Part 1 of 2
Today was a test of patience. The kids were really working hard to wear me down to my very last nerve.
I hate the feeling I get when I realize I am rapidly running out of nerves. Because it means that I am going to start yelling...alot. It means I will feel my blood pressure rise (and I have borderline low blood pressure under standard conditions so I really feel it). I will be slapped in the face with the knowledge that I am not in control of every situation. It is not a fun experience for me.
As I type this, all 3 children are sleeping peacefully, freshly bathed, smelling of Aveeno baby wash (the bottle with the light blue cap smells AWESOME) and vanilla lotion. No one is wailing, whining or caterwauling (credit for that new vocab. word goes to Giselle!). They were exhausted which is probably why the afternoon/evening were so rough and sleep set in so quickly. Sweet relief!
*******************************
Part 2 of 2
These are the background thoughts to the idea of a forgiveness theme for the year. The two situations I am about to describe are the things that led me to this idea.
1. Almost 2 years ago, Mike's would-be business partner borrowed money from us. Mike was working for him at the time. Mike had cashed out some 401k money with the intention of using part of it to pay off one of our cars. Would-be business partner, let's call him "Joe", knew about this plan and asked to borrow some money. It was supposed to be for a couple of months. Well, as you can imagine, a couple of months became 6 months, 12 months and so on. I was really upset about this situation. Very angry in fact. Joe laid Mike off (they never became actual partners) in April of 2010. That was the start of some very bad times for us. Anyway, this is one of the areas where I've been holding on to ALOT of anger. After mostly ignoring the debt and Mike's attempts to settle it, Joe FINALLY came around a couple of months ago and a payment plan was agreed upon. So far, it's going well. Once they established that, Joe asked Mike if he would be willing to come work for him part-time here and there, whenever Joe needed extra help and Mike was available. At first I was completely against this. I thought, why would we set ourselves up again? (He also had a history of not paying Mike on time for his regular paycheck). Then one day, I began to wonder....what good is this doing us? Joe needs extra help, we need to bring in more money, Mike is willing to work for Joe part time. So we came up with the idea that as long as Joe pays Mike for the day's work on that same day, then it's a good situation for everyone. Joe agreed and it has worked out great. It's one instance where letting go of some anger and opening the door just a bit has worked out on many levels. It's nice to have some extra income but it's even nicer to be able to let that bit of the past go and move forward.
2. The other thought I had about forgiveness is related to family issues but could include other people as well. Mike is currently arguing with one of his siblings (I know, again! They are a very dramatic family.) It seems to me that whenever Mike is not on speaking terms with a sibling, the effects of that spill over to me and the kids. I am an adult, I can handle it... but my kids are innocent bystanders. I called my SIL "Mel" and specifically made sure that everything was okay between her and I (Mel said that it is). But no matter what, the kids are always impacted by this stuff because I am shut out too. And I'm even more worked up when Mike's mom puts a wall up (because she hates when her kids argue with each other). It upsets me and angers me ALOT. Sooo, that is going on right now, which is unfortunate. I'm trying really hard not to be angry with my mom-in-law. I'm struggling with it actually. Because I feel that she is in a way punishing my kids for an argument that is not their fault and that isn't right. She hasn't seen our kids since December 27th. We normally see her every week or every other week. I have maintained contact with her and with Mel. I have not seen any reciprocated efforts. I don't expect to, at least not soon. This is the area where I think I will struggle with the idea of forgiveness. Because we are all guilty at one time or another of being petty, of avoiding unpleasant situations without considering everyone involved, of holding a grudge towards the wrong person.
Added into this mix, my other sis-in-law "M" is pregnant and plans are being made for her shower. I am pretty much being left out of that process...I am certain it is because of the above mentioned situation. I certainly don't expect to be a main planner but under regular circumstances, I would be included more than I have been. I'm struggling to let things play out and see if it changes. I've already offered my help to my MIL and Mel...we'll see.
I remain hopeful about both situations. But if I am being honest, the second one has me really worried!
***Afterthought***
I must have been feeling bold when I wrote this b/c I don't usually spill so much here. Especially when I know that people I know IRL read here, at least on occassion. Well, it's the truth...so there you have it!
Showing posts with label worries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worries. Show all posts
Monday, January 16, 2012
Friday, November 11, 2011
Friday...Blah
Tomorrow, Chloe turns TWO! I've been looking forward to celebrating her birthday tomorrow with a little family party. A friend of mine is making Hello Kitty cake pops. I have all the other necessary party supplies and plans to order pizzas, keep it simple and celebrate. Today has totally thrown me for a loop. The house is a wreck, I feel a major time crunch for tomorrow and Mike still isn't home from work yet tonight (it's 10:15 my time).
As I sit and type this, I'm really overwhelmed (in case you didn't notice). It's not that anything big happened in the past 24 hours. It's just this afternoon took a nosedive and everything I was hoping to get done went out the window. I want to cancel Chloe's birthday celebration...there's too much to be done and not enough time. And I'm just drained. I know that's so selfish, but that's how I feel right now.
Michael continues to be a challenge in terms of his behaviors and tantrums. And tonight, he just buried me. A bunch of screaming and crying about a none existent snake in his room. I can't even go into the whole story- it's so ridiculous. He works himself into a tizzy...he does not respond to attempts to help him calm down...pretty soon, I'm in a tizzy too.
I don't think I've talked about this here? but- I did consult with our pediatrician about Micheal and my concerns for him (anxiety/behavior). She agreed that what I was describing sounded like more than just typical 5 year old stuff and recommended seeking counseling. Mike and I had discussed that same possibility- your basic outpatient therapy, probably once a week, start there and see how things go. The 2 people the doctor recommended are not covered by our insurance plan. I called four therapists in our network, only one called back to say that she doesn't work with young children. No one else responded. I'm not sure what to do- we can't pay out of pocket for this but we need the services.
I am also having some pretty bad insomnia and it's taking a toll on my energy level, not to mention my tolerance/patience. I need this to go away soon. It's anxiety-related for sure. I just can't seem to get a handle on it.
I'm hoping that when I wake up in the morning, I'll have some perspective. Because right now, I'm just not feelin' it.
As I sit and type this, I'm really overwhelmed (in case you didn't notice). It's not that anything big happened in the past 24 hours. It's just this afternoon took a nosedive and everything I was hoping to get done went out the window. I want to cancel Chloe's birthday celebration...there's too much to be done and not enough time. And I'm just drained. I know that's so selfish, but that's how I feel right now.
Michael continues to be a challenge in terms of his behaviors and tantrums. And tonight, he just buried me. A bunch of screaming and crying about a none existent snake in his room. I can't even go into the whole story- it's so ridiculous. He works himself into a tizzy...he does not respond to attempts to help him calm down...pretty soon, I'm in a tizzy too.
I don't think I've talked about this here? but- I did consult with our pediatrician about Micheal and my concerns for him (anxiety/behavior). She agreed that what I was describing sounded like more than just typical 5 year old stuff and recommended seeking counseling. Mike and I had discussed that same possibility- your basic outpatient therapy, probably once a week, start there and see how things go. The 2 people the doctor recommended are not covered by our insurance plan. I called four therapists in our network, only one called back to say that she doesn't work with young children. No one else responded. I'm not sure what to do- we can't pay out of pocket for this but we need the services.
I am also having some pretty bad insomnia and it's taking a toll on my energy level, not to mention my tolerance/patience. I need this to go away soon. It's anxiety-related for sure. I just can't seem to get a handle on it.
I'm hoping that when I wake up in the morning, I'll have some perspective. Because right now, I'm just not feelin' it.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Can I just raise my debt ceiling?
