Heavy Heart

I've got so much on my mind.  But the only thing on my mind that's "mine" is our current spiral into another episode of scary financial territory.  Someday, maybe I will describe some of the background that has led to our financial ruin.  I'm never sure how much to share about that, how much I am comfortable sharing.  For now, let's just say that unless some funds come in soon, we are going to be completely screwed.

Our money woes aren't even at the top of my list these days.  I have several good friends with serious struggles- in areas much more important than money.  Not wanting to say too much about other people's business, I'll give you only a sketch.  None of these friends read here but still, better safe than sorry.  Just because I'm a mostly an open book doesn't mean anyone else needs to be.

One of my friends is in the process of adopting two foster children and is going through so much because the kids backgrounds are COMPLICATED and I feel for her.  I have no idea what it would be like to have two children dropped at my house one day.  They have lived 10 lives in only a few years and I wouldn't even have the full back story because no adult has been consistent in their lives.  Imagine that for a minute.  She is doing such a great job but like all parents who doubt themselves, I can tell she just wants to do better for them.  It's going to take time to build trust, for them to feel safe...all the things that a child automatically has for their parents when they are lucky enough to have good ones!  I admire her so much and hope to just be her friend through this and help her in any way I can.

Another friend just emailed me about some unexplained health issues she is having.  Ugh!  I am praying that tests and doctors can help put the pieces together and give her an answer...and treatment options.

Another friend is struggling through fertility issues and because she knows I've never struggled with that, I know she doesn't think of me as her best resource.  I just want to listen, to offer support and encouragement and hopefully not say anything stupid.  Despite my very best intentions, I'm afraid that I could do that.

Another friend- and this one honestly weighs most heavily on my heart- might be faced with a life or death type of decision.  I am just praying that the next test/tests reveal that all the worry was for nothing.  Or at least that the situation isn't as dire as it seems.  I would really like to lay this all out but it's not my place to do that.  She has asked me the question, "What would you do if it were you?"  And I answered honestly, as best I could.  But it's a situation where there is a series of decision points and it's hard for me to know what I would do once it hits a certain point of seriousness.  I am again just trying to be a good listener, a good friend and hope to give her some feeling of love and support during this difficult time.  While I can cry at the drop of a hat over something silly, I don't often cry when you would normally expect to (funerals for example).  I don't know why- it isn't that I don't feel sad, it's just my reaction I guess.  But when my friend told me about this situation, I cried with her.

I wish I had a magic wand.  I wish that love alone could change all of these things for the better.  But it takes more than that.  These are the times when I hope my friendship gives the other person at least some feeling of comfort.  I know I can't change it but maybe just being present is enough for the moment.