Hibernation

I love my snooze button.  I always have.  Even though I don't necessarily need to set an artificial alarm these days, I still do.  Because every so often, those little ones decide to sleep in a bit.  And we have kindergarten and preschool and appointments and other various obligations.  Sleeping in isn't always an option.

When Mike is home in the mornings, he generally gets up first and takes care of breakfast for the kids.  It's lovely.  I stay in bed, dozing off, sometimes actually going back to full-on sleep.  I stay there longer than I should.  Not because I don't want to join the chaos (okay, sometimes I really don't want to). It's just that sometimes it's easier to remain in the sleepy state of no cares, no worries, no rushing around.

Right now, I feel like I am finally waking up after a long sleep.
In many ways, I suppose.  It's funny how much easier it is to just keep sleeping.
Of course, it's also much messier in the long run because we all know what happens when you let things slide for too long.

For all the time I spend worrying over this or that, so many times I am focused on all the wrong things. It's amazing how avoidant I can be.  It's like, a talent of mine.  A useless one.  I can ignore and forget and replace and skip and make excuses with an ease that is unsettling.

Then one day, the writing is on the wall.  And I have to look at it and realize what I've been missing while I'm busy living in the in between.

Change is hard.
A simple intention is a nice place to start but it doesn't necessarily effect change.

Recently, I've been starting my days with certain intentions in mind.  And it's so disheartening when, not ten minutes into the day, all those ambitions vanish into the thin air of reality.
Failure is swift.  I feel so powerless and that feeling sets the tone for my day.  Self-fulfilling prophecies are no joke.

I don't even know what I am referencing here-
I just started writing and here I am.
The feeling is real though it's not depression.
But it is a sense of  helplessness- and it's time to figure that out.
Time to work it out.

Writing has been lost to me for so long now.
Just another thing I've accepted.
Why?

I feel, I hope, that my time in the waiting room is over.
Maybe I needed a little break but I've stayed far too long.

The Feelings Post

I am feeling...

...mixed feelings about the holidays.  It's a bit of a break not having to shop- the only upside of financial troubles. My mom is giving us a little loan so we can take care of kid gifts.  Luckily, we will be able to repay her in March.  Part of me feels guilty about this not being a super-gifty Christmas.  Another part of me feels kind of refreshed by it...no crazy shopping lists or worries about making time for it all.  That side of it is definitely a positive.

...the need to work on being positive.  One of the reasons why I stepped back from this blog was that I was getting overwhelmed by my own negativity.  It was dragging me down and writing was bringing out the worst in me for some reason.  I am still a work in progress but am in a better mindset at this point.  Thank goodness!

...frustrated by my job search.  I have a prospect right now that I am hoping will finally come through.  My perfect job solution would be to watch another child or baby in our home.  But that opportunity has not yet presented itself so until then, I'm working on other options.

...worried about Liam having yet another ear infection.  He denies pain but his ears start to look a bit waxy/goopy whenever he is brewing an infection--he also has a killer pain tolerance so lack of pain or a fever mean nothing.  I think we might just take a trip to the doctor tomorrow to check it out.

...ready to get some holiday baking done.  Cookies are in order once school is on break.  Can you believe the boys have TWO weeks off? This Friday is the last school day before the break.  I'm already trolling for play dates with friends.

...jealous of people who have newborns or are currently pregnant.  I'm not sure it is a reflection of any desire to have another baby.  I think I'd just like to feel like it would be okay to be thinking about another baby.  Our financial situation makes it seem irresponsible in my mind.  I don't like to think about a new life in terms of dollars and cents.  I think my jealousy in more related to wanting to be in a good place.

...happy that Michael and Liam are singing in the children's choir at our church on Christmas Eve.  They have been to 3 practices- this last one the practiced in the choir loft--the boys loved that part!  One more rehearsal and then it will be game time.  I can't wait to hear all those lovely little voices.

...upset by some recent news that our archdiocese (Philadelphia) is going to be closing some churches and schools.  Apparently my home parish is on the chopping block (which makes the above excitement a bit bittersweet-this could be our last Christmas in this parish).  I have such a history with this church- this is where I went to "Sunday school", elementary school, all my sacraments received here, married here, all 3 kids baptized here.  It makes me sad!  Our church is not only beautiful in it's appearance but we always feel welcome there- no matter how loud our children are during mass!  It's a truly warm and wonderful feeling and I hope we can find it at one of the other local parishes.