I have only tuned into the whole "debt ceiling" crisis in the past two weeks.
About 5 days ago, I had to look up the definition of the "debt ceiling" in order to understand the nature of the current government (or American, or possible world) financial crisis. I had to consult 3 different articles/sites with explanations in order to actually comprehend it. It's possible that I remain a bit foggy on the details but understand enough to get the weight of the situation.
I'm embarrassed to admit to you that when I tried to write to my representatives in Congress, I wrote to the wrong ones at first--the ones that are in, for example, the PENNSYLVANIA Senate, not the UNITED STATES Senate. I was wondering why the names didn't jump right out at me.
Luckily (and also embarrassingly), about 30 seconds after I sent one message, a secretary or whoever reads email first from PA STATE SENATE called me to tell me that I had the wrong people. She was nice enough to point me in the right direction but I felt so stupid. But she was super helpful and maybe she was thinking, "Well, at least this dumb ass is trying". That's what I hope anyway!
I find it remarkable that the U.S. Government can just "raise" the debt ceiling and thus, avert a crisis.
(I know, I know, it's not that simple but sometimes news reporters make it seem that way)
Are our lovely elected officials really going to let this crisis come to pass?
As a family who has had it's share of financial ups and downs, the thought of another force making such a negative impact on the economic status of our country really, really scares me. We are walking a budget tightrope ourselves right now. And just because we do it often doesn't mean we like it! We're just doing our very best. The fact that our house isn't in foreclosure tells me that we have learned something about balancing a budget...or at times, what I like to call "creative finance" which involves figuring out what bills needs to be paid, which offer a grace period that we need to work with & how to prioritize things when the debt-to-income ratio is unfavorable.
If a dum-dum like me can figure this out, certainly the smarties on Capitol Hill and in the White House can do that too. Right?
My husband thinks that this is all for drama and a last minute deal will be made. I usually think that way about government stuff too but this time, for some reason, I feel less sure about that. I think there are too many people who want to see Obama take the fall for a problem that did not originate with him.
One thing I learned about economics is that the consequences of policies made by one administration aren't necessarily felt during that same 4 year period. It takes time. And the responsibility should be shared by the powers that be when it comes to figuring out a solution.
And even if you could blame just one person for the current situation, is it really worth it to run that person down just to make a point? What about the rest of us?
About 5 days ago, I had to look up the definition of the "debt ceiling" in order to understand the nature of the current government (or American, or possible world) financial crisis. I had to consult 3 different articles/sites with explanations in order to actually comprehend it. It's possible that I remain a bit foggy on the details but understand enough to get the weight of the situation.
I'm embarrassed to admit to you that when I tried to write to my representatives in Congress, I wrote to the wrong ones at first--the ones that are in, for example, the PENNSYLVANIA Senate, not the UNITED STATES Senate. I was wondering why the names didn't jump right out at me.
Luckily (and also embarrassingly), about 30 seconds after I sent one message, a secretary or whoever reads email first from PA STATE SENATE called me to tell me that I had the wrong people. She was nice enough to point me in the right direction but I felt so stupid. But she was super helpful and maybe she was thinking, "Well, at least this dumb ass is trying". That's what I hope anyway!
I find it remarkable that the U.S. Government can just "raise" the debt ceiling and thus, avert a crisis.
(I know, I know, it's not that simple but sometimes news reporters make it seem that way)
Are our lovely elected officials really going to let this crisis come to pass?
As a family who has had it's share of financial ups and downs, the thought of another force making such a negative impact on the economic status of our country really, really scares me. We are walking a budget tightrope ourselves right now. And just because we do it often doesn't mean we like it! We're just doing our very best. The fact that our house isn't in foreclosure tells me that we have learned something about balancing a budget...or at times, what I like to call "creative finance" which involves figuring out what bills needs to be paid, which offer a grace period that we need to work with & how to prioritize things when the debt-to-income ratio is unfavorable.
If a dum-dum like me can figure this out, certainly the smarties on Capitol Hill and in the White House can do that too. Right?
My husband thinks that this is all for drama and a last minute deal will be made. I usually think that way about government stuff too but this time, for some reason, I feel less sure about that. I think there are too many people who want to see Obama take the fall for a problem that did not originate with him.
One thing I learned about economics is that the consequences of policies made by one administration aren't necessarily felt during that same 4 year period. It takes time. And the responsibility should be shared by the powers that be when it comes to figuring out a solution.
And even if you could blame just one person for the current situation, is it really worth it to run that person down just to make a point? What about the rest of us?
Friday, July 1, 2011
drama, drama go away
Happy July! Now to the situation at hand:
I really hate family drama, especially when it is my in-law side versus my side of the family. If it's my side, I can just address whatever is at hand and figure it out and be done with it. If it's the in-law side, I feel like I have to be more cautious- even though I do love my hubby's side of the family.
Mike's way of managing some of these situations is not always to my liking either. His pattern is something like this: avoid/boycott, finally call/receive phone call, have dramatic argument...after the argument, there are one of two possibilities:
1. Mike got to have his say and so he considers the matter closed and things slowly return to normal
or
2. Mike is further pissed off by the other party's reaction and vows that he is "done" with said party. At some point, this generally wears off but one time it took about a year + another, more productive conversation.
You can imagine the dilemma this creates for me at times. It's not fun...I try to encourage the "working it out" idea whenever possible. The most recent issue, which I will not discuss further, is one of those things that could have been a small bump in the road...but has grown into a huge pothole. And in this case, I'm not so much angry as maybe having some hurt feelings of my own. But I'd probably choose to let it go rather than address if it were up to me alone.
I haven't provided enough detail to ask for advice...I'm just writing it out because it helps me process.
I'm just hoping that some resolution is achieved so that I'm not in an awkward position for too long!
I really hate family drama, especially when it is my in-law side versus my side of the family. If it's my side, I can just address whatever is at hand and figure it out and be done with it. If it's the in-law side, I feel like I have to be more cautious- even though I do love my hubby's side of the family.
Mike's way of managing some of these situations is not always to my liking either. His pattern is something like this: avoid/boycott, finally call/receive phone call, have dramatic argument...after the argument, there are one of two possibilities:
1. Mike got to have his say and so he considers the matter closed and things slowly return to normal
or
2. Mike is further pissed off by the other party's reaction and vows that he is "done" with said party. At some point, this generally wears off but one time it took about a year + another, more productive conversation.
You can imagine the dilemma this creates for me at times. It's not fun...I try to encourage the "working it out" idea whenever possible. The most recent issue, which I will not discuss further, is one of those things that could have been a small bump in the road...but has grown into a huge pothole. And in this case, I'm not so much angry as maybe having some hurt feelings of my own. But I'd probably choose to let it go rather than address if it were up to me alone.
I haven't provided enough detail to ask for advice...I'm just writing it out because it helps me process.
I'm just hoping that some resolution is achieved so that I'm not in an awkward position for too long!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Car Seat Question
I'm sure you heard of some new guidelines regarding car seats and booster seats.
I understand the new recommendations.
Out of all of this, here is my dilemma:
Michael is 4 years old, 40lbs. He is old enough/big enough to be in a belt positioning booster.
Our current convertible car seats for both boys maxes out at 40lbs for using the seat forward facing with a harness.
Current car seat also works as a belt positioning, high back booster for up to 100lbs.
I am having all kinds of stress about switching him over to the seatbelt. But to keep in the harness, I'd have to purchase a new carseat. I don't mind spending the money if it is worth it but is it really necessary?
What have you heard or experienced about having your child in a harness vs. seatbelt?
In Pennsylvania, there is no state law governing the harness restraint once your child turns 4. They just have to be in a booster to insure proper seatbelt fit.
