I feel an intense responsibility for every detail of life- especially the trivial, unimportant stuff.
But when I don't attend to daily life, things fall apart: no food in the house, clean clothes not where they need to be, bathroom-ew!, bedrooms-too dusty for words.
When things aren't in some semblance of order, I feel like a failure.
If I try to take care of some of THAT stuff, other things fall by the wayside.
When Michael doesn't fall asleep at a decent hour...
When Liam doesn't get enough cuddle time....
When both boys are talking to me and I just can't seem to listen fully...
I feel that I am failing them as a mother.
I want to write about the good things from each day, the utter beauty of my children, the new life growing inside of me, the blessings life has shared with me...but lately, all I can think of are the negatives:
We have no money, our house needs painting/remodeling (or at least a decent cleaning), we don't do enough fun things with the boys, we are adding another child to already strained resources. What are we thinking?
There aren't enough hours in the day or week and I am consistently sub-par in all of my efforts. I expect too much of others...I also burn myself out and then get lazy...then guilty.
I hate working outside of the home- even though the job is right up my alley.
I hate the constant go,go,go of our lives and how despite all this, I feel like we are going no where. I want to feel a sense of contentment and a sense that everything will be okay.
I recognize that many of these feelings are shared by parents-everyone has too much to do and everyone has worries...I have allowed mine to get the best of me in recent weeks.
Where has my ability to put aside those stresses and just enjoy the moment gone?
I've lost that and I need to find it again.
4 comments:
Oh sister. I feel you. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. It will turn around, one way or another. Things change whether we like it or not. This too shall pass. Hang in there.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I hate phases like this. It just feels like too much to handle and it gets so overwhelming. It's hard to stop and appreciate the kids being small - sometimes I can't wait until they're all old enough to take care of themselves (just daily needs, etc), but then I'll be sad that they aren't little anymore. AH!
Also, I think pregnancy magnifies everything that's hard. It's a really difficult and draining process.
You are preaching to the choir sista! I struggle with so much mommy guilt, and when I notice more anxious times than happy times, I try to remember this poem to keep my priorities straight.
"The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."
Chin up! Alicia
Wow, Jane... lots happening. I agree with all the gals here-- and do think the "incubating the baby" hormones affect stuff- not to minimize the emotions, just know the roller coaster is part of things. You're a good person... a good mom... a good friends. Even when stuff is stacking up, remember that :)
ps- and we'll be in pa next week- maybe we can get together??
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