The Witch in the Well

"The Witch in the Well"

A lovely game, best played during recess in your parking lot playground...usually between 2nd and4th grades.

One person is "the witch" and they stand over in the designated "well" area, waiting for their part.

One person is the "mother" and everyone else is one of her many "children".  The children stand in a line- we had a stone wall that we used to line up against.  The mother says the following while walking up and down the line, tapping the kids hands "one potato, two potato" style.

Mother says- in a sing-songy type way:
"I'm going downtown to smoke my pipe
I won't be back till Saturday night
Don't get into the CAAANDY"

Mother does a loop around the parking lot/schoolyard.  The children turn and pretend they are eating tons of candy in mom's absence.

Mom returns and questions the children three times, "Did you get into the candy?"
Each time they reply, in unison, "Nooooo motherrrrdearrrr" (hands behind their backs).

Then she says, "Let me see your hands" and they reply, "Daddy chopped them off with a butcher knife"
I think this part is asked/responded to twice.
(all of the above is said in sing-songy voices)

Mom then goes down the line, and one-by-one checks each child's hands and announces what type of candy that child has been caught eating (candy canes, m&m's, whatever).  Sometimes she might say something gross like chocolate-covered snails...

She then sends them all to the well to wash their hands.
(Cue the witch)
The children try to go to the "well' and the witch scares them and chases them away.

They come back 3 times and tell the mother "There's a WITCH in the WELL" but mom doesn't believe them because you know, they already LIED about eating candy and hands being chopped off...seriously, would you believe that line?

This is where my memory gets a bit fuzzy because the mom follows them to the well and sees that the witch is for real.  Then I think we would just start another round or move on to Chinese Jumprope.


This game was SO MUCH FUN and if you weren't asked to play, it was a serious bummer.
I don't think we ever thought about how odd it was that mom would be downtown smoking a pipe or that dad might chop off your hands.  WTH?

Now you really wonder about my education and upbringing, right?
I promise you it was nothing scandalous or crazy.

But hey, in the K-4th grade building recess yard, there was also a "Naked Machine"....some Catholic school, eh?  I'll tell you that one some other time.  In truth, it's kind of stupid and not nearly as disturbing as the Witch in the Well.

Catching Up/Venting

I love traveling and visiting with family.  But I hate coming back home.  Because I never get to leave the house the way I'd like to leave it, it always takes forever to get everything back to normal & let's not forget to mention the laundry.

Yes, I am a grinch, I know it.  We had a great extended post-Thanksgiving weekend at Mike's Dad's house.  It was lots of fun and I definitely had a good time.  But when I come home, it always seems like such a let down.  We also discovered a rat living too close to our home front and had suspicions that he might be trying to make his way inside.  So we had that to deal with as soon as we got home.  UGH!

Then Mike had a phone conversation with his sister where it was somehow suggested that we might host Christmas dinner this year (without talking to me about it).  Let me first say that if I had a different house, I would gladly host any holiday dinner.  But in this house, with 3 small children & a rather big extended family? Um, no.  I will help anyone else in every way possible, as long as I am not the host.

Please note that I live in a small row home.  No real dining room, smallish kitchen, one bathroom, no dishwasher.  I have about 1.5 feet of free counter space, would need to set up part of the play area as the eating area, would have to purchase a long table in order to fit everyone and let's recall, I have no dishwasher.  And this is Christmas so I have no idea where we might be able to open up gifts.  I quickly envisioned a day that would entail me living in the kitchen all. day. long.  Mike and I proceeded to have an argument about this that went in too many bad directions- you know the kind I am talking about?

I guess I could do it if I wanted to be completely stressed out for the next month & have a mental breakdown on Christmas Eve.  It would literally suck the fun out of the holiday for me.  Mike does not consider the preparations that take need to be made, not to mention the actual work on the day of...just ask him what he did to help prepare for Chloe's party? And that didn't involve a sit down dinner.  Under normal conditions I don't begrudge this at all--but it just gets to me in the heat of an argument.  Because Mike just figures that everything would come together- he doesn't consider the work involved to make it come together.  And today that just bothered me.

I realize I sound ridiculous but lately I have been feeling a lovely combination of inadequate and under-appreciated.  So maybe it just hit me the wrong way?  Some people would say "what the heck?" and just go for it.  I am not in that category.  I wish I could be more easy going about these kinds of things but I always want everything to be perfect & can never meet my own expectations.

I'm now in such a crappy mood...after a wonderful holiday and weekend...I feel like such a scrooge.  I hope that a little venting on this here blog with help clear my mind & get me ready to start fresh tomorrow.  I don't want to spend the holiday season in a funk!