I've done some internet search and am still not sure what to do. I'd like to avoid spending more money.
IF you happen to have a booster than also includes a harness up to a certain weight (like 55, 65 lbs, whatever), maybe let me know about that.
Also, on a similar but different note, does anyone have a minivan that allows 3 convertible car seats to be installed in the center row?
I understand the new recommendations.
Out of all of this, here is my dilemma:
Michael is 4 years old, 40lbs. He is old enough/big enough to be in a belt positioning booster.
Our current convertible car seats for both boys maxes out at 40lbs for using the seat forward facing with a harness.
Current car seat also works as a belt positioning, high back booster for up to 100lbs.
I am having all kinds of stress about switching him over to the seatbelt. But to keep in the harness, I'd have to purchase a new carseat. I don't mind spending the money if it is worth it but is it really necessary?
What have you heard or experienced about having your child in a harness vs. seatbelt?
In Pennsylvania, there is no state law governing the harness restraint once your child turns 4. They just have to be in a booster to insure proper seatbelt fit.
I've done some internet search and am still not sure what to do. I'd like to avoid spending more money.
IF you happen to have a booster than also includes a harness up to a certain weight (like 55, 65 lbs, whatever), maybe let me know about that.
Also, on a similar but different note, does anyone have a minivan that allows 3 convertible car seats to be installed in the center row?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Heavy Heart
I've got so much on my mind. But the only thing on my mind that's "mine" is our current spiral into another episode of scary financial territory. Someday, maybe I will describe some of the background that has led to our financial ruin. I'm never sure how much to share about that, how much I am comfortable sharing. For now, let's just say that unless some funds come in soon, we are going to be completely screwed.
Our money woes aren't even at the top of my list these days. I have several good friends with serious struggles- in areas much more important than money. Not wanting to say too much about other people's business, I'll give you only a sketch. None of these friends read here but still, better safe than sorry. Just because I'm a mostly an open book doesn't mean anyone else needs to be.
One of my friends is in the process of adopting two foster children and is going through so much because the kids backgrounds are COMPLICATED and I feel for her. I have no idea what it would be like to have two children dropped at my house one day. They have lived 10 lives in only a few years and I wouldn't even have the full back story because no adult has been consistent in their lives. Imagine that for a minute. She is doing such a great job but like all parents who doubt themselves, I can tell she just wants to do better for them. It's going to take time to build trust, for them to feel safe...all the things that a child automatically has for their parents when they are lucky enough to have good ones! I admire her so much and hope to just be her friend through this and help her in any way I can.
Another friend just emailed me about some unexplained health issues she is having. Ugh! I am praying that tests and doctors can help put the pieces together and give her an answer...and treatment options.
Another friend is struggling through fertility issues and because she knows I've never struggled with that, I know she doesn't think of me as her best resource. I just want to listen, to offer support and encouragement and hopefully not say anything stupid. Despite my very best intentions, I'm afraid that I could do that.
Another friend- and this one honestly weighs most heavily on my heart- might be faced with a life or death type of decision. I am just praying that the next test/tests reveal that all the worry was for nothing. Or at least that the situation isn't as dire as it seems. I would really like to lay this all out but it's not my place to do that. She has asked me the question, "What would you do if it were you?" And I answered honestly, as best I could. But it's a situation where there is a series of decision points and it's hard for me to know what I would do once it hits a certain point of seriousness. I am again just trying to be a good listener, a good friend and hope to give her some feeling of love and support during this difficult time. While I can cry at the drop of a hat over something silly, I don't often cry when you would normally expect to (funerals for example). I don't know why- it isn't that I don't feel sad, it's just my reaction I guess. But when my friend told me about this situation, I cried with her.
I wish I had a magic wand. I wish that love alone could change all of these things for the better. But it takes more than that. These are the times when I hope my friendship gives the other person at least some feeling of comfort. I know I can't change it but maybe just being present is enough for the moment.
Our money woes aren't even at the top of my list these days. I have several good friends with serious struggles- in areas much more important than money. Not wanting to say too much about other people's business, I'll give you only a sketch. None of these friends read here but still, better safe than sorry. Just because I'm a mostly an open book doesn't mean anyone else needs to be.
One of my friends is in the process of adopting two foster children and is going through so much because the kids backgrounds are COMPLICATED and I feel for her. I have no idea what it would be like to have two children dropped at my house one day. They have lived 10 lives in only a few years and I wouldn't even have the full back story because no adult has been consistent in their lives. Imagine that for a minute. She is doing such a great job but like all parents who doubt themselves, I can tell she just wants to do better for them. It's going to take time to build trust, for them to feel safe...all the things that a child automatically has for their parents when they are lucky enough to have good ones! I admire her so much and hope to just be her friend through this and help her in any way I can.
Another friend just emailed me about some unexplained health issues she is having. Ugh! I am praying that tests and doctors can help put the pieces together and give her an answer...and treatment options.
Another friend is struggling through fertility issues and because she knows I've never struggled with that, I know she doesn't think of me as her best resource. I just want to listen, to offer support and encouragement and hopefully not say anything stupid. Despite my very best intentions, I'm afraid that I could do that.
Another friend- and this one honestly weighs most heavily on my heart- might be faced with a life or death type of decision. I am just praying that the next test/tests reveal that all the worry was for nothing. Or at least that the situation isn't as dire as it seems. I would really like to lay this all out but it's not my place to do that. She has asked me the question, "What would you do if it were you?" And I answered honestly, as best I could. But it's a situation where there is a series of decision points and it's hard for me to know what I would do once it hits a certain point of seriousness. I am again just trying to be a good listener, a good friend and hope to give her some feeling of love and support during this difficult time. While I can cry at the drop of a hat over something silly, I don't often cry when you would normally expect to (funerals for example). I don't know why- it isn't that I don't feel sad, it's just my reaction I guess. But when my friend told me about this situation, I cried with her.
I wish I had a magic wand. I wish that love alone could change all of these things for the better. But it takes more than that. These are the times when I hope my friendship gives the other person at least some feeling of comfort. I know I can't change it but maybe just being present is enough for the moment.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Catching Up/Venting
I love traveling and visiting with family. But I hate coming back home. Because I never get to leave the house the way I'd like to leave it, it always takes forever to get everything back to normal & let's not forget to mention the laundry.
Yes, I am a grinch, I know it. We had a great extended post-Thanksgiving weekend at Mike's Dad's house. It was lots of fun and I definitely had a good time. But when I come home, it always seems like such a let down. We also discovered a rat living too close to our home front and had suspicions that he might be trying to make his way inside. So we had that to deal with as soon as we got home. UGH!
Then Mike had a phone conversation with his sister where it was somehow suggested that we might host Christmas dinner this year (without talking to me about it). Let me first say that if I had a different house, I would gladly host any holiday dinner. But in this house, with 3 small children & a rather big extended family? Um, no. I will help anyone else in every way possible, as long as I am not the host.
Please note that I live in a small row home. No real dining room, smallish kitchen, one bathroom, no dishwasher. I have about 1.5 feet of free counter space, would need to set up part of the play area as the eating area, would have to purchase a long table in order to fit everyone and let's recall, I have no dishwasher. And this is Christmas so I have no idea where we might be able to open up gifts. I quickly envisioned a day that would entail me living in the kitchen all. day. long. Mike and I proceeded to have an argument about this that went in too many bad directions- you know the kind I am talking about?
