Have you ever explained to your child what a funeral is? Did you include the part about the burial?
I was okay with my recent explanation to Michael until I got to the part about the cemetery. I just minimized it without any mention of being buried in the ground. I listened to my words as I spoke them and imagined how they would be interpreted by his ears.
If you were 4, would you be freaked out to know that one day when you die, you get closed up in a box and buried in a hole in the ground? And it's not like cremation offers a less horrific option. I did not have a comforting way to explain this.
This all came up because we had to use a different area of the preschool parking lot last week. The boys' preschool is part of a local church and they have a small cemetery right next to it. It doesn't even look like a cemetery because there are no headstones. I'm assuming there are grave markers of some sort but I've never looked close enough. I didn't even know it was there until last week to be perfectly honest! Anyway, last Wednesday there was an afternoon funeral scheduled.
I think the teachers gave the kids some very basic information about why they would be using a different door to leave the school for dismissal. Michael asked me what a funeral is on our ride home. I explained to him that you have a funeral when someone dies (we've talked on some level about death a few times). So he understands as much as he can at 4 years old. I told him the funeral was pretty much like when we go to church except that you pray especially for the person who died and for their family. All I said about the cemetery part is that you go outside and pray more. I just didn't think I needed to tell him about burials, etc. in excruciating detail.
It makes me realize that there are going to be many things that Mike and I will be responsible to explain. Some will not have easy explanations. This one little moment let me see that out of all the things we tell ourselves as adults in order to be comforted, there are very few of them that are comforting or even clear to a child.
In this instance, Michael was satisfied with my answer. Sadly, there will be a day when we need to talk about the harder facts. I was thankful that Wednesday was not that day.
4 comments:
We have talked about this some because we live about two blocks from a HUGE cemetery (we go walking in it sometimes) and drive past it nearly daily. I don't think this becomes really real for kids until they are a little older or until it is brought closer by someone they know...
I've brought my boys to a wake and a funeral, but Emmett was definitely too young to remember and Calum only seemed to remember for a while (a year or so).
We are very honest with our children about death, and that everything dies in time, but we also take their lead on what they are ready to know. We'll answer questions honestly, the best we can, but we won't give them details they're not searching for. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Regardless, you are right. It's one of the hardest topics.
We pass St. Peter and Pauls every day and often visit Ron's mom, who is buried there. I had this experience with them.
http://fruitsaladchronicles.blogspot.com/2010/10/god-is-where.html
It made me really nervous for what's to come :(
Katy became interested in death last Easter when she learned about Christ's death and resurrection at church. She started asking a lot of questions and still does on a regular basis. She talks about it very matter of factly. Of course your answer depends, too, on what you are teaching your children spiritually. I told her that the cemetary is where we leave the part of us that stays here while the other part goes to heaven.
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