PS- I also hope that PMS is to blame for this crud mood...which means the mood should lift in a day or two. Fingers crossed!!

Obsessive Much?

Okay friends, I gotta come clean...

Remember a while back when the girl formerly known as my very best friend kicked me to the curb in a very impersonal and permanent way? Well, if you don't remember, go here to refresh. I realize I never named her in that post and I'm not sure if I did it anywhere else but let's just call her 'Betsy' to keep things easy---I don't know anyone named Betsy so it seems like a safe choice for me.

I just found out that one of our mutual friends is invited to Betsy's wedding. My friend told me in a very careful way, obviously not wanting to hurt my feelings but equally not wanting to keep it from me. I think she & her husband might feel stuck in the middle? I told her that it is completely up to them if they want to attend the wedding & that I would never put them in the middle of anything. Also, I pointed out that there really is no 'middle' since Betsy no longer makes any contact with me & completely ignored the few attempts that I made.

Here is the point of irritation for me: When Betsy and I were still talking, we were discussing her wedding plans & how many guests they would invite. I brought up this couple, asking if she would invite them. She quickly told me that she would not be inviting them since they don't keep in touch with her anymore. Betsy was clearly kind of pissy about this- especially since I do keep in touch with them. As far as I know, this hasn't changed in recent times...she just invited them out of the blue. I just find it weird & maybe kind of two-faced? I don't know, I just found it odd.

I really am fine with whatever they decide to do & would not be angry if they end up going. The immature side of me might like them to go & then report back to me on the details. Which might sound like I am looking for an opportunity to get some digs in but isn't really the case. The sad reality is that I still can't believe that this girl is totally out of my life. I never, ever thought our friendship would be severed so completely & irrevocably. I can't believe that I haven't been a part of this happy, exciting time in her life. I feel like I walked through the tough stuff with her and now, when all her dreams are coming true, I'm left out of it. I don't have the chance to celebrate & toast to her happiness. She did so much to make my wedding special and now I can't even attend hers. It sucks!

As much as I'd like to think that I'm better off (because maybe she wasn't always such a good friend to me), I can't go there just yet. It's still as if it just happened. It's been over a year and I am still trying to figure out when will I be able to let this go. I don't worry over it every day but I think about it far too often.

Psyching Myself Out

I have a vivid imagination. I imagine that I can do EVERYTHING that needs to be done, ALL of the time and that I can do it PERFECTLY.
I can make sure everyone is clothed, fed, engaged, active, comforted, clean, rested, happy, and healthy...every day, all of the time.
I can also make sure the house is organized, decluttered, baby proofed, inviting, and free of excessive dust...every day, all of the time.
In my mind, I plan ways to make this happen. I try to see how far I can stretch myself. I have lists, supplies, and the most essential ingredient- caffeine.

And somehow, at the end of every day, I have to look in the mirror and accept reality. I am in fact, NOT superwoman. And children need stuff all.day.long. I can't do everything--in fact, if I cross one thing off a list of ten, that's the measure of success. If I managed to do just one fun activity with the kids, that's amazing. If I only have the dinner dishes to take care of at night, that represents a good day. If the toys aren't totally taking over the living room, that works for me. If I can take a few moments to read blogs/email/facebook, I am happy for that indulgence.

Despite the lowering of standards, I often feel a bit defeated at the end of each day...there are too many "you should haves" playing out in my mind. I often compare myself to my friends (including bloggy friends!). Friends who seem to have all of this figured out. I never feel like I measure up.

I can write some of this out this week because I'm not feeling the defeat quite so much right now. Things are kind of perking along nicely right now...this week feels like everyone is settled into life as a family of five. For this moment, I am grateful. I trust moments like these to remind me that no one is perfect and that I am doing just fine.

When I started out with this post a few days ago, I had a point in mind. I've lost that point along the way. Maybe it was a reminder to not compare myself too harshly with others--because they might have struggles I am not aware of. Maybe it was me wondering if I am my own worst enemy because I do tend to psych myself out by focusing only on the things that aren't going right.

Although it has become a bit muddled, I am leaving it. Because it might be comforting to read on a rough day....because even if something isn't perfect, it might just be good enough...

Way Back Wednesday- Part II

How Mike & I Met: Part 2

So where was I? Ah yes, a little spark between Mike and I...

After meeting up in late July 2000, we started talking pretty frequently via phone. Because Mike was in Connecticut, that was our main connection point and that was a good thing. We caught up and got to know each other again. It slowed things down in a good way.

