use an "IF...Then" statement?  Example: "If you eat your green beans, then you can have a another roll"...or the other variation known as a "First, Then" statement eg. "First eat your green beans, then you may have another roll".  Well, this bit of brilliance is completely wasted on Michael.  He now counters back with his own If-Then/First-Then.  An example, "If you make me something else for dinner, then I will eat it".

***This is as far as I got***

I was all set to complete the post by discussing my overwhelming frustration and my fears that Michael was on the road to a true behavior problem.  I was trying to figure out if I needed to get him started with some counseling.  Seriously, this is where my head was.  I felt like there was no moment of peace in any given day.  I felt like he was out of control and I was failing miserably as a mother.  I was desperate for advice and help.

Then my post got sidetracked (as many of them do) and I didn't finish it so it never posted.  In the meantime, Mike and I have been talking about our parenting tactics and things that we need to change to make things work better around here.  I started really paying attention to our words, tone of voice, reaction times, everything.  I had a great chat with my friend Angela, who assured me that she is experiencing similar things with her 4-year-old...she pointed out that she and her husband have also been thinking about the way they talk to each other (using sarcasm, bickering, etc.) and how those very normal things might be interpreted differently in the 4-year-old world vs. the adult world.

I'm not here to tell you that everything is perfect or that I've found some magic solution to the concerns.  But the simple fact that I started to observe and take note of the details of our every day interactions really has made a difference in how I view the situation.  I don't feel quite so lost and that's a good thing.  I am now in more of a problem-solving mode rather than an inactive/all-worry mode.  I'll keep you updated on how we are doing...

While we are a work in progress, what I really wanted to capture tonight was this:
Yesterday and today have been easy days for whatever the reason.  And for the first time in far too long, I got to look at Michael and have a sense of wonder about him again.  I marveled at how beautiful he is...I watched his mouth form his words as he chatted about some silly thing...I listened to him making up a pretend play story with Liam...he 'read' a story to Chloe...we had conversations rather than debates... we had some time just the two of us...I enjoyed him so, so much!

In the midst of all the struggles, I've forgotten to stop and soak him in every so often.  Who knows what I've missed by letting my own frustration cloud my view?  It's so easy to feel this way all of the time towards Chloe- who at 11 months is an easy going, joyful baby who worst habit is trying to stick her hand in her poop during a diaper change (it's not fun but it's manageable).  Or Liam, who is happy by nature and just so into discovering things--and his bad moods are short-lived.  Michael can seem like an ogre by comparison.

But something allowed me to rediscover Michael as the curious, thoughtful, funny, energetic boy that he is.  And I know a few moms- here and other places- who have pointed out how mom has the power to set the mood for the entire household.

I hope that when things get tough, I can remember this.  I hope I remember to step back from the emotion, open my eyes to what is going on, and change my own approach first...before I go off the deep end, thinking the very worst.  It's possible that any one of my children will need something above and beyond what would constitute "normal".  I just want to be sure I am always starting with the basics.

I am writing this here to help me remember when the going gets rough...

Exposure...

I am not an overly private person. Some things I prefer to keep to myself but most of the time, I am an open book. I have found over time that it is better to be open because then you also have the opportunity to gain support/advice/whathaveyou from others who totally "get" your situation.

Despite this being my usual way of doing things, I totally want to unpost my last post...about my 'top 3' fail moments as a mom.

I keep thinking I should have read it over one last time or just deleted it altogether. I feel like it makes me sound terrible...and I feel a tremendous need to back-pedal. To tell you of the moments that go RIGHT for me as a parent...to give you some evidence that I am not a complete witch.

But I think I will just leave it as is. Because it's real and it's the truth. And if this blog isn't honest, then why do I bother to write it at all?

Naptime Stories

In my new battle to preserve the boys' naptime (or at least quiet time) at all costs, I am willing to try just about anything to get at least an hour of time where I can be completely focused on Chloe...or catch a nap if Chloe happens to be sleepy as well.

I have had some shameful parenting moments during these daily naptime power struggles. Last week, I decided that I was tired of each day escalating into a battle of wills- especially since it doesn't seem that my will prevails. And it makes for a miserable afternoon either way. So after a hellish, no nap, lots of yelling, lots o whining Friday, I chose to handle things differently beginning with the weekend. On Saturday, Mike was at a 1:00pm Flyers game (Bday gift from moi) so I didn't have an extra set of hands on deck as naptime approached but I was determined to avoid the scream fest.