I guess I could do it if I wanted to be completely stressed out for the next month & have a mental breakdown on Christmas Eve. It would literally suck the fun out of the holiday for me. Mike does not consider the preparations that take need to be made, not to mention the actual work on the day of...just ask him what he did to help prepare for Chloe's party? And that didn't involve a sit down dinner. Under normal conditions I don't begrudge this at all--but it just gets to me in the heat of an argument. Because Mike just figures that everything would come together- he doesn't consider the work involved to make it come together. And today that just bothered me.
I realize I sound ridiculous but lately I have been feeling a lovely combination of inadequate and under-appreciated. So maybe it just hit me the wrong way? Some people would say "what the heck?" and just go for it. I am not in that category. I wish I could be more easy going about these kinds of things but I always want everything to be perfect & can never meet my own expectations.
I'm now in such a crappy mood...after a wonderful holiday and weekend...I feel like such a scrooge. I hope that a little venting on this here blog with help clear my mind & get me ready to start fresh tomorrow. I don't want to spend the holiday season in a funk!
PS- I also hope that PMS is to blame for this crud mood...which means the mood should lift in a day or two. Fingers crossed!!
Yes, I am a grinch, I know it. We had a great extended post-Thanksgiving weekend at Mike's Dad's house. It was lots of fun and I definitely had a good time. But when I come home, it always seems like such a let down. We also discovered a rat living too close to our home front and had suspicions that he might be trying to make his way inside. So we had that to deal with as soon as we got home. UGH!
Then Mike had a phone conversation with his sister where it was somehow suggested that we might host Christmas dinner this year (without talking to me about it). Let me first say that if I had a different house, I would gladly host any holiday dinner. But in this house, with 3 small children & a rather big extended family? Um, no. I will help anyone else in every way possible, as long as I am not the host.
Please note that I live in a small row home. No real dining room, smallish kitchen, one bathroom, no dishwasher. I have about 1.5 feet of free counter space, would need to set up part of the play area as the eating area, would have to purchase a long table in order to fit everyone and let's recall, I have no dishwasher. And this is Christmas so I have no idea where we might be able to open up gifts. I quickly envisioned a day that would entail me living in the kitchen all. day. long. Mike and I proceeded to have an argument about this that went in too many bad directions- you know the kind I am talking about?
I guess I could do it if I wanted to be completely stressed out for the next month & have a mental breakdown on Christmas Eve. It would literally suck the fun out of the holiday for me. Mike does not consider the preparations that take need to be made, not to mention the actual work on the day of...just ask him what he did to help prepare for Chloe's party? And that didn't involve a sit down dinner. Under normal conditions I don't begrudge this at all--but it just gets to me in the heat of an argument. Because Mike just figures that everything would come together- he doesn't consider the work involved to make it come together. And today that just bothered me.
I realize I sound ridiculous but lately I have been feeling a lovely combination of inadequate and under-appreciated. So maybe it just hit me the wrong way? Some people would say "what the heck?" and just go for it. I am not in that category. I wish I could be more easy going about these kinds of things but I always want everything to be perfect & can never meet my own expectations.
I'm now in such a crappy mood...after a wonderful holiday and weekend...I feel like such a scrooge. I hope that a little venting on this here blog with help clear my mind & get me ready to start fresh tomorrow. I don't want to spend the holiday season in a funk!
PS- I also hope that PMS is to blame for this crud mood...which means the mood should lift in a day or two. Fingers crossed!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Obsessive Much?
Okay friends, I gotta come clean...
Remember a while back when the girl formerly known as my very best friend kicked me to the curb in a very impersonal and permanent way? Well, if you don't remember, go here to refresh. I realize I never named her in that post and I'm not sure if I did it anywhere else but let's just call her 'Betsy' to keep things easy---I don't know anyone named Betsy so it seems like a safe choice for me.
I just found out that one of our mutual friends is invited to Betsy's wedding. My friend told me in a very careful way, obviously not wanting to hurt my feelings but equally not wanting to keep it from me. I think she & her husband might feel stuck in the middle? I told her that it is completely up to them if they want to attend the wedding & that I would never put them in the middle of anything. Also, I pointed out that there really is no 'middle' since Betsy no longer makes any contact with me & completely ignored the few attempts that I made.
Here is the point of irritation for me: When Betsy and I were still talking, we were discussing her wedding plans & how many guests they would invite. I brought up this couple, asking if she would invite them. She quickly told me that she would not be inviting them since they don't keep in touch with her anymore. Betsy was clearly kind of pissy about this- especially since I do keep in touch with them. As far as I know, this hasn't changed in recent times...she just invited them out of the blue. I just find it weird & maybe kind of two-faced? I don't know, I just found it odd.
I really am fine with whatever they decide to do & would not be angry if they end up going. The immature side of me might like them to go & then report back to me on the details. Which might sound like I am looking for an opportunity to get some digs in but isn't really the case. The sad reality is that I still can't believe that this girl is totally out of my life. I never, ever thought our friendship would be severed so completely & irrevocably. I can't believe that I haven't been a part of this happy, exciting time in her life. I feel like I walked through the tough stuff with her and now, when all her dreams are coming true, I'm left out of it. I don't have the chance to celebrate & toast to her happiness. She did so much to make my wedding special and now I can't even attend hers. It sucks!
As much as I'd like to think that I'm better off (because maybe she wasn't always such a good friend to me), I can't go there just yet. It's still as if it just happened. It's been over a year and I am still trying to figure out when will I be able to let this go. I don't worry over it every day but I think about it far too often.
Remember a while back when the girl formerly known as my very best friend kicked me to the curb in a very impersonal and permanent way? Well, if you don't remember, go here to refresh. I realize I never named her in that post and I'm not sure if I did it anywhere else but let's just call her 'Betsy' to keep things easy---I don't know anyone named Betsy so it seems like a safe choice for me.
I just found out that one of our mutual friends is invited to Betsy's wedding. My friend told me in a very careful way, obviously not wanting to hurt my feelings but equally not wanting to keep it from me. I think she & her husband might feel stuck in the middle? I told her that it is completely up to them if they want to attend the wedding & that I would never put them in the middle of anything. Also, I pointed out that there really is no 'middle' since Betsy no longer makes any contact with me & completely ignored the few attempts that I made.
Here is the point of irritation for me: When Betsy and I were still talking, we were discussing her wedding plans & how many guests they would invite. I brought up this couple, asking if she would invite them. She quickly told me that she would not be inviting them since they don't keep in touch with her anymore. Betsy was clearly kind of pissy about this- especially since I do keep in touch with them. As far as I know, this hasn't changed in recent times...she just invited them out of the blue. I just find it weird & maybe kind of two-faced? I don't know, I just found it odd.
I really am fine with whatever they decide to do & would not be angry if they end up going. The immature side of me might like them to go & then report back to me on the details. Which might sound like I am looking for an opportunity to get some digs in but isn't really the case. The sad reality is that I still can't believe that this girl is totally out of my life. I never, ever thought our friendship would be severed so completely & irrevocably. I can't believe that I haven't been a part of this happy, exciting time in her life. I feel like I walked through the tough stuff with her and now, when all her dreams are coming true, I'm left out of it. I don't have the chance to celebrate & toast to her happiness. She did so much to make my wedding special and now I can't even attend hers. It sucks!
As much as I'd like to think that I'm better off (because maybe she wasn't always such a good friend to me), I can't go there just yet. It's still as if it just happened. It's been over a year and I am still trying to figure out when will I be able to let this go. I don't worry over it every day but I think about it far too often.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I think I've written this post before...
In October of 2008, I was presented with an alarmingly similar situation.
It seems there is a job prospect with my former employer. It's still related to autism services but it is a different position from the one I was in before. This one involves not just evaluation but treatment planning as well. So I won't just be helping families gain access to services for their children, I will be one of the people providing services. This is a full time position.