During the next few months, I was fighting off the impulse to feel too much too soon, to let myself fall for him. I had been out of any serious relationship for just under a year. Since my tendency was to jump from one relationship right into a new one, I had taken a break by choice to get myself centered. I wasn't eager to start relying on someone- I kind of liked the fact that I found my independence again. I had time to work, to see friends and to focus on completing my Master's degree. It was important for me to maintain control of my own life.

Mike invited me to attend a wedding with him in August. His siblings and his mom were also there. It was a BLAST! We had so much fun together. How could it be this easy to date someone and feel secure with the situation so quickly? I was used to the drama of that whole guessing game- Is he really that into me? With Mike, I didn't have to wonder. He actually talked about how he was feeling and not in a creepy stalker way...just open, honest and very sweet.

Whenever he was in town, we spent time together. Some of that time was with one of our families and it was just perfect. I got to know his friends again and he got to know mine. We fit into each other's lives. In October, we went to a wedding in Maine- that trip was probably a turning point in terms of things being a more serious commitment. It's funny the things you remember but I recall being worried about how much I had packed for a 3-day weekend. I was worried about what Mike would think about my rather large suitcase. It turns out, his suitcase was the SAME size. I thought to myself, "We are meant to be". He didn't care that I needed an hour+ to get ready for the actual wedding (like I have that much time to get ready for anything these days). I was maybe a little bit high maintenance but he didn't seem to mind. To this day, it is one of the BEST weddings I have ever been to and I didn't know anyone except Mike at the start of the weekend. I enjoyed every minute of it & his friends were very welcoming.

After that trip, there was no way I could deny what was happening. I was falling in love with Mike. Once when we were out together, just having a beer, I remember him looking at me and saying "We should elope". I told him he was crazy but if I had said yes, I think he would have done it. As Christmas approached, I remember telling Mike that he could not propose to me at Christmas...I told him that I loved him but I just wasn't ready yet. (what girl does that?) His sister got married in March, 2001...I caught the bouquet. That is the one and only time.

Fast forward to May, 2001: Graduation was finally here. Apparently, Mike wasn't going to propose to me during graduation weekend because he didn't want to overshadow this milestone in my life. During the week, when we talked, I told Mike that I felt like I had already graduated and this ceremony was just a formality. I had actually completed my degree in December but had to wait until May to "walk". I had no idea he was planning to propose. We had looked at engagement rings, just so Mike had an idea of what I might like but that was a few months earlier and I honestly hadn't given it much thought since then.

So Mike came home for my graduation and that Friday night we were planning to get together. I was beside myself and I don't even remember why. I was on the phone with him crying about how tired I was and he offered to come pick me up so I didn't have to drive to his mom's house. Mind you, he had just driven 3 hours from Connecticut...this did not strike me as odd.

Mike called back while I was taking a shower but I had heard the phone ring. My niece, Erica, happened to be there and took the call. I kept asking her why he had called and she was trying to make up an excuse because he had told her he was going to propose. Well, I got some idea in my head that the two of them were planning to play a joke on me and I started flipping out about how I wasn't in the mood, etc. I even called Mike back to yell at him. Erica could not figure out why I was acting so crazy. In retrospect, I think the stress of 2 years of school/work/etc. just finally hit me. I did not expect a proposal. If I had been in Mike's shoes, I might have decided that being engaged to a crazy person was not the best plan.

Luckily Erica got me to calm down & assured me that no trick was in the works. She kept me at bay while Mike talked to my parents and showed them the ring...

Oh, you didn't think I was going to tell you EVERYTHING, did you?
Now you have to come back next week :)

Way Back Wednesday

How Mike and I Met: Part One

Mike and I met during the fall of sophomore year (1990). We were both 15 and went to different high schools. He called one of my best friends (Kristen) while I happened to be at her house and I talked to him on the phone. Then we started talking more and at some point, made plans for a "date". Neither of us had our license at the time, so his dad drove us to/from our date. Mind you, I lived about 35 minutes from him, so it was kind of a big deal.

We went to see the movie "The Exorcist III". During the movie, Mike proved himself to be an, ahem, inexperienced kisser. I don't know why we ended up kissing on a first date but that's how it went. He was also maybe a bit nervous and had sweaty hands. What a romeo, eh? I am sure that I myself was equally nervous & I'm not sure what he thought of me overall--other than that he thought I was cute. We also went to a formal dance at his high school that same fall. At some point, my friend Kristen developed a sudden interest in dating Mike as well...and I was not the type to compete for a guy. I felt that maybe he was trying to manipulate the situation a bit (he denies) and things just kind of fizzled out.