...excited about helping out with a holiday breakfast at Michael's school tomorrow.  I get to take a little glimpse into his world!

....tired! And my tailbone still hurts.  Luckily it does not interfere with my ability to sleep.

On that note....sweet dreams!

Intent

You know how you feel when you find yourself in an argument or a disagreement and you are just SO fired up about it?  Maybe someone has wronged you or hurt your feelings or just kind of been an asshat in one way or another...

Whatever the cause, you are pissed.  You can't wait to have it out with that person--make sure that your voice is heard - make sure that your very valid points are stated.  Most important of all?  Make sure it's known that you are right.

A couple of months ago, I found myself in this position. I briefly wrote about it here.  Words had already been exchanged- there was no mutual understanding.  I was worked up into a frenzy...a confrontation was going to happen (verbal not physical, that's not how I roll).  I phoned the person one evening, they (luckily) did not answer.  As it turned out, we didn't get the chance to talk until the next afternoon.

In the meantime of waiting for my call back, my anger had subsided.  In the midst of rethinking my points, practicing my speech if you will, something changed. 

You see, the original words I had in mind weren't going to lead to a desirable outcome.  They were most likely going to spark further arguing, drive a bigger wedge into the split that was already there.  The original problem was noteworthy but not epic.  But as you know, an ongoing argument develops a momentum of it's own.  Older wounds always somehow get thrown into the mix.  Pretty soon, you don't even know what you are fighting about (or for).

So what changed?  By some small grace, I did.

My attitude changed completely, thanks to one thought. I asked myself, "What do I want to get out of this conversation?"  And as soon as I had that answer in my heart, I knew that all the points I had been dying to make were irrelevant.  None of it truly mattered.  It was time to just let it go and move forward.

So when the conversation finally happened, it was still hard & it still took some doing to figure things out.  But I started my end of it by telling the other person what I was hoping to get out of the conversation: resolution, peace, closure.  I kept that in the front of my mind the whole time.

And it worked, it was easier to avoid being baited...easier to leave some points in the 'agree to disagree' bucket.

I wish I could do that all the time.  Think before speaking, not let the heat of the moment dictate my words and actions.  Some circumstances warrant that you stand up for yourself.  But more often, little things fester when they could be over before they even start.

That same thought has saved me a few times during "discussions" with Mike.  I keep my purpose clear and everything else falls into place.

If only I could just take that last sentence and live it ALL the time...

This picture has nothing to do with anything.
Well, except for these 3 people for whom
I should be keeping my purpose clear.

Take a long walk off a short bridge

Lately, I've noticed that lots of people are taking on a snippy/snarky type of tone without necessarily being provoked.  Some of these people are family members.

I'm trying really, really hard not to respond in kind.

Some days, it's really, really, really hard not to tell those people where they can go.

Passive aggressive responses can be fun but those responses leave me feeling dissatisfied and immature.

I found these two quotes tonight, while I was simmering about an aggravating situation and struggling to avoid involvement.  So far, I've succeeded in keeping my mouth shut.  I hope I can continue that!

Anyway, the two quotes are from Richard Carlson (author of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff books)

"Choose to be kind over being right and you'll be right every time"

and

"You are what you practice most"

Inspired

I am home alone right now.  Michael is on a school field trip with Mike.  Liam is at preschool.  Chloe is with Grammy and Poppy.  It's very rare and a little creepy to be home alone.  But it's lovely too.

I had great plans to mop the kitchen floor and start cleaning up our back porch.  But on the drive back from preschool drop off, I stopped to get coffee and a breakfast sandwich because in the midst of morning chaos, I didn't eat anything.  When I got home, I decided to enjoy my food instead of rushing through it.  I had the sense of time slowing down.  I looked at a Kmart ad, watched a few mindless minutes of the Today show & then checked to see if there were any new blog posts to read before beginning my chores.

I read Kelsey's post...and it stopped me in my tracks.  I had to take a minute and let it sink in.  I don't know if she realized how powerful that post would turn out to be.  But as I told her in my comments, it fit right into my heart today.

I'm going to go get those few chores now done because they do need to be taken care of and I can do them quickly with no littles in the house.  But that post inspired me to take a moment and write this down:

I need to look beyond the stress we are facing right now.  I need to reconnect with my children, Mike, our family and not allow my perspective to be taken over by money troubles.  And I've definitely been consumed by those troubles.