While I was getting Michael and Liam settled, they were doing their usual routine of flopping around on their beds, laughing, jumping and basically getting charged up to resist sleep. Regular stories have not been going over very well--and these are two boys who have always loved books-- so in the moment, an idea came into my mind.

I told them that I was going to tell them a story that I had made up...they were interested enough to quiet down and actually listen. So I told the story of Michael and Liam, who had a good day so far at soccer class, and now were ready to take a good nap. They had fun playing when they woke up from the nap and had a special cupcake treat after dinner because they took a good nap.

I know, I know--BRIBERY...I said upfront that I have tried just about everything to entice them into nap. In general, the promise of a reward is not enough to guarantee compliance--even when the cupcake is a special Valentine's day edition made by "Tastycake". So my thought was if I incorporated it into a story, they might connect to the idea and it might actually work.

I told my story with more detail than what I wrote above, but you get the idea. After I finished, Michael said "My Turn!" and proceeded to tell his own story which involved Michael and Liam going for a walk in the snow, having hot chocolate and watching "Shaun the Sheep" (Disney Channel) before going to bed...THE END. Michael was very animated while telling the story and also included more detail.

Then LIAM chimes in "MY TURN!" and Liam tells the story of a pretty princess named Chloe who lived in a CASTLE with Liam and Michael and Daddy and Mommy...THE END. His story was just that direct but his face was so sincere as he told his short tale.

I can't begin to tell you how interesting it was to hear them tell me a story in their own words. Michael's was obviously more elaborate but Liam impressed me with his story as well. I think a new tradition has been born. We repeated this at naptime today and Mike was in on the fun tonight before bedtime.

In reality, I don't really care if it results in an easier sleep transition, I LOVE having this creative activity. It might not smooth out naptime entirely but it doesn't seem to do any harm either.

I can see that my kids need more from me...they need opportunities like this to be creative and express themselves. I love that this one came about naturally but I realize that you can't always luck out with a spur of the moment idea...still, I will take them whenever they come along!

At home today

After posting last night about my current full-time work versus SAHM dilemma, I find myself at home today with my beloved boys who have colds. Liam is a little worse off than Michael but they are both less than stellar.

I probably could have taken them to school and gone to work as usual...but I took pity on them- and myself if I am being honest- and gave us a sick day. I may end up taking Liam to the doctor after nap time because his snot is a gross green & it's highly likely he has a sinus infection or something along those lines. So the sick day is not a waste.

We have not been housebound. We took a quick trip to get a few grocery items and pick up a post-lunch donut treat (and a caramel latte for mommy).

Even so, the boys are CRABBY and SHORT-fused. Work would have been less taxing for me. I found myself getting very frustrated, yelling, threatening "NO DONUT" and all that nonsense. I began to wonder if staying at home was really in our family's best interest if I am crazed after only a few hours.

Finally took a step back, took a deep breath and adjusted my perspective. They really aren't feeling well, they are irritating each other, we waited in line FAR too long at the store due to cashier incompetence/over-chattiness. Their patience was shot...mine was hanging on by a thread as well so I get how they felt.

Once I adjusted my expectations to an appropriate level and took a different approach, things smoothed out quickly. We returned home, unloaded, caught a quick episode of Max & Ruby (seriously, WHERE are the parents of those two??), had lunch and now nap time is in progress. Liam is in a coma and Michael is rearranging the contents of his entire room- quietly.

I could do this- I CAN do this...whatever decision emerges as right for us, we will make it work. Isn't that what we all do each and every day?

We made it

I am happy to report that we made it through the week relatively unscathed. VERY tired but still okay. I am HOPING that soon I will be able to say that not only did we make it through but that one or two aspects of our new schedule have become EASIER.

This is where you come in...

Share with me, if you will, any secret you have for the following:

1. MORNING: Getting out the door on time
2. EVENING: Making dinner happen quickly while still maintaining some nutritional value
3. HOUSEHOLD TASKS: Is there a good system/schedule for getting these things done (grocery shopping, bill paying, laundry, basic cleaning) or do you just wing it?

After being home for so long, I am a bit rusty and I have never worked full time WITH two children. I could use some tips!

Night Night? Not so much...

I'm not trying to make this 'post twice in a row' thing a trend...but there are a couple other reasons (besides the stomach bug) why it has been hard for me to post for the past few days-
#1- While I love fall weather, I am in a bit of a downer mood so my motivation is low and I feel like I will just complain about nothing important. I would like to spare you!
#2- I tend to post in either the afternoon OR later in the evening and for the past week now, Michael has been a real bear at both nap and bed time.

He is currently upstairs banging something so excuse me while I go check (it's 10:28pm Eastern)...30 seconds...