I seem to remember talking to him from time to time during the remainder of high school. Then we both went away to college. Mike ended up not finishing and during the fall of my junior year, we started dating again. I really fell for him at that point. I was SO into him. I think he liked me as well but at the time, I would only go so far- if you catch my meaning- and I think that was a problem for him. Because by that time, he definitely had more, ahem, experience than me. We talked several times a week and saw each other whenever I was home. Once or twice, he came to visit me at school. Then during a late night phone conversation, Mike alluded to the fact that he was interested in another girl. I kind of flipped out. I told him that I loved him but was unwilling to be second choice. Things ended immediately- and honestly, I felt empowered that I had stood up for myself and I never looked back. But I still spent some time mending my broken heart :( That was December of 1995.

(we ran into each other once at a local bar in the next 5 years but mike was living with his girlfriend)

Skip ahead to July 2000, Mike was living in Connecticut at the time but came home often to see his mom, siblings and friends in this area. I was living with my parents, trying to finish grad school. One night I came home and my mom said "You will never guess who called". I guessed 5 different people- all incorrect guesses...finally she said "Mike V." My exact response was, "What does that a**hole want?" Not kidding, that's what I said. My mom yelled at me for cursing and said it sounded like he really wanted to talk to me. I waited a couple of days to call him back...he called me again before I had the chance to return his call. He said he was going to be in the area again in a couple of weeks, so we made plans to meet up.

I went to his mom's house to pick him up (there are no good bars/restaurants where my parents live...his mom lives close to all the fun places in this area). I knew as soon as I saw him that he thought I looked good. He had this swooney look in his eyes...and I admit, given the history of him bailing out during our college romance, I felt gratified. It might have been fun to toy with his emotions a bit but the problem was, I also felt a spark...

My Dream Come True

Facebook is something I never thought I would get into but I am totally hooked! It's actually kind of cool to reconnect with old friends and is also a nice way to keep in touch with family. In the mix of some of those old friends are 3 former boyfriends that are my "friends" on Facebook.

Not sure if you do this too but I occasionally think back to someone who I dated and imagine what would have happened if I had ended up married to that person. I don't do that because I am unhappy with who I DID marry...it's just an idea I entertain. Encountering these various exes online & the memories that crop up as a result, it has become very clear to me that once kids enter your life, it can be very unsettling to let your mind wander (or wonder) too far.

I start to feel guilty...not because I think I am being unfaithful to my husband...but because wondering what would have happened if I married someone else is a little like being unfaithful to my children. Michael and Liam would not exist if Mike & I had not married and procreated. At least, that is my belief...so thinking of any other life path involves imagining my life without them---which is not something I want to do!

It reminds me of Michael J Fox (in Back to the Future) staring at that picture of himself & his siblings and watching them each fade and disappear as the fate of his parents' romance hangs in the balance....

Daydreams are nice but in all the ways that matter, my life is already my dream come true :)

Perfection is optional

So I was just reading this post over on Giselle's blog and boy am I glad I did.
Then I commented and somewhere in there I said "Perfection is not a necessity for happiness".

Should I adopt this as my new mantra?? Rhetorical question folks because HELL yes, I should.

Mike and I had a giant heart-to-heart talk last night...That, along with some very nice comments received on my last two posts, is helping me to slowly come back to planet earth. I am a person who does not respond well to too much stress & basically I had reached my threshold and then some. Having a 3-day weekend definitely helps my mindset. I also got my hair cut/colored last night which gave me a boost because I look much less crappy. When I get overly-stressed, I always sound like I am about to jump off a cliff but it actually takes very little to bring me back to center.

My father-in-law is in town for a few days so all the boys went out this morning for some post-Birthday shopping at Toys R Us. This left me home alone for a couple hours to putter around, do a few things and relax. The boys are napping (well, one is and the other isn't but he is mostly quiet) so I am relaxing now too and we have the rest of today plus TWO more days to just do whatever we want. Sunday I am also having lunch with friends. Some much-needed girl time, along with the quality family time, should go a long way in helping me get my priorities in order. It should also help me to get out of my gloom and doom mentality and find my joy again.

That joy, by the way, is always right before my eyes...and they certainly don't need perfection from me. They just need a mommy who loves them no matter what- and I feel confident saying that I totally have that part covered.

Happy Friday Friends!!

