Intent

You know how you feel when you find yourself in an argument or a disagreement and you are just SO fired up about it?  Maybe someone has wronged you or hurt your feelings or just kind of been an asshat in one way or another...

Whatever the cause, you are pissed.  You can't wait to have it out with that person--make sure that your voice is heard - make sure that your very valid points are stated.  Most important of all?  Make sure it's known that you are right.

A couple of months ago, I found myself in this position. I briefly wrote about it here.  Words had already been exchanged- there was no mutual understanding.  I was worked up into a frenzy...a confrontation was going to happen (verbal not physical, that's not how I roll).  I phoned the person one evening, they (luckily) did not answer.  As it turned out, we didn't get the chance to talk until the next afternoon.

In the meantime of waiting for my call back, my anger had subsided.  In the midst of rethinking my points, practicing my speech if you will, something changed. 

You see, the original words I had in mind weren't going to lead to a desirable outcome.  They were most likely going to spark further arguing, drive a bigger wedge into the split that was already there.  The original problem was noteworthy but not epic.  But as you know, an ongoing argument develops a momentum of it's own.  Older wounds always somehow get thrown into the mix.  Pretty soon, you don't even know what you are fighting about (or for).

So what changed?  By some small grace, I did.

My attitude changed completely, thanks to one thought. I asked myself, "What do I want to get out of this conversation?"  And as soon as I had that answer in my heart, I knew that all the points I had been dying to make were irrelevant.  None of it truly mattered.  It was time to just let it go and move forward.

So when the conversation finally happened, it was still hard & it still took some doing to figure things out.  But I started my end of it by telling the other person what I was hoping to get out of the conversation: resolution, peace, closure.  I kept that in the front of my mind the whole time.

And it worked, it was easier to avoid being baited...easier to leave some points in the 'agree to disagree' bucket.

I wish I could do that all the time.  Think before speaking, not let the heat of the moment dictate my words and actions.  Some circumstances warrant that you stand up for yourself.  But more often, little things fester when they could be over before they even start.

That same thought has saved me a few times during "discussions" with Mike.  I keep my purpose clear and everything else falls into place.

If only I could just take that last sentence and live it ALL the time...

This picture has nothing to do with anything.
Well, except for these 3 people for whom
I should be keeping my purpose clear.