I'm quite certain that I haven't done THIS amount of thinking/analyzing/pondering in at least 4 years. I feel like all of the sudden, there is always something being mulled over in the back of my mind. Some is serious stuff as mentioned in my last post. Some is not crisis-oriented. For example...
For maybe a month, my thoughts have been flirting with the idea of a 4th baby. Just a casual flirtation. For me, the desire to have a child doesn't come from any logical place. The thought doesn't start with consideration about space in the house, funds in the bank account or how we can all survive with only one bathroom. It begins someplace different. I started to worry when this thought kept lingering, because I had previously been feeling "done" and complete as a family of five. The thought was lingering a bit too long--I was starting to wonder if I needed to think about it for real. I had even talked it over briefly with Mike (who would have a family of 4 or more but is also happy with our family as it is today).
Then last night, after I laid Chloe in her crib to settle, I sat in the glider in her room as I usually do. I listened to her babble to herself and roll around, finding just the right spot to curl up (tummy sleeper by choice) with her legs tucked under her and her butt in the air. As I sat there, I was suddenly struck by the feeling of completeness. I thought about the idea of never going through another pregnancy, never carrying another baby, feeling the movement, giving birth. I put my hand on my belly and I felt peace with that idea. My body has done a phenomenal job and it will always have the purpose of nurturing my three little wonders. I don't have to lose that feeling, that purpose, in the absence of a plan for another pregnancy. Simply put- It felt right.
2 comments:
It's so hard to decide for good that you're done. 99% of the time I feel like my family is complete, but every once in a while that thought comes in my mind... what if we had one more? It's hard to know.
You know we sort of had the family-size thing decided for us because of the way my pregnancy/birth experience went with Michael. BUT I have less and less sadness about our family of only four as time passes. The part of me that wants another baby grows a little less intense/large with each month.
This blogging community has helped me realize how much some people struggle with the decision/ability to add to families large and small. To feel contented with your family size, to have a sense that it might be just right the way it is, I think that is a pretty awesome thing.
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