He's just under his crib which is an improvement from being one the following:
*sitting in his toy box with all toys on the floor
*climbing his changing table to remove artwork from the wall
*dismantling his hamper
*emptying dresser drawers
*spreading clean diapers everywhere
*pulling wipes out of the container (they have been removed)
*Accessing other lotion/cream supplies (they have been removed)
*playing with electrical cords (all but one lamp and his nightlight have been removed)
*playing with the loudest toy possible
*Crying/screaming that he wants to come downstairs

He isn't constantly upset or anything...He just doesn't want to go to sleep. I am REALLY trying to avoid giving him extra attention/encouraging the behavior and I can typically check on him without his knowledge BUT then when I see him standing on his changing table or doing something that I consider unacceptable, how can I ignore that? He has a few bruises from falling while climbing out of his crib so I don't want him to really hurt himself on something else.

I've tried a variety of things that don't seem to be helping soooo, I am reaching out for advice!!!

Any ideas on how to get him to stay in a sleeping spot- even if it isn't his crib? I don't want him to always end up in our bed but I just want him to get a good night of sleep...last night he was awake until almost midnight (not exaggerating) and he feel asleep in my bed next to me---I was desperate! With me not feeling well today, I ended up sleeping in our bed with him at nap time too. I can't continue this cycle or we all know where we will end up- with a full time addition to our bed. Also, he doesn't fall asleep there either when Mike is home so it's not a perfect option. Mike happened to be up late last night working on a paper but normally, Mike is in bed before me.

Is this all just a sign that I need to get him a bed?

And my positive for the day: Liam is sleeping like a cozy little pooh bear...He loves his sleep :)

A Fresh Start

I wish that I could rewind the past 2 days. So that I could do them BETTER.
I hate when I become an impatient mom and do far too much yelling.
Kids are kids and they test limits but I am supposed to be the adult, right?

Since my Delorean is in the shop and I cannot go back in time, I can only make a promise to have a fresh start tomorrow. Mike is off- thank you Lord- so we plan to do a hayride or some other type of fall fun :)

I need a new plan- one where yelling is not my first line of defense. There will be trial and error but I will find a new way to manage my own reactions when the whining and screaming and other tantrum-type antics are over-the-top. This is my new strategy: to problem solve rather than just wallow in the problem.

Don't be alarmed, there will still be griping...but I will seek to end each day (and each post) with something positive.

Good stuff from today:
*Liam singing his ABC's- he is getting pretty good
*Michael perusing "Parents" magazine before bed- maybe THAT is why he can outsmart me?
*Michael and Liam working on their ballet this evening- yeah, I need to get you a new video with decent lighting- they are so funny!

Sweet dreams!

Two-year-old Tricks

I love how a problem that starts out as legitimate becomes a new mode for manipulation in the toddler world.

I recently wrote about Michael's new fears in Almost Supernatural and I can say that there are definitely times when he is truly scared because his imagination is getting the better of him (or our house is intermittently haunted?). Then there are the OTHER times when he just doesn't want to go to sleep and there is all kinds of wailing and gnashing of teeth to see if he can get me to read another story, stay in his room, let him empty a dresser drawer, etc.

After some reading (mostly to calm my OWN fears-- monsters are fine but I am not keen on anything ghost related and yes it does freak me out and yes, you can go ahead and laugh), it seems that some of this monster-business is related to the fact that Michael doesn't want to be separated from us. This is all very typical for his age. So I am trying a few things, for example staying upstairs but not in his room for maybe 10 minutes so he knows that I am close by. Also, if he gets out of his crib, I warn him that I am going downstairs and if he doesn't get back in, I follow through and go downstairs. He usually whines/screeches for a couple of minutes and then settles back down.

I think he knows that I don't like to see him afraid because he is starting to use the fear factor to his advantage. So until he realizes that it's the mention of the "girl" not the monsters that gets to me, it seems my approach is working.

*One benefit of the extra time upstairs is that our laundry is getting put away in a very timely manner so at least something productive is happening*

The Bathtub

Random question: Have any of you ever really looked at your tub after bathing your kid/kids when all the water has drained out? The residue of dirt makes me wonder HOW my boys manage to get so dirty. It also makes me wonder about the state of my house!

Potential opportunities

Is it me or does it seem like things you have been looking/hoping for always appear in twos?
Allow me to elaborate...

