I seem to have more questions than answers lately. Yesterday's post was not looking for a problem but just trying to decide if there is one or if this is just all part of childhood development.
Sometimes writing things out helps you figure out the answer to your own question. I know it's hard to comment/give advice when you don't know a situation first hand. But this topic has come up for me several times in bloggyland and in live conversations often enough. So I have to say that the behavior stuff is concerning enough that I keep questioning it.
There isn't a discernible pattern and the problems are primarily with us. I keep trying to figure out if we (Mike and I) are somehow inadvertently feeding the very problems that we are trying to resolve. A very hard task when you are the parent.
In the world of parenting tactics, I need to change some of mine. But knowing this and actually putting it into practice in the moment are two very different things. So while I am trying to improve my own methods, I also continue to have concerns for Michael. And thanks to Emily for reminding me of the very important question: How much do the behaviors inhibit daily life/daily activities? The answer to that question varies widely. The answer to that question varies between home and school. School=angelic. Home=not-so-much.
In the midst of tantrums and back-talk and opposition and power struggles, one thing has been blessedly absent from the mix: physical aggression. Yesterday that changed and it kind of rocked my world. Don't get me wrong, Michael and Liam hit/push/etc. but it looks to me like 'normal' and no one is ever hurt beyond the moment. Both boys are also super-kind to Chloe. The worst that has happened is taking a toy from her or getting too rough (not mean-spirited). Yesterday, Michael was in the midst of gearing up for a tantrum of some sort- he was sitting on the sofa and Chloe was walking around and ended up standing in front of him. He took his foot and pushed her in the chest. She fell back and started to cry. I was sitting right there.
Let me tell you, in the immediate moment, I thought he had actually kicked her. It caught me so off guard, I screamed "oh my God" and sent him straight to his room. And Michael must have realized it was really bad b/c he started to cry and went up without protest (that never happens anymore). I checked Chloe over while reassuring her and giving her kisses. There was no mark on her chest and she stopped crying fairly quickly. No bruising or anything today. So the bottom line is that I probably misread what happened. A push is different than a kick. But in that moment, it looked like a kick--a kick implies force and intent to me.
I think what really happened is that Michael impulsively pushed her (without much force) but Chloe is easy to knock off-balance. I don't think he was upset with her or even trying to hurt her. I think he just kind of did it. So it wasn't what it seemed.
But it started me on a course of worry again, about what could develop if I don't make some changes and figure out a plan.
Bottom line: If I have the same concerns in a month, I am going to pursue some sort of formal help. Not sure what direction that will go but I have the month to weigh out options. Unless something crazy happens, that's the plan.
4 comments:
I know what you mean being concerned about physical aggression, but if it's only a "once in a while" thing, then it may be just that. I also think it's a really good sign that he immediately knew it was bad and was able to control himself and go to his room without protest. I woulld think that if he were out of control, he wouldn't have even been able to calm down in response to your rebuke? I think you have a good plan, to keep watching it and see what's happening in a month.
So, the Salad won't be 4 for 2 more months, but this behavior sounds like a normal day in our house. Pre schoolers are impulsive and lsck words they need to express themselves. He may see Chole as a peer now that she is walking and doesn't realize he could hurt her still. Maybe impress upon the boys she is still a baby?
Props to you for a calm reaction.
As for tantrums, man do we have them. Matty mostly and they last for a long long long time. And then I lose patience and the day continues on a downward spiral. I need to change my reaction and his will improve, but it is so hard in the moment.
wow! never a dull moment ;) I haven't weighed in much only b/c I don't have a clue what I'm doing, and certainly not with an OLDER child... so ??? but I do give you props for being aware and questioning (not making excuses) and having a plan (a month is great b/c it's after the holidays and don't all kids get a little screwy in the season anyway?) adn DOUBLE props for being so calm.
Yes, I totally stole A's phrase :)
Ah friends, I shouldn't misrepresent myself...I yelled at him but my concern was first for Chloe and to insure she was okay. I just had to get Michael out of the room so I focus on her.
A- Impulsive yes but the thing that kills me about Michael is that he does have a good grasp of language & he CAN express his feelings in words...but maybe like the rest of us, it is sometimes hard in the heat of the moment?
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