Faith, belief, religion

Faith has to do with things that are not seen and hope with things that are not at hand.
Thomas Aquinas

If you know me at all, you know that I was raised Catholic and am still a "practicing Catholic".  I hate that phrase- it always sounds weird to me...but there you have it.

Before I get into this, please know that I worry about sounding pious when I talk about religion, especially as it relates to me personally.  Because I don't feel "better than" and I don't want to come across that way.  I don't consider myself some kind of saint because I go to church regularly.  It's just the way in which I choose to pray and make time to reflect on faith and God.  And I like to think that it helps me to be a better person but I make no promises.  I just try my best- which is what I think most of us are trying to do.  I also don't believe that there is only one religion or one path to God.

I get nervous talking about religion here in bloggy land, so I felt the need to say those things first.  In the hopes that anyone reading will understand where I am coming from.  Because when you write something, you can't be too sure that another reader will hear the tone you intended.  The things I am about to put out here are my own beliefs, my own thoughts, my own questions.  I don't expect everyone to agree or even like what I have to say...but I am struggling and so writing it out is part of the process for me.

I have in my life family and friends from many different religious/spiritual walks.  And it's interesting how different people bring out the different feelings I have about my religious choices and my faith.  People who are- from my perspective- more Catholic than me make me feel like I am not doing enough.  That my faith is weak- that I need to search and make a more concentrated effort into my faith.  People who have a less strict view about religion (Catholic or otherwise) make me feel like I am crazy for worrying so much about all of this God stuff.  I don't necessarily feel that it's the other people who are making me feel these different feelings.  I think it just sometimes takes others to help you see the cracks in your own armor.

Catholic faith is very near and dear to my heart. It's very personal for me.  I made my own choice to continue in this faith- after soul searching, questioning my own heart and mind.  I haven't stayed with it out of comfort or familiarity.  I struggle with my faith often.  Especially with the parts that don't reconcile with me.

I have a deep belief in what goes on at Mass.  The ritual, the meaning behind the actions and the words.  I believe it- I believe that being a part of Mass is just one thing I can do that brings me closer to God.  I also believe that living a life where I treat others the way I'd like to be treated is certain to keep me on a good path.  I believe there is an afterlife, heaven if you will.  I don't believe that you just die and that's it.  It's fair to say that when it comes to the nuts and bolts of Catholicism, I believe in those things.  I am a person who likes to be alone with my thoughts but who also gains so much from praying with others.  While religion and faith are so personal, I don't think that keeping them in isolation allows faith to deepen as much as it can when it's shared with others.

There are several areas where my personal beliefs don't mesh with the traditional Catholic view.  Homosexuality for example.  I have at least one close family member who is gay.  I can't believe that his being gay equals an eternity of doom for him.  He is currently in a relationship where he is more committed than many of the traditional marriages I witness.  I don't know exactly HOW to solve the question of gay marriage in terms of religious conflicts...but I hope and pray for a resolution that fits.  I think he'd like to continue to be Catholic and to practice that religion actively but isn't sure how to make that work.  What do I do with that?  If I am truly seeking to treat others as I'd like to be treated and as a Christian, emulate Jesus, then I should not be sitting in judgment, I should be treating him as I'd like to be treated--with love and respect.

Another topic--- this situation has hit a little closer to home in the past month: the whole abuse scandal with Catholic priests has created a huge dilemma for me.  There are people who I believe are truly sick- pedophiles by term- and it's bad enough that these people know how to manipulate and put themselves in the perfect position to abuse children.  It happens in lots of places, more often than is ever reported.  Add in the cover up that has occurred within the church, it's disgusting to me and unforgivable.  What do I do with that?

I went to Catholic school, I worked in the rectory...I never experienced or witnessed inappropriate behavior by a priest.  I was always more afraid of the nuns- they scared me when I was in grade school!  So my personal experience does not jive with the rampant abuse that has taken place. But it has been shown that these abuses have taken place.  The close to home reference occurred this week when a local Monsignor was indicted for being part of the cover up...HORRIBLE!

So do I jump ship because of that?  It's a HUGE thing for me, not easy at all.  I find myself at a loss.  Am I supporting the abuse or excusing it somehow by staying involved as a Catholic?  If I choose a different Christian denomination, can I be certain that my children aren't vulnerable to abuse in another church-based situation.  On a more personal note that I will only allude to- I am all too aware that abuse can take place anywhere, even in your own home with a family or close friend of family.  It can happen ANYWHERE...avoiding the Catholic church doesn't promise any security. But if I continue to practice this religion, am I somehow condoning what has happened?

I getting myself into a tailspin here but these thoughts have been swirling around in my mind.  Especially since we are considering sending Michael to Catholic school (if we can get financial aid).  Our local public school leaves us with some important educational concerns.  Mike and I are hoping that we will be led to the right decision somehow.

The school situation has prompted me into all of this thought and in general, about the weight of the decisions that we make as parents & the impact these decisions can have on our kids.  It makes dealing with tantrums, whining and naps seem like child's play.

If you read all of this, thanks for taking the time to stick with me...if you have any thoughts, feel free to share! This post feels incomplete to me and it should...I'm not done thinking of all of this through.