In the past 2 days, the following options have presented themselves:

A woman I work with and know at an acquaintance level who is just about to return to part-time work after maternity leave called me to ask if I might be interested in setting up an arrangement where we help each other out with child care. She also has 2 kids (ages 2.5 and 6 months), also works part-time and her prior arrangement is no longer working. THIS is something I have been praying for! She lives close, I know her to be a good person and I am sure we could work out our schedules in a way that would be helpful to both of us. Sounds great, right? So we are going to get together Monday with the kids to let them get to know each other and to discuss the details and see if it's something we want to pursue.

ALSO,

I sit in on an autism screening team at our county's intermediate unit (part of early intervention if that helps) and the coordinator of this team just gave her notice. She sort of gave me a "heads up" about this because she wondered if I might be interested. We often talk about work, kids etc. so she knows me well enough to know that I work part-time and that money is a stressor for us. I have a pretty good understanding of the job responsibilities, the schedule is manageable with really no evening work (unlike my current part-time gig) and the salary is far more than I have ever been paid! Good benefits, good boss, nice facility...lots of pluses.

Mind you, this job isn't even officially "posted" yet, I haven't interviewed, don't even know if the position would be offered to me and I am already sweating the idea of putting the boys in full time daycare, being away from them so much, etc. It's ridiculous. If the salary wasn't so good (VERY good for my field), I wouldn't even consider it. But it is good enough that we could pay for full time daycare for both boys and still be bringing in more money. A couple of other jobs have come up but the salary was not enough.

Why is this so hard to consider? I know that the income would help us on so many levels and yet the idea of leaving Michael and Liam is heartbreaking to me.

At this point, there is no decision to make...and already I am stressed!

PS- Just so I don't seem like a jerk, I did let the work friend know that I am applying for a full time opportunity--so I am not setting something up with her that I am then going to pull out of IF I even get an offer.

He has me a little worried...

A couple of issues have come up with Michael recently. Aside from his ongoing struggle with dependence versus independence (aka the terrible twos-which I have accepted as appropriate for his age and something that we just need to handle as best we can), there are a couple of things going on with him that have me a little worried.

For one, Michael is going through what I would call insomnia. He normally needs a while to settle down and go to sleep but for 3 nights now he has been awake until almost midnight and has needed extra comforting. I normally try to avoid too much coddling about bed time resistance but he seems genuinely afraid of something. Being alone, the dark, those monsters we keep in his closet...he can't tell me WHAT but it is clearly causing him some anxiety. I have decided not to freak out until this develops into more of a pattern. But I struggled with insomnia for a loooong time as a child/adolescent and am hoping that he doesn't have the same trouble.

The change in sleep pattern alone wouldn't have me so concerned if it weren't for another new habit that has shown up- Michael has been picking at his fingernails and toe nails. I don't want to overreact but this too looks like a behavior that could be anxiety-related. Again, I am going to watch and see if this little habit continues over a longer period of time but if I am being honest, it already has me feeling anxious! I am trying to keep it in perspective.

This is a downside of doing the type of work I do. I work with children who are in need of behavioral health and/or mental health services. I see many situations where kids show signs of a problem and it is overlooked by even the most attentive parents and then it blows up into something bigger...and so when I see little things like this in my own kids, I get a little nuts. I have been consulting a couple of books that have been helpful and obviously I will talk with the pediatrician if these concerns persist. I just needed to write it down and process it a little bit.

Thanks for listening :)

Tummy troubles

A delicate topic...toddler constipation...any ideas on how to fix this problem when you see the signs? Other than the extra fruit, pear juice type solutions? This is another one that I can and will ask my pediatrician about but I also want to benefit from real world advice.

Michael had been showing the signs of becoming constipated but was not completely "blocked" so I figured it would work itself out. Last night after he was asleep, I went upstairs to turn off his light. I smelled something while I was walking up the steps. I thought that there must be a skunk outside and the smell was wafting in. Um, no...the smell was coming from Michael. Thankfully, this was not an explosive situation but it was pretty gross. God Bless Pampers!

I feel like a terrible mother for not helping to alleviate his problem sooner- I didn't realize how bad it was. Any ideas/remedies??

Peanut Butter?

I can ask my pediatrician about this but I wanted to find out about any "real life" experiences/advice. Is it really horrible if I give Liam peanut butter before he is 2 years old?

Seriously, Michael loves PB&J and Liam is always trying to snag a bite- and for whatever reason, this particular item is the one thing that Michael is WILLING to share with his brother... so will it really increase Liam's risk of a food allergy? There are no reported food allergies in our family.
One of my friends gave her daughter PB prior to the 2 year mark and she is a-okay.

Anyone out there care to comment?