Once again, this sounds like a great opportunity--it appears that the compensation would be excellent. This time around, I have 3 little kids to think about missing and the youngest one is just shy of 10 months old (last time, Liam was close to 18 months old). This time around, however, it's possible that daycare will not be a factor because Mike will be home with the kids. Although, it would BECOME a factor if an opportunity arises for Mike- so I have to think about that as well...
Rather than worry and fret over potential decisions to be made, I am going to go to the interview tomorrow & then think things over if I get an actual job offer. I'm not sure that my experience level is the right match for this job. I'll know more once I interview tomorrow and find out the specifics.
If it looks like a real possibility, I will be mulling it over in my next post!
It seems there is a job prospect with my former employer. It's still related to autism services but it is a different position from the one I was in before. This one involves not just evaluation but treatment planning as well. So I won't just be helping families gain access to services for their children, I will be one of the people providing services. This is a full time position.
Once again, this sounds like a great opportunity--it appears that the compensation would be excellent. This time around, I have 3 little kids to think about missing and the youngest one is just shy of 10 months old (last time, Liam was close to 18 months old). This time around, however, it's possible that daycare will not be a factor because Mike will be home with the kids. Although, it would BECOME a factor if an opportunity arises for Mike- so I have to think about that as well...
Rather than worry and fret over potential decisions to be made, I am going to go to the interview tomorrow & then think things over if I get an actual job offer. I'm not sure that my experience level is the right match for this job. I'll know more once I interview tomorrow and find out the specifics.
If it looks like a real possibility, I will be mulling it over in my next post!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Practicing What I Preach (updated)
I made a phone call to our local Early Intervention office (which is now called 'Preschool Special Education' in our neck of the woods) for my Liam. The concern is speech, specifically articulation.
I'm not sure if he will end up needing any services but I asked a friend of mine who works for E.I. for her thoughts. She is on maternity leave right now and we have a weekly play date so she does see Liam regularly. She did a quick screening for me on Friday & recommended that I call.
I made the initial phone call this morning. Now I just need to wait for a call back from the service coordinator to schedule the appointment.
I don't find Liam hard to understand but I am with him all the time. I also do alot of accommodating- for example, if I don't know what he is saying, I ask him to show me or find some other way to figure it out. I have noticed lately that other people really struggle to understand what he is saying. I also started paying attention to his speech & noticed some things. He seems to substitute one letter for another quite often- some of this is age appropriate but I'm not sure that all of it is. He also trills his tongue (like rolling the /r/ sound while speaking Spanish)--I'm not sure how much that matters.
I also feel a bit concerned about Liam's hearing. His 3 year well visit is coming up in June so I am going to make sure I address that with our pediatrician--just in case anything is going on there. Liam does not complain when he has an ear infection...well, not until it is REALLY bad. He had a ruptured ear drum and we didn't know it. But I know that type of thing can cause problems with hearing. So we will cover that base as well.
Whatever the outcome of the evaluation, I just want to get him the right supports if any are needed. I'll let you know how that goes...
*Update: Our appointment is scheduled for Monday, May 24th. I am relieved that we don't have to wait too long!
I'm not sure if he will end up needing any services but I asked a friend of mine who works for E.I. for her thoughts. She is on maternity leave right now and we have a weekly play date so she does see Liam regularly. She did a quick screening for me on Friday & recommended that I call.
I made the initial phone call this morning. Now I just need to wait for a call back from the service coordinator to schedule the appointment.
I don't find Liam hard to understand but I am with him all the time. I also do alot of accommodating- for example, if I don't know what he is saying, I ask him to show me or find some other way to figure it out. I have noticed lately that other people really struggle to understand what he is saying. I also started paying attention to his speech & noticed some things. He seems to substitute one letter for another quite often- some of this is age appropriate but I'm not sure that all of it is. He also trills his tongue (like rolling the /r/ sound while speaking Spanish)--I'm not sure how much that matters.
I also feel a bit concerned about Liam's hearing. His 3 year well visit is coming up in June so I am going to make sure I address that with our pediatrician--just in case anything is going on there. Liam does not complain when he has an ear infection...well, not until it is REALLY bad. He had a ruptured ear drum and we didn't know it. But I know that type of thing can cause problems with hearing. So we will cover that base as well.
Whatever the outcome of the evaluation, I just want to get him the right supports if any are needed. I'll let you know how that goes...
*Update: Our appointment is scheduled for Monday, May 24th. I am relieved that we don't have to wait too long!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Just a few tidbits...
1. At the beginning of the week, Mike was laid off from his job. Luckily, he is eligible to file for unemployment benefits.
2. UNLUCKILY, it will cost a million dollars for us to maintain our health benefits once they expire at the end of the month. Well, okay, not a MILLION dollars but that's what it feels like. We are exploring our options.
3. I am going to start selling Tupperware as a way to bring in some funds. This was already in the works (to bring in extra funds-ha ha, what are those?) and now I am just thankful I have a plan in motion. Keep your fingers crossed that this goes well! I will pursue other options if necessary.
2. UNLUCKILY, it will cost a million dollars for us to maintain our health benefits once they expire at the end of the month. Well, okay, not a MILLION dollars but that's what it feels like. We are exploring our options.
3. I am going to start selling Tupperware as a way to bring in some funds. This was already in the works (to bring in extra funds-ha ha, what are those?) and now I am just thankful I have a plan in motion. Keep your fingers crossed that this goes well! I will pursue other options if necessary.
4. While it sucks for Mike to lose his job, it's so nice to have him around all day. I am much less tired. I didn't even take a nap today- that's unheard of! And I haven't had caffeine in the morning for 3 days now. It makes me think that maybe I don't have chronic fatigue syndrome but maybe it's managing all these kids that wears me out?
5. Chloe is enjoying her adventures in eating solids. Well, they aren't that solid at this point but so far she has tried rice cereal, oatmeal, sweet potatoes, squash, pears and applesauce. The only thing that gave her a little tummy trouble so far was the applesauce- just gas but it was definitely uncomfortable for her. I am thinking about trying bananas next! I love these early feeding experiences, I find it so much fun to see the baby's reactions to different flavors and textures. Chloe already wants to feed herself so that makes it extra fun/messy but I admire her confidence!
6. Michael and Liam are still loving their two mornings of preschool. I am praying that I can afford to pay their May tuition- the last month before summer camp starts. I am not planning to put them into the summer program but I would like them to finish out the year.
7. A nap revolt has begun this week...and we were in such a good groove. I hope that this phase passes quickly because I really can't stand sleep wars.
8. Liam was showing signs of being ready to potty train. That interest was not maintained.
9. Liam also has an ear infection this week, complete with a punctured ear drum. He is such a trooper and I love his courage but I wish he would be more forthcoming when something is hurting him.
10. I am trying not to freak out about #1 but I am really nervous. We just survived a massive financial crisis last year and this lack of income could throw us over the edge again. I am going to do everything I can to prevent that from happening!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Giving notice...
This evening, I sent out my official "I won't be returning to full time work" notice to both my boss and her boss. I drafted this about 1.5 weeks ago and then just let it sit for a while so I could think about it and make sure I was ready to drop that news.
And today I was just ready...too many people are starting to ask if I am coming back--I have to notify the daycare--I am a bad liar when it comes to those things. I can only look a certain number of people in the eye & deliver my standard (dishonest) line.
It's the right decision...there are many things that I have become aware of in the past month or so and these things make it clear to me that full time is not the way to go at this point in our lives. The practical side of making it work is something that we need to iron out properly but I have confidence that we can figure out those details.
This pregnancy has changed me and it's not just due to hormonal overload. I can't quite put it into words just yet but a light has been shown on some areas of life that I am neglecting.