Bummer Part2

I feel an intense responsibility for every detail of life- especially the trivial, unimportant stuff.
But when I don't attend to daily life, things fall apart: no food in the house, clean clothes not where they need to be, bathroom-ew!, bedrooms-too dusty for words.
When things aren't in some semblance of order, I feel like a failure.

If I try to take care of some of THAT stuff, other things fall by the wayside.
When Michael doesn't fall asleep at a decent hour...
When Liam doesn't get enough cuddle time....
When both boys are talking to me and I just can't seem to listen fully...
I feel that I am failing them as a mother.

I want to write about the good things from each day, the utter beauty of my children, the new life growing inside of me, the blessings life has shared with me...but lately, all I can think of are the negatives:
We have no money, our house needs painting/remodeling (or at least a decent cleaning), we don't do enough fun things with the boys, we are adding another child to already strained resources. What are we thinking?

There aren't enough hours in the day or week and I am consistently sub-par in all of my efforts. I expect too much of others...I also burn myself out and then get lazy...then guilty.

I hate working outside of the home- even though the job is right up my alley.
I hate the constant go,go,go of our lives and how despite all this, I feel like we are going no where. I want to feel a sense of contentment and a sense that everything will be okay.

I recognize that many of these feelings are shared by parents-everyone has too much to do and everyone has worries...I have allowed mine to get the best of me in recent weeks.

Where has my ability to put aside those stresses and just enjoy the moment gone?
I've lost that and I need to find it again.

Bummer

I am in a bit of a bad mood. I am tired, crabby and unreasonable. Don't you wish we were hanging out right now?

I would like to blame pregnancy hormones and maybe that's all it is...but I am really overwhelmed by the daily grind. I am tired of yelling and battling the boys out the door in the morning, tired of feeling like I never get to complete the few little chores I have in mind, tired of having even the moments of fun tainted by this mood of mine. And- despite evidence to the contrary in this very post- I AM tired of complaining about how I feel.

I am wondering if a recent loss of a friendship has anything to do with this? That makes more sense to me than just blaming pregnancy. I don't recall feeling quite so stressed during pregnancy in the past. To briefly explain, my best friend of many years sent me a card stating that she was ending our friendship- that's it, no discussion, no real explanation, nothing more than that. I did try to call her but she hasn't called me back.

I am at a loss- I don't know if I should reach out to her again or if I should just accept it and move on. The proud side of me wants to just say forget her and move on...chalk it up to "sh*t happens" and count myself lucky to have many good friends in my life. The other side of me wants to try and preserve whatever may be left of that friendship- to reach out one last time in the hopes of at least letting her know that I do care, that I don't want to be completely estranged from her, I hold no ill will against her. She just blind-sided me.

Looking back, she has not always been a good friend. We had a couple of rifts over the years but they were more situational & we were able to work through them and move on. But I don't know that she has ever offered any apologies to me (when they would have been warranted). I have always just worked to preserve the friendship and we just let the problem fall by the wayside. I just thought we were both good at not holding grudges. In retrospect, I'm not so sure.

What would you do? A letter, another phone call, nothing at all? It's really, really sad. I don't like to lose people--especially like this. There was no blow up, no climactic event. Would I feel better if she had told me off? At least then I would have a true sense of closure.

A Recap (warning: this is a long one)

This past week and a half has not been easy but has had some very good moments...

Mike and I finally resolved some ongoing arguments that have taken far too long to settle but at least we have gotten there...will spare you the details which are mostly petty and stupid.


I started my summer "flex" schedule at work which means I work a longer day Mon-Thurs in order to have Fridays off. Being at school until 5:15 each day has been a bit taxing on the boys but I think it is worth it overall.

Having said that, today was our first Friday off. The day was highlighted by:

• an early wake-time (considering we could have slept in a bit)
• poop on the floor, ottoman and all over Liam this morning (I am still not sure how the whole mess happened)
• yogurt in far too many places at lunch
• a bloody nose (Michael) prior to nap time.

At one point, I was thinking that maybe they would have been better off at school...We did manage a productive grocery store trip (just me and the kids) & a blissfully restful nap time for all 3 of us & many rounds of the game 'Elefun'...so the day shaped up but that poop clean-up was the worst- and I am still not sure I got every spot.

We also had a birthday party at one of those "bounce" places last Saturday for both Michael and Liam's birthdays and that was a BLAST! We have not been able to afford anything like that yet and it was nice to be able to do something more kid-oriented this year...plus they are a good age for that stuff. If our laptop ever resumes normal function, I will post pictures! We enjoyed a fun father's day topped off by dinner at Friendly's where we got to sing Happy Birthday to Liam once again, since his official birthday was the 20th.

