I'd like to be the kind of person who can make decisions without worrying about what "other people" will think. I don't worry about this all of the time but far too often considering I am 37 years old. That makes me a real grownup, right?
Some things I am pretty confident about...in general, decisions regarding my kids are not made with the "what will people think?!" thought lingering around. I've come to realize that there is more than one way to get this parenting thing "right". And that what works for another family may or may not be a good fit for us. Breast vs. bottle-feeding, cloth vs. disposable, work-outside the home vs. stay-at-home parent, sleep-training vs. "roll with it"...all parents have to make the right choice for their particular situation. And I fully expect that even my closest friends and I will disagree at times (we have!). That's all fine in my book.
Among other things, one thing that always gets my fear of judgment going is decisions around having another baby (or not). I am truly unsettled about this decision. And perhaps I shouldn't share it here but you know, I am. I have no idea who might read this blog in terms of friends/family but I rarely name names or put too many details in about family/friends (especially if it could be perceived as negative). And this isn't about any one person...just the perceptions of others in general.
Anyway, this baby question. I can't believe I am still turning this over in my mind. I was really feeling settled with our family of five. My mind had shifted gears, thinking of a time when we can all enjoy an activity together without having to make provisions for an infant/toddler. Chloe is still little but since we are no longer bound to the bottle and she can more readily communicate her wants/needs to me, we can generally do things together and as long as we pick the right time of day, we are good to go. Going out for a meal is pretty easy to manage. Going to a farm or amusement park or the boardwalk is actually fun. We aren't ready for the movie theater but that will come with time.
Before we decided to try for a 3rd a child, I did worry about what other people would think...but I knew for certain that both Mike and I wanted another child. But my own feelings are unclear to me right now. And I am having a hard time getting a straight answer from Mike. I think he is walking the line because I was so "no more babies" before.
I'm not jumping into trying for baby #4 until I get a clearer answer from my own mind and heart. In the meantime, I'm trying to not factor "external judgements" into my thoughts.
6 comments:
wow! I hear you on the expectations/comments. Nothing rude, usually, but just... there. and while I wonder how much is MY expectation masquarading as "what other people think"... there's enough comments for it to be there. even if we, ahem, don't care.
anyways, i've got no good advice, except that you're not alone :)
I'm totally in the "baby-want" mode right now. Even though I know I don't want a 4th child...I could really go for that 4th baby. That doesn't make any sense, does it? It is just hard to believe that I'm done. Finished. No more babies. What I wanted and dreamed about is through. Of course, I didn't dream about doing 4 kids' laundry, or organizing 4 kids' school papers each evening, or running 4 kids to their sport(s).
To me, I think the want is just to continue the good thing that has been going on for the last 7 years. I'm trying to switch gears so that I can really enjoy these current years instead of pining for those past. But if it was physically possible for me to have a 4th (which it is not)...I think I'd be pushing pretty hard for it. Despite my logical brain ;)
All this to just say you aren't alone!
Oh, yes, this is on my heard daily! Part of it is that I have always wanted 4, but now I just don't know if I could handle it (physically, emotionally, time management, financially). I want to move on to less-baby mode as a family. Yet the thought of being done - never having another one - is a really hard thought. To get rid of baby stuff and say that we'll never experience that again? I just don't know...
All I know is that if I found out I was pregnant right NOW, I'd freak out, so that's my answer at the moment.
on my heart, not my heard. :)
Well, you certainly are not alone. I think there is always a little bit of pining in a mother's heart.
That being said, my advice would be to pray on it. I hope that doesn't sound corny or patronizing, but I mean to really take it to the Lord and ask that He show you what your path is. Talk to Mike -- if he is saying "we're done" just because you said it, it might be time to find out what he's really thinking. Is he open to more? Is he definitely feeling that you are done having children? I have found that my husband's response to these questions has always clarified things for me (and usually cheered me tremendously).
If you decide that you are being called to have more children, my advice is to buy some good earplugs ;). It has been my experience that #4 is where people really let you know how they feel about your family decisions (as if it's their business). Three is like the borderline of what many people think is still a normal family size -- four is where they come out of the woodwork to ask you all kinds of personal questions. (of course, once I passed four, they just sort of assumed I was beyond reasoning with, lol!)
The comments I got the most were of two camps: the first being the people who came up and complimented me and said they wished they had more children and the second being the people who came right up to me and called me crazy for wanting to take on all that work again.
The life of a large family is really like swimming upstream. You've just got to push through most of the time.
Is it work? Yes. Is it joy? Absolutely. It's everything you thought it would be and nothing you could ever imagine.
Given that I'm weeks away from #6 joining the brood, it's fair to say that my bias slants towards larger families. But believe me, I understand the want for another baby walking hand in hand with the "hold on now!" thoughts.
I have been kicking the baby question around in a totally different way. It would be actually, physically dangerous for me to get pregnant again so having another of our own is pretty much out of the question.
There are lots of great things about our family the way it is right now and I try to mostly sit with that. What I feel like I need to figure out is whether we should look into adoption.
I wonder if it is always hard to realize you've had your last baby?
I think you and Mike can talk/pray together and come to the right decision for you and not worry too much what the rest of the world thinks.
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