Many of my friends balance home and work quite beautifully and I admire what they are able to accomplish. I also acknowledge their great efforts in making things work for their families. I don't feel that same sense of harmony. And I can't say I would feel it even if we weren't about to welcome baby #3.
So that's where we are...I took the coward's way out and sent the email after hours. And tomorrow, I will have the real conversation with my boss. I am hopeful that she will be understanding.
And today I was just ready...too many people are starting to ask if I am coming back--I have to notify the daycare--I am a bad liar when it comes to those things. I can only look a certain number of people in the eye & deliver my standard (dishonest) line.
It's the right decision...there are many things that I have become aware of in the past month or so and these things make it clear to me that full time is not the way to go at this point in our lives. The practical side of making it work is something that we need to iron out properly but I have confidence that we can figure out those details.
This pregnancy has changed me and it's not just due to hormonal overload. I can't quite put it into words just yet but a light has been shown on some areas of life that I am neglecting.
Many of my friends balance home and work quite beautifully and I admire what they are able to accomplish. I also acknowledge their great efforts in making things work for their families. I don't feel that same sense of harmony. And I can't say I would feel it even if we weren't about to welcome baby #3.
So that's where we are...I took the coward's way out and sent the email after hours. And tomorrow, I will have the real conversation with my boss. I am hopeful that she will be understanding.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Flu shots...
I got a flu shot a couple weeks ago...only the 2nd I've ever had.
I am sort of anti-flu shot. I can't explain why I feel that way.
I am VERY apprehensive about the whole swine flu shot.
The boys are scheduled for their flu shots...
You know there is a question coming, right? Actually, there are 2:
1.
Do you and/or your children get the regular flu shot?
2.
Are you and/or your children going to get the swine flu shot (when available)?
I am sort of anti-flu shot. I can't explain why I feel that way.
I am VERY apprehensive about the whole swine flu shot.
The boys are scheduled for their flu shots...
You know there is a question coming, right? Actually, there are 2:
1.
Do you and/or your children get the regular flu shot?
2.
Are you and/or your children going to get the swine flu shot (when available)?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Bummer Part2
I feel an intense responsibility for every detail of life- especially the trivial, unimportant stuff.
But when I don't attend to daily life, things fall apart: no food in the house, clean clothes not where they need to be, bathroom-ew!, bedrooms-too dusty for words.
When things aren't in some semblance of order, I feel like a failure.
If I try to take care of some of THAT stuff, other things fall by the wayside.
When Michael doesn't fall asleep at a decent hour...
When Liam doesn't get enough cuddle time....
When both boys are talking to me and I just can't seem to listen fully...
I feel that I am failing them as a mother.
I want to write about the good things from each day, the utter beauty of my children, the new life growing inside of me, the blessings life has shared with me...but lately, all I can think of are the negatives:
We have no money, our house needs painting/remodeling (or at least a decent cleaning), we don't do enough fun things with the boys, we are adding another child to already strained resources. What are we thinking?
There aren't enough hours in the day or week and I am consistently sub-par in all of my efforts. I expect too much of others...I also burn myself out and then get lazy...then guilty.
I hate working outside of the home- even though the job is right up my alley.
I hate the constant go,go,go of our lives and how despite all this, I feel like we are going no where. I want to feel a sense of contentment and a sense that everything will be okay.
I recognize that many of these feelings are shared by parents-everyone has too much to do and everyone has worries...I have allowed mine to get the best of me in recent weeks.
Where has my ability to put aside those stresses and just enjoy the moment gone?
I've lost that and I need to find it again.
But when I don't attend to daily life, things fall apart: no food in the house, clean clothes not where they need to be, bathroom-ew!, bedrooms-too dusty for words.
When things aren't in some semblance of order, I feel like a failure.
If I try to take care of some of THAT stuff, other things fall by the wayside.
When Michael doesn't fall asleep at a decent hour...
When Liam doesn't get enough cuddle time....
When both boys are talking to me and I just can't seem to listen fully...
I feel that I am failing them as a mother.
I want to write about the good things from each day, the utter beauty of my children, the new life growing inside of me, the blessings life has shared with me...but lately, all I can think of are the negatives:
We have no money, our house needs painting/remodeling (or at least a decent cleaning), we don't do enough fun things with the boys, we are adding another child to already strained resources. What are we thinking?
There aren't enough hours in the day or week and I am consistently sub-par in all of my efforts. I expect too much of others...I also burn myself out and then get lazy...then guilty.
I hate working outside of the home- even though the job is right up my alley.
I hate the constant go,go,go of our lives and how despite all this, I feel like we are going no where. I want to feel a sense of contentment and a sense that everything will be okay.
I recognize that many of these feelings are shared by parents-everyone has too much to do and everyone has worries...I have allowed mine to get the best of me in recent weeks.
Where has my ability to put aside those stresses and just enjoy the moment gone?
I've lost that and I need to find it again.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Neighbors
Oh, there's plenty I could write about from the last week...but I am going to skip all that and discuss my concerns regarding our new neighbors.
To set this up- I live in a row of four homes, in one of the middle homes--my new neighbors are the other middle home. My previous neighbors were a married couple with one daughter (junior high age). They kept to themselves but were very nice. The husband actually mowed our grass a few times after Liam was born & would help me unload groceries from my car, etc. when I was pregnant. But they had their struggles and ended up splitting up last year. I never heard them argue-they were not that type. We didn't know until the husband was moving out. I knew the wife didn't really take much interest in the house but I had no idea how much she DIDN'T do...
Anyway, new neighbor (we'll call her Terry) told me (the first day I met her) that she is married but she isn't "sure what her husband's intentions are"(WTH?)... She has 3 children: a girl and two boys. Terry told me ALOT about the poor conditions of the house including mold in the bathroom, cat poo in the basement and many other gross details. She is in the process of having the bathroom and kitchen re-done prior to actually moving in-along with other painting, etc. She apologized for the noise, etc. that would be created by that.
So she sounds okay, right? Fixing up the house, obviously wanting to take care of it. I feel bad for her--I don't know if she didn't get a good inspection or do a walk through but it seems that she got more work than she bargained for when she bought the house.
Here's the problem: Terry is LOUD..I know EVERYTHING she is doing to the house because if my front door is open, I HEAR every word she says when she is there...Her kids (the boys) scream ALOT more than any of the other kids in our neighborhood. She yells at them ALOT. Her husband- the few times I have seen him--is also loud and likes the "F" word...hmmm. Not that I haven't been known to use some bad language but definitely NOT so the whole neighborhood can hear it and NOT in front of children. I foresee DRAMA---and LOTS of it.
Our neighborhood isn't "sha-sha" AT ALL. But our street is comprised mostly of families with youngish children and few teenagers. There is really never excessive noise. One family who happens to be Hispanic has extended family living with them and they like to play Spanish music on the weekends--but it is never obnoxious. We have always been fairly happy living here- even though this is not our dream situation.
I just feel like the balance has been disrupted by the new arrivals. I feel like I am always going to hear everything that goes on in their life whether I want to or not. I worry about what my children will overhear--and they are getting to be an age where it does matter. I am trying really hard not to rush to judgment. Time will tell and I will let you know if my initial impression was correct or if it was much ado about nothing. I am really hoping for the latter.
To set this up- I live in a row of four homes, in one of the middle homes--my new neighbors are the other middle home. My previous neighbors were a married couple with one daughter (junior high age). They kept to themselves but were very nice. The husband actually mowed our grass a few times after Liam was born & would help me unload groceries from my car, etc. when I was pregnant. But they had their struggles and ended up splitting up last year. I never heard them argue-they were not that type. We didn't know until the husband was moving out. I knew the wife didn't really take much interest in the house but I had no idea how much she DIDN'T do...