Now on to another topic entirely...

The real kicker for the week was this: On Wednesday, I received a card in the mail from my best friend of 19 years (have known her for even longer), indicating that our friendship was no longer working for her and essentially ending our friendship. To be fair, our friendship has been rocky ever since children entered my life (our lives are not in the same place). In fact, I had a conversation with her a little over a year ago about the changes our lives have gone through and actually felt that we reconnected at that point.

Since then, the distance has grown but I had just kind of made my peace with the fact that most friendships go through an ebb and flow...I would rather have her in my life to some degree than abandon the friendship altogether. I put effort into our friendship but I can't say much of it was reciprocated. In recent months, my efforts had also diminished but were equal to hers. How many times can you invite someone to hang out, go shopping, go to dinner, whatever...and basically be ignored? Eventually, you take the hint, right?

Apparently, she does not agree that some friendship is better than no friendship... and felt that a small card with about 7-8 sentences could sum it all up. Because I know her very well, I wasn't exactly surprised. She came to the birthday party on Saturday and was very cold towards me...so I knew something was up but I didn't think our friendship was over. I know she hates confrontation but I think that a phone call would have been a bit more respectful- even if it would have been very awkward. I tried to call her the night I received the card...she didn't answer...because I know she won't call me back or contact me again, I left her a message with the best summary I could come up with. I only included a two comments that weren't as nice and was glad I didn't go down a far worse road. I ended the message by telling her that for me, our friendship was not erased and while I will respect her decision, from my perspective, the door is always open.

She is (was) Michael's Godmother--a decision I LABORED over because I didn't know at that time if she was really into our friendship. Now I am sorry I didn't ask my other friend, Emily... My brother is Michael's Godfather and since I don't have a sister, I thought that Paula (that's her name by the way) was the closest thing. I thought she would be in our lives always.

I am not outwardly a wreck about this...but I am deeply hurt. It's the type of hurt you feel when someone just cuts out of your life and you feel like you don't truly understand why...you have some ideas but you'd rather hear it right from the source. I am also deeply hurt for Michael- to the point that I am going to ask my pastor if I can literally name someone else as Godmother. I want it to be someone Michael will know...and I want it formally changed if possible. That might seem petty to some but I feel very strongly about that role.

Anyway, I could write so much more but it's late and this post is excessively long already.

My 9 to 5...(actually 8 to 4)

Despite all of my misgivings about working full-time, leaving my children, balancing life, etc., I can honestly say that I love my job. It feels like I am a part of something good-- and I pretty much need that if I am leaving my children each day. So what exactly do I do?

I am a "case manager" although this role is different from other times that I have held the title case manager. In this role, the main part of what I do relates to running/organizing evaluation days, coordinating scheduling, providing support and followup to parents, conducting workshops for parents and being a resource regarding available services and how to access them. I am also a team member in terms of input during team consultation- which is great. The evaluation days happen 3 days of the month and they are crazy-busy...I don't have a minute to myself those days.. other days are much less stressful!

The autism screening team I am a part of is based out of our county's intermediate unit- in Pennsylvania, special education services for preschool and school age children are provided mostly by these "intermediate units" to sort of streamline things- so that each individual district doesn't have to set up every single program/service independently. While problems exist, I think it is a pretty good system overall.

Anyway, this particular team was created about 5 years ago. And I happened to work for another agency at the time that was invited to send a consultant to be part of this team & I happened to be the person in the right position to be the consultant. So I remember this team when it was just getting started, when things were still falling into place. They created the case manager position when I was about 7 months pregnant with Michael--and I remember wishing I could have applied for it but it didn't really make sense at the time.

This team is meant to be a means of early identification and diagnosis of autism. It is also meant to provide an entry point to the service system for families- so that they don't have to figure out the complexities of accessing necessary services on their own. Children who are involved with Early Intervention, Preschool Special Education and even school-aged children up to second grade can be referred--if there are concerns about a possible Autism Spectrum diagnosis. One of the screening tests for young children is called an M-CHAT, it consists of 23 yes/no questions that can be answered by parents--your pediatrician may have had you fill one out (I hope they did!) when your child was around 18 months old.

The coolest thing about this is that we work in coordination with several other places including CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia). There are 2 developmental pediatricians who come out to our location a few times a month to conduct autism screenings. Others involved include- school psychologists, behavioral health representatives...also anyone working with the child (like a speech or occupational therapist) can attend the evaluation. So parents get to have several people whose expertise is related to autism and developmental delays. They can usually be seen by our team within 3-4 months...if they called CHOP or A.I. Dupont for a similar evaluation, it is an 18-24 month wait list.