At least for a little while, I'm taking a deep breath and refocusing my energy.  We've got so many fun plans for this beautiful fall weekend.  I'm not going to miss a minute of it!!

Reasons Why I Need a Facebook Break

I am have been contemplating taking a break from Facebook.  I know it's supposed to just be fun, social-networking-type stuff BUT...Lately it's just too heavy for me over there.  I find out way too much information that I don't necessarily need to know.  So with Lent beginning this Wednesday, I figure now is as good of a time as any to give it up for a while.  I don't plan on giving up bloggy-land b/c over in these parts, it's still fun, it's still uplifting and I would miss reading the blogs that I follow.

Here are my reasons (recent Facebook incidents & just general reasons) that have led me to this decision:

1.  A family issue blasted all over FB by one indiscreet party.  It involved my niece who is kind of a hot mess right now... and I tried SO hard to stay out of it.  But I couldn't stay completely out of it.  If I wasn't on FB, I would have heard about it eventually but wouldn't have been drawn into the fray.  I should be more mature than that but it just sucked me right in, I admit it.  I don't want to do that...it's time for some space.

2.  One of my FB friends posts alot of information about how crappy our food supply is...things about toxins....scary vaccine information...all things that I should be aware of as a parent, right?  But when there are no real answers/alternatives, how can I be consumed by anxiety??  The most recent one pointed to a website that states that many vaccines are made from the tissue of aborted fetuses....the website looks legit.  But what the heck do I do about that?  I mean, I can protest, write to my representatives, etc.  But I still have to get my kids vaccinated at some point and how soon is this going to change?  See, I'm all worked up just writing about it!!!  I want to be aware and make good choices--but what the heck do I do when there are no perfect choices??  It makes me feel helpless!

3.  The constant OVERLOAD of personal information.  I know I share alot on this blog...but anyone who reads here CHOOSES to read here, it isn't forced.  FB is just overwhelming sometimes.

4.  The TIMESUCK!  I spend time reading and commenting on the blogs I like but at this point, I have my regular reads & I don't typically go searching for new blogs unless I really have time on my hands in the evenings.

So in the interest of freeing up time to play with the kids and also to reduce my anxiety level, FB will not be in my life until Easter--if I even decide to go back!

Psyching Myself Out

I have a vivid imagination. I imagine that I can do EVERYTHING that needs to be done, ALL of the time and that I can do it PERFECTLY.
I can make sure everyone is clothed, fed, engaged, active, comforted, clean, rested, happy, and healthy...every day, all of the time.
I can also make sure the house is organized, decluttered, baby proofed, inviting, and free of excessive dust...every day, all of the time.
In my mind, I plan ways to make this happen. I try to see how far I can stretch myself. I have lists, supplies, and the most essential ingredient- caffeine.

And somehow, at the end of every day, I have to look in the mirror and accept reality. I am in fact, NOT superwoman. And children need stuff all.day.long. I can't do everything--in fact, if I cross one thing off a list of ten, that's the measure of success. If I managed to do just one fun activity with the kids, that's amazing. If I only have the dinner dishes to take care of at night, that represents a good day. If the toys aren't totally taking over the living room, that works for me. If I can take a few moments to read blogs/email/facebook, I am happy for that indulgence.

Despite the lowering of standards, I often feel a bit defeated at the end of each day...there are too many "you should haves" playing out in my mind. I often compare myself to my friends (including bloggy friends!). Friends who seem to have all of this figured out. I never feel like I measure up.

I can write some of this out this week because I'm not feeling the defeat quite so much right now. Things are kind of perking along nicely right now...this week feels like everyone is settled into life as a family of five. For this moment, I am grateful. I trust moments like these to remind me that no one is perfect and that I am doing just fine.

When I started out with this post a few days ago, I had a point in mind. I've lost that point along the way. Maybe it was a reminder to not compare myself too harshly with others--because they might have struggles I am not aware of. Maybe it was me wondering if I am my own worst enemy because I do tend to psych myself out by focusing only on the things that aren't going right.

Although it has become a bit muddled, I am leaving it. Because it might be comforting to read on a rough day....because even if something isn't perfect, it might just be good enough...