Anyway, new neighbor (we'll call her Terry) told me (the first day I met her) that she is married but she isn't "sure what her husband's intentions are"(WTH?)... She has 3 children: a girl and two boys. Terry told me ALOT about the poor conditions of the house including mold in the bathroom, cat poo in the basement and many other gross details. She is in the process of having the bathroom and kitchen re-done prior to actually moving in-along with other painting, etc. She apologized for the noise, etc. that would be created by that.
So she sounds okay, right? Fixing up the house, obviously wanting to take care of it. I feel bad for her--I don't know if she didn't get a good inspection or do a walk through but it seems that she got more work than she bargained for when she bought the house.
Here's the problem: Terry is LOUD..I know EVERYTHING she is doing to the house because if my front door is open, I HEAR every word she says when she is there...Her kids (the boys) scream ALOT more than any of the other kids in our neighborhood. She yells at them ALOT. Her husband- the few times I have seen him--is also loud and likes the "F" word...hmmm. Not that I haven't been known to use some bad language but definitely NOT so the whole neighborhood can hear it and NOT in front of children. I foresee DRAMA---and LOTS of it.
Our neighborhood isn't "sha-sha" AT ALL. But our street is comprised mostly of families with youngish children and few teenagers. There is really never excessive noise. One family who happens to be Hispanic has extended family living with them and they like to play Spanish music on the weekends--but it is never obnoxious. We have always been fairly happy living here- even though this is not our dream situation.
I just feel like the balance has been disrupted by the new arrivals. I feel like I am always going to hear everything that goes on in their life whether I want to or not. I worry about what my children will overhear--and they are getting to be an age where it does matter. I am trying really hard not to rush to judgment. Time will tell and I will let you know if my initial impression was correct or if it was much ado about nothing. I am really hoping for the latter.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
State of Emergency
Okay, so given that there were 4 different fires within hours of each other early on Saturday morning (2 in my township), the township has now declared a "State of Emergency". There is a township meeting Tuesday night to discuss precautions and to get volunteers for a town watch. We were given 2 flyers with details on clearing off front or back porches, keeping your yard clear of anything unnecessary, etc.
Our porches aren't particularly cluttered but this afternoon, I did take the cushions off our porch furniture and put several other potentially flamable items into our basement. We keep both porch lights on all night. Normally, we keep our outdoor trash cans on our back porch during the winter months but they are now at the end of our yard.
I sure hope these precautions do their job. More importantly, I hope the powers that be do THEIR job, track these a-holes down and string them up by their toes. These fires are happening all over the area- with no apparent rhyme or reason. The feeling is that no one is safe. It is truly terrifying.
I need to post about it for my own stress relief. But part of me feels like I am just glorifying the acts of sadistic whack-jobs (that's a legimate diagnosis in my book)...I am giving these people what they want--attention, power, etc. But it's too much anxiety for me to take quite frankly. I sort of calmed down about it for a few days but now I am back to feeling like a sitting duck.
Please keep this situation in your prayers...
*SURVEY: If you were worried right before bed would you a)drink a cup of hot tea OR b)drink a beer? Remember, I have to get up for work tomorrow, so excess is not an option!!!
Our porches aren't particularly cluttered but this afternoon, I did take the cushions off our porch furniture and put several other potentially flamable items into our basement. We keep both porch lights on all night. Normally, we keep our outdoor trash cans on our back porch during the winter months but they are now at the end of our yard.
I sure hope these precautions do their job. More importantly, I hope the powers that be do THEIR job, track these a-holes down and string them up by their toes. These fires are happening all over the area- with no apparent rhyme or reason. The feeling is that no one is safe. It is truly terrifying.
I need to post about it for my own stress relief. But part of me feels like I am just glorifying the acts of sadistic whack-jobs (that's a legimate diagnosis in my book)...I am giving these people what they want--attention, power, etc. But it's too much anxiety for me to take quite frankly. I sort of calmed down about it for a few days but now I am back to feeling like a sitting duck.
Please keep this situation in your prayers...
*SURVEY: If you were worried right before bed would you a)drink a cup of hot tea OR b)drink a beer? Remember, I have to get up for work tomorrow, so excess is not an option!!!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Very Bad Dream
I briefly mentioned the fact that there have been multiple episodes of arson in my town...it is becoming increasingly upsetting. People's homes have been destroyed... some have been injured or even killed.
While I have been worried about this all along, it is only recently that it has started to cause me more serious anxiety. I guess these worries are getting the best of me because last night I had a horrible dream that our house was the target.
(I need to mention that in my dreams, things never look like they do in real life. There is always something different about the physical surroundings- maybe that is my subconscious trying to create a little space between dream and reality?)
In real life, we live in a row house (fancy name=townhouse but ours was built at a time when it was a row house). In my dream, we lived in a single family home with a garage. The arsonists- I think there were 3 or 4 of them- were trying to set fire to a trash can that was in our garage.
This is similar to reality because the most recent fires have been set in trash cans on people's porches. We don't have a garage but we do have a screened in back porch and this is the area where I fear a fire would be set if our house was indeed targeted.
All I really remember is that I opened the garage door and these people came in and blatantly tried to start a fire. I wanted to kick them out but I was scared. They backed down briefly but then it was like I was a prisoner in my own home. I woke up in mid-dream and was terrified. I forced myself to stay awake so I could shake it off -if I go back to sleep too quickly, I will resume the same dream. I didn't sleep very well for the remainder of the night because I kept thinking about the possibility of our house being a target & had to check on the boys to be sure that everyone was safe.
While it's hard for me to describe details to you, the dream was vivid and real at the time. I tend to dream that way. I also tend to rerun dreams and am hoping that this one doesn't come back-in a dream OR in real life.
A recent news article...with the town name edited out...
MY TOWN, PENNSYLVANIA - January 12, 2008-- MY TOWN has been hit with two more suspicous fires, both set on front porches early Monday morning.
The fires broke out at about 2:15 A.M.
One started on North C Street and quickly went to two alarms.
The other fire broke out about four blocks away, on the 200 block of MY STREET.
The second fire caused minor damage.
There are no reports of injuries at either house.
Since New Year's Day, there have already been five cases of arson in MY TOWN
The Fire Marshall is trying to determine if these latest cases should be added to the list.
While I have been worried about this all along, it is only recently that it has started to cause me more serious anxiety. I guess these worries are getting the best of me because last night I had a horrible dream that our house was the target.
(I need to mention that in my dreams, things never look like they do in real life. There is always something different about the physical surroundings- maybe that is my subconscious trying to create a little space between dream and reality?)
In real life, we live in a row house (fancy name=townhouse but ours was built at a time when it was a row house). In my dream, we lived in a single family home with a garage. The arsonists- I think there were 3 or 4 of them- were trying to set fire to a trash can that was in our garage.
This is similar to reality because the most recent fires have been set in trash cans on people's porches. We don't have a garage but we do have a screened in back porch and this is the area where I fear a fire would be set if our house was indeed targeted.
All I really remember is that I opened the garage door and these people came in and blatantly tried to start a fire. I wanted to kick them out but I was scared. They backed down briefly but then it was like I was a prisoner in my own home. I woke up in mid-dream and was terrified. I forced myself to stay awake so I could shake it off -if I go back to sleep too quickly, I will resume the same dream. I didn't sleep very well for the remainder of the night because I kept thinking about the possibility of our house being a target & had to check on the boys to be sure that everyone was safe.
While it's hard for me to describe details to you, the dream was vivid and real at the time. I tend to dream that way. I also tend to rerun dreams and am hoping that this one doesn't come back-in a dream OR in real life.