We use a play-based assessment test to observe a child's communication and socialization skills. So the kids are playing with bubbles, balloon, various toys-fun stuff for most kids. Along with some diagnostic tools and team discussion, a conclusion is made about the child's needs and diagnosis-if any. The developmental pediatrician also reviews any medical concerns and does a brief physical. Parents receive a formal report and the opportunity to review all of the information with the team...the report is basically their ticket to accessing additional services for their child without too much hassle.

This email is probably so boring but it's hard for me to put into words all of the good work that this team does. I feel like the family has an opportunity to establish a working relationship with members of the team. I have ongoing contact with the family, they see the developmental pediatrician for a 6-month followup. It also helps the family to know that the various people involved with their child are working together.

I am quite sure no parent wants to hear that their child has any delay, let alone autism...but if it were me, I would want to know as soon as possible so that I could start providing my child with whatever was needed to help him be as happy as he can be...

Smells Like Teen Spirit

I updated music I like on my profile because I realized how incomplete my list was. I have been thinking about this post for a few days now. All because of the most recent episode of "Big Love"- an HBO series that I LOVE. They played Alphaville's one hit wonder 'Forever Young'. And I was instantly reminded of the many bands/songs I loved when I was all angst-ridden and moody. If I were a teen today, I would be borderline "emo".

When I was in 10th grade, I literally went through a musical transformation. I went from listening to MC Hammer, Wilson Phillips and all that was "pop" at the time to full on grunge/alternative...and it pretty much happened overnight. It was like someone flipped a switch and opened up a world that I had never seen.

I did not get into any of the trappings- drinking/drugs/etc- mostly because my parents watched me like a hawk so my opportunities were limited. Maybe the fact that my brother and his girlfriend had their first child at the tender age of 16 had something to do with their paranoia? [Sidenote: My first niece- who is now 26- is one the dearest people in my life so I am glad my brother engaged in unprotected sex] Oh,I digress...

The point of this post was to give you a list of what I might have put on a mix tape back in the 1990s:

With or Without You- U2
Forever Young- Alphaville
Just Like Heaven- The Cure
Blue Monday- New Order
Killing Moon- Echo and the Bunnymen
Head On- Jesus and Mary Chain
Smells Like Teen Spirit(duh)- Nirvana
Rearview Mirror- Pearl Jam
Pain Lies on the Riverside- Live
Round Here- Counting Crows
A Sort of Homecoming- U2
What's the matter here- 10,000 Maniacs
Same Direction- INXS

Now that I am writing this, I feel like I am missing things. I may just need to go to my basement and dig up an actual mix tape- they are lurking down there somewhere.

Music has always had the power to get me out of- or at least get me through- anything that life throws my way. My boys seem to be pretty into various kinds of music and I hope that it will always be a part of their lives.

The Point

In case you haven't picked up on it, I am a "glass half empty" kind of girl. I sweat the small stuff, focus on the worst possible outcome and worry about things before it's even necessary.

Focusing on the upside, the bright side, the positive, etc. does not come naturally to me--UNLESS it's someone else's dilemma...then I can coach you through it like nobody's business. Empathize till the cows come home. Blow sunshine up your arse all day- real sunshine, not just a stock cliche! You will feel SO much better by the time I am done with you...Why is it so hard for me to apply that to my own life? I just don't know...

This lack of optimism about my own life circumstances (which are pretty darn good) is the main reason why I started to include good thoughts somewhere within each post- no matter how depressing the rest of the post is. It is a reminder to myself that I have an abundance of good in my life and that I need to invest some time in appreciating that stuff...instead of wasting precious time in a pit of despair. My family alone is cause for daily celebration and I want to embrace that a little more often.

This sort of "cognitive therapy" is not something I have ever put much stock in- despite my profession. But I gotta tell you, slowly but surely, it is working some magic on me. I am still going to worry, overreact and feel stressed--Rome wasn't built in a day. But already, those feelings have been dialed down to a more manageable level. And I notice the difference in how I feel...a weight is being lifted off of my shoulders.

Obviously, the daycare/working full-time issue is a big one--and no amount of positive thinking is going to completely eliminate my worry over it. But that's something I consider to be 'normal'... not the senseless, indulgent worrying I am so prone to.

So in case you were wondering, The Point of the positive section in my posts is to make sure that I am taking time to love my life for what it is: the good and the not-so-good. I hope it continues to work for me. I hope you might give it a try if you are feeling the need for a little lift!