375 days apart

*Foreword: This post was very difficult for me to write because I kept getting SIDETRACKED. So if you think this is a bit tangential a times, well, be happy that I spared you the first drafts*

Recently, a friend of mine from college and new mommy (Florida Ink) asked what it is like to have two kids so close together. Since that was one of my potential blog topics anyway, I figured I would talk about it now. I am sure that others with kids close together have similar experiences but here is my take...and some of this is probably true regardless of the age difference between your kids.

While we didn't exactly plan to have children so close together, Mike and I both agree that we wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, if our finances weren't so messed up, we would have #3 in the oven right now. But that's another topic- ugh!


Pregnancy with a baby/toddler: I had a pretty easy pregnancy so other than a couple months of (somewhat intense) morning sickness, I didn't find it hard to be pregnant while caring for increasingly active Michael. I did work full-time and I think it was actually easier to work because I wasn't chasing Michael all day long. At work, I could actually sit down and eat lunch in peace. It was awesome when Michael got to the point where he could crawl up the steps (with me right behind him of course). I was overjoyed when he walked at 11 months. Everyone kept saying things like, "Do you want him to be THAT mobile?" To which I say, once they are crawling/pulling up, they can get into everything anyway so I don't find walking to be a negative AT ALL. It took some lifting responsibility off of me near the end of my pregnancy because Michael became a pretty stable walker very quickly and was good at holding my hand and staying with me [unlike Mr. Liam who wants to bolt at any given opportunity]. I didn't really have to change my activity level so I was able to keep up with Michael. I was selective about what parties we went to if Mike or another adult couldn't go with me-- I think it's harder to chase your little one around someone else's yard/house/etc. So the pregnancy itself wasn't hard to manage.

New Baby's Arrival! Once Baby#2 comes along, look out! Mike and I agree that adjusting to life with 2 children was a more challenging experience than being first time parents. The "teams" now have equal players. So with one child, you can sort of pass the baby off to one another and give each other some down time. With 2, that luxury isn't always available and definitely not in the first few months- it's more like Divide and Conquer. And we thought it was hard to get home projects done with just Michael- oh we were so naive!

For me, the first 3 months were the hardest struggle. At some point, you figure out some survival strategies, both babies are growing/learning and each day does get easier. Sure there are adjustment points but you work through them and move ahead- because you have to! Even now, on any given day, I may be in a great mood, have no complaints and think that my boys are the easiest kids in the world. On days when someone is tired/not-feeling-well/crabby, I may want to tear my hair out. I think the best defense is to get SLEEP. The cleaning/laundry/dishes can wait!! If you have 2 napping children, you need to sleep or at least chill out and have a snack. I would say that for the most part, in the first few months, one of the babies ALWAYS needs something...so once you adjust to the idea that you are always feeding, rocking, diapering, playing with, or otherwise tending to one of them, then you just roll with it. And you just try to eat, sleep, pee and possibly shower whenever you see an opportunity!

Another thing that I've learned is- If you have a family member or friend who offers to stop by and help out- LET THEM! Don't turn down an extra set of hands. For us, the winter months were tough because Liam was in the 6-9 month range and obviously not walking so he really didn't like being outside in the cold. Michael is a kid who LOVES to get out so we had to find ways to let Michael run/play. Our basement- which is not totally finished but is clean/dry was a good compromise. My dad also stops by my house almost every morning so he would get Michael outside for some fresh air. BTW, God Bless my Dad!

SIBLING RIVALRY? Michael has always been awesome with Liam. I don't know if Michael remembers life "pre-Liam" so for the most part, they get along. Sharing is not the best but I think that is normal for their ages. We try to give both of them individual cuddle/play time whenever possible and I give them tons of kisses/hugs/etc. throughout the day. Right now, they are at the point where they can play near each other (parallel play) and they are starting to sort of joke with each other, run around together and genuinely enjoy each other's company. Liam, as a typical younger sibling, is fascinated by Michael and really wants to do whatever Michael is doing. Michael is not always happy about this so we try to give him some space when he needs it. They look for each other first thing in the morning and while they enjoy having a break from each other, they are always happy to reunite.

In summary, a few benefits of having your children close together...
*You are already in "baby mode" so you don't have to unpack allll the gear. (But if they are very close like ours, you may need to borrow nursery items, high chair, etc.)
*As they get older, the kids make very nice playmates and entertain each other
*The younger one learns a TON from the older one
*They are interested in similar things so planning activities, etc. is easier

Okay, I think I managed to get my main thoughts out without too much rambling! Now quit blogging and get some sleep!

Sweet dreams...