A recent news article...with the town name edited out...
MY TOWN, PENNSYLVANIA - January 12, 2008-- MY TOWN has been hit with two more suspicous fires, both set on front porches early Monday morning.
The fires broke out at about 2:15 A.M.
One started on North C Street and quickly went to two alarms.
The other fire broke out about four blocks away, on the 200 block of MY STREET.
The second fire caused minor damage.
There are no reports of injuries at either house.
Since New Year's Day, there have already been five cases of arson in MY TOWN
The Fire Marshall is trying to determine if these latest cases should be added to the list.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Don't Wanna Think About It
Tomorrow is D-DAY...Daycare Day for Michael and Liam.
I've been trying not to think about it lest it make me too anxious...and weepy. I've also been talking it up to the kids and focusing on the positive as much as I can.
LUCKILY, Mike does not have to work and will be coming along for the first drop-off. Mostly because I have an ULTRA busy day and can't really linger at the child care center for very long. I am especially worried about Liam- who has developed a runny nose in the past 24 hours.
Oh and Michael is still awake...pause for 5 minutes... I just came back downstairs after responding to a scream that could wake the dead. Michael is now sitting on the sofa watching Sprout b/c I still have stuff to do and can't reach the stink bug that he spotted in his room and is now terrified. Sigh...we are going to get off to a great start tomorrow, right?
Wish us luck...wish me the ability to avoid tears
BTW, one of these days, I will explain my job in a nutshell. The "project" I am a part of is pretty interesting and involves a screening test for autism.
Sweet dreams everyone!
I've been trying not to think about it lest it make me too anxious...and weepy. I've also been talking it up to the kids and focusing on the positive as much as I can.
LUCKILY, Mike does not have to work and will be coming along for the first drop-off. Mostly because I have an ULTRA busy day and can't really linger at the child care center for very long. I am especially worried about Liam- who has developed a runny nose in the past 24 hours.
Oh and Michael is still awake...pause for 5 minutes... I just came back downstairs after responding to a scream that could wake the dead. Michael is now sitting on the sofa watching Sprout b/c I still have stuff to do and can't reach the stink bug that he spotted in his room and is now terrified. Sigh...we are going to get off to a great start tomorrow, right?
Wish us luck...wish me the ability to avoid tears
BTW, one of these days, I will explain my job in a nutshell. The "project" I am a part of is pretty interesting and involves a screening test for autism.
Sweet dreams everyone!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A Post That Isn't Work Related
Are you excited? Well, don't be...I am going to attempt to ask you about a situation that I am not able to fully explain here.
You see, I do censor some of what I might blog about here because I don't know if I might some day share this blog with family members (or they might find it on their own) and so I choose not to air ALL the dirty laundry...but here's a stinky pair of socks-
I know I have mentioned once before that there is an ongoing conflict between Mike and his younger brother. They will tolerate each other's presence but aren't on speaking terms. There was a recent eruption of said conflict, involving another family member. Mike's family is a close one and they really do care about each other. I sometimes think that makes arguments, etc. even more dramatic.
Well, during this recent eruption, one family member implicated our kids. To be more specific, this person alluded to the idea that because of the ADULT conflict, this person didn't know when he/she might see our kids again. This happened about a week and a half ago...I am still struggling with what was said.
I think that this statement was a "heat of the moment" type of thing and that this person was not trying to put the kids in the middle of this or be manipulative. But there is a part of me that still says this type of comment is unacceptable. Especially when it was said TO the kids.
While a one-year-old might not pick up on this or the emotion behind it, a two-year-old WILL pick up on at least the tone of voice/emotion and recognize that something isn't kosher.
I still haven't addressed my feelings with the speaker of these words but I feel that I need to say something. Just to let this person know that while I understand their feelings, I don't want my kids to ever be put in the middle of a conflict that is NOT THEIR PROBLEM! Yes, they are going to hear/see arguments. Heaven knows Mike and I argue...but the difference is, when we argue, the kids also see us resolve things. In this situation, the person stormed out of the house right after uttering these words...there was no resolution, there was barely a good-bye. It was awful.
I know it might be hard to judge with the limited detail but I am hoping I have captured the gist
What would you do?
1. Address it now just so your feelings are heard
OR
2. Chalk it up to a bad moment and not worry about it unless it happens again
OR
3. Open to suggestions
You see, I do censor some of what I might blog about here because I don't know if I might some day share this blog with family members (or they might find it on their own) and so I choose not to air ALL the dirty laundry...but here's a stinky pair of socks-
I know I have mentioned once before that there is an ongoing conflict between Mike and his younger brother. They will tolerate each other's presence but aren't on speaking terms. There was a recent eruption of said conflict, involving another family member. Mike's family is a close one and they really do care about each other. I sometimes think that makes arguments, etc. even more dramatic.
Well, during this recent eruption, one family member implicated our kids. To be more specific, this person alluded to the idea that because of the ADULT conflict, this person didn't know when he/she might see our kids again. This happened about a week and a half ago...I am still struggling with what was said.
I think that this statement was a "heat of the moment" type of thing and that this person was not trying to put the kids in the middle of this or be manipulative. But there is a part of me that still says this type of comment is unacceptable. Especially when it was said TO the kids.
While a one-year-old might not pick up on this or the emotion behind it, a two-year-old WILL pick up on at least the tone of voice/emotion and recognize that something isn't kosher.
I still haven't addressed my feelings with the speaker of these words but I feel that I need to say something. Just to let this person know that while I understand their feelings, I don't want my kids to ever be put in the middle of a conflict that is NOT THEIR PROBLEM! Yes, they are going to hear/see arguments. Heaven knows Mike and I argue...but the difference is, when we argue, the kids also see us resolve things. In this situation, the person stormed out of the house right after uttering these words...there was no resolution, there was barely a good-bye. It was awful.
I know it might be hard to judge with the limited detail but I am hoping I have captured the gist
What would you do?
1. Address it now just so your feelings are heard
OR
2. Chalk it up to a bad moment and not worry about it unless it happens again
OR
3. Open to suggestions
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Tomorrow
So here we are, the night before I start my new job adventure. I am feeling a mix of emotions but mostly a sense of dread. Isn't that terrible? This great opportunity and all I can think is "I don't want to be doing this!"
I am hoping that as I get my feet wet and we establish a routine, the sense of dread will decrease and I will be able to find the good stuff.
Wow and I really wanted to post about Thanksgiving, etc. but my brain is cluttered and foggy. This is going to be harder for me than I thought.
I know I am a big baby and I need to suck it up and move on.
Right now, it's just easier said than done.
Positives:
I am THANKFUL that the boys are not starting daycare until next week...We have this week covered...It makes it easier for me knowing that Michael and Liam are still in a comfort zone, even though I am more absent than what is typical.
I am HOPEFUL that the onsite daycare will be able to take these boys now so that I can be more at ease. I think this would be a great setting for them.
I'll keep you posted :)
I am hoping that as I get my feet wet and we establish a routine, the sense of dread will decrease and I will be able to find the good stuff.
Wow and I really wanted to post about Thanksgiving, etc. but my brain is cluttered and foggy. This is going to be harder for me than I thought.
I know I am a big baby and I need to suck it up and move on.
Right now, it's just easier said than done.
Positives:
I am THANKFUL that the boys are not starting daycare until next week...We have this week covered...It makes it easier for me knowing that Michael and Liam are still in a comfort zone, even though I am more absent than what is typical.
I am HOPEFUL that the onsite daycare will be able to take these boys now so that I can be more at ease. I think this would be a great setting for them.
I'll keep you posted :)
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