Include it in your comment if you want, something good from your day!
There can never be enough goodness (in my humble opinion).

Positive: Starting this blog has opened up a new way for me to think :)

U2?

I am a huge U2 fan. At one time, obsession would have been a good word to describe my feelings about U2. MamaK can attest to this because she saw my college dorm rooms and also because we used to do a mean air guitar to "Desire". I sort of like the fact that many people I met in high school or college still associate U2 with me to this very day.

U2 became very important to me during high school- something about their music at that time in my life- it was transcendent for me. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true. Music is an important part of my life and affects me on an emotional level in general. The music of U2 just takes me to another place.

I've been thinking about some favorite U2 moments and here they are:

1. The last U2 concert I saw was in Philly in November, 2005. I was pregnant with Michael but no one knew about it other than Mike and I. I had to explain WHY I was doing the preconcert hangout in the parking lot thing without actually consuming alcohol (I just said I had a migraine the night before). And I was excited for the concert so I was still acting like a lunatic and some of my friends thought I WAS drinking. I was excited for baby #1 to have the first U2 experience while in utero. This sounds crazy but I think U2 worked their magic on him. I don't actually listen to U2 often these days but about 2 weeks ago, I had a U2 cd on in the car and after one particular song, he said "That's a great song Monny"...I am not making this up. He is SO my baby boy!! BTW, the song he liked is 'Miracle Drug' from the How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb album (cd). I know you were dying to know- LOL.

2. Saw U2 at Veterans Stadium in Philly which is now torn down. We were 8 rows from the stage. I had to give someone a ticket so they would drive me from college to see the show. I didn't even know him at the time. Thanks Gary!!

3. Air guitar with MamaK- of course.

4. First U2 concert during senior year of high school...awesome seats, SO AMAZING- simply because it was the first time I saw them live.

I won't bore you with more but I highly recommend giving The Joshua Tree a listen if you want to give U2 a try- in your spare time of course. My brother's fiance got us one of those cd's that takes popular music and turns it into a lullaby cd- of course she got us the U2 version. It is simply the music without words and it really is peaceful. There may be one for your favorite band :)

It's All Good

Positives for today...

*While Michael is currently not sleeping (11:00pm), he and Liam BOTH took awesome, SIMULTANEOUS naps today! Michael slept IN HIS CRIB!
*Instead of doing anything productive during the nice afternoon break, I spent most of it just relaxing- watched Juno- and I don't even feel guilty...well, not too guilty. I did manage to get thru some paperwork.
*We didn't really have any obligations today and it was nice to have minimal stress.

My friend Kristi asked several questions in her last comment and so I will answer one:
Favorite TV shows?
You are going to laugh because when it comes to TV, my taste is questionable. I tend towards teenage-angst type shows (remember Dawson's Creek?) and somewhat mindless entertainment. Thanks to children and blogging, it is rare for me to watch TV these days but when I do, here are a few faves:

1. The Hills: Yes, that stupid MTV 'reality' show and this is the one show I watch religiously every week. I know, you have lost what little respect you once had for me. It is a superficial show and one of my guiltiest pleasure in life (besides Britney Spears CDs).
2. Project Runway: I love Heidi Klum. I want her to take me shopping. I don't hate her for having her same awesome body even post-children. I am not very crafty when it comes to sewing although I did make a quilt about 4 years ago and it actually turned out okay. That was HARD for me and I can't imagine being able to not only sew like the wannabe designers can but actually conceive the idea for the design.
3. Jon&Kate+8: This one is losing its appeal for me. I can't say why it isn't as appealing to me now but for a while, this show was addictive.
4. Million Dollar Listing: I want to go sell a couple of houses out in California and then retire. These guys bank some serious money and they are all fairly young. My husband hates this show because it irritates him that a 21 year old is making so much money but I am kind of fascinated by it.
5. Crime Shows: My husband LOVES these so I will lump them all together because I can't keep them straight but I really like Numbers and CSI (the original one). Also Law&Order SVU is still a good one too.

I also have a daily dose of Disney and Sprout... In my younger years, I had alot of shows that I regularly followed (Ally McBeal, ER, Party of Five, Dawson's Creek, South Park to name a few). I watched alot of TV in between grad school and working full time. Now I am lucky to get thru a single show without an interruption. Lack of time for TV is not a bad thing. I would much rather do something fun with the family :)

P.S.: How could I forget to mention FRIENDS?! I LOVED that show for years and can still get sucked into a rerun. Oh wait and Entourage (on HBO)..."Eric" played by Kevin Connolly is my not-so-secret TV boyfriend :)