Philosophy

My major in college was psychology. In addition to major-related courses, at my college you had to take various other courses including an Intro to Philosophy course and then one additional philosophy course after that (remember when 'liberal arts' colleges were a big deal?).

Anyway, I absolutely LOVED my philosophy professor. Dr. Kerr was wacky and disheveled and an amazing teacher. He was married with two or three young children at the time and we used to laugh and wonder about what he was like as a dad. Like, if his kids asked him a basic little kid question, did he answer it as a father or did he ramble on & question the reality of a blue sky or the existential crisis of the goldfish? All that aside, he was a truly gifted teacher and I feel fortunate to have known him.

I especially loved learning about logic and argument- so much so that I chose a course specific to that as my elective philosophy course. To this day, any ability I have to take down another person's argument (usually Mike's-haha) is directly related to things I learned from that professor. Those courses taught me the mechanics of thinking. I loved philosophy so much, I almost changed my major...

Philosophy somehow managed to simultaneously make me more aware of others/the world around me and also more self-absorbed/introspective. I think that philosophy class was especially appealing to me at that time because I was trying to figure out my life and I wanted it to have a deeper meaning. Aside from writing papers, studying, and preparing for the future, I was also going through the ups and downs of friendships, relationships, etc. I was learning how to navigate my way in the world. I remember feeling like I had so much angst at the time & learning about different philosophies helped me manage some of the drama that was an intricate part of my daily life at the time. If I only I realized at the time how easy I had it!

These days I can't say I spend much time pondering my place in the world or the meaning of life or any particularly deep thought.

This could be a bad thing because it could be that I am simply cruising along at the surface and not extracting any meaning out of my life. And one day I will realize this and have my own existential crisis. Oh No! Or...

It could be a good thing because it could be that I am living my life so passionately that there is meaning woven into each day. It could be that meaning is so apparent in my daily life, that I don't have to go searching around for it in the dark corners of my subconscious mind. I don't need to spend so much time just thinking.


While it is my husband and children who keep me from having more time to think on that deeper level, they are also the reasons why I don't have to invest so much time and energy into finding meaning in my life. Along with other family and our friends, they inject my life with meaning and purpose every single day.

I am certain that I am usually absorbed in the happenings of my own family. I don't always focus on the bigger picture and that's an area that I can work on. But in this moment, I think my focus and energy are placed exactly where they should be. Right now, the three little children that I have the pleasure of spending each day with demand that I give them everything that I have to offer. And they deserve it!


Being a parent has probably made me more of a realist than I ever was in the past. It has caused me to abandon more fatalistic ways of thinking. No matter what the reasons, Life has ups and downs for all of us. So called "karma" does not apply itself consistently.

But I still like to hold on to a dreamy quality in my thoughts. You know what I mean... The part that allows you to envision a time when you will once again sleep through the night, eat a meal uninterrupted or finish a conversation with your spouse without hearing the words "Hey Mommy..." More importantly, the part that you tap into when you imagine what the future holds for your precious offspring. How will your role as a parent evolve over time? What will Michael think about Geometry class? What it will be like teaching Liam to drive? Will Chloe end up playing a particular sport? The answers to these questions will come, each in their own good time.

I wonder what kind of people my children will turn out to be. I know I already have a sense of each their personalities and see how it affects the way they interact with the world. My hope is that they will be happy, healthy people who bring a little good into the world along the way. My hope is that they will each always have a strong sense of self and that will help them navigate the world with confidence.

Oh and I hope that one of them will invite Mike & I to live with them when (God-willing) we are too old to live independently because I am secretly terrified by the thought of living in a nursing home... I think if your children volunteer to live with you again even when it is no longer required, that is the true mark of good parenting ;)

I'm thinking...

...that my boys are getting too big, too fast.

...that I would love to add 1.5 more hours to the day-it would make a world of difference.

...that I love feeling this new little life make his/her presence known, the movements getting stronger every day.

...that I don't focus on the here and now enough.

...that I am blessed with such a beautiful family.

...that I love spying on my boys during the day (on site daycare) to see what kind of fun they are having.

...that when I watch them, I wish I was splashing in the water or sliding down the slide with them.

...that my husband is a really good Daddy who loves and is loved so much by his children (oh and by me too!).

...that time goes by so fast, I can't always take everything in.

...that having Fridays off helps time to slow down just a bit.

...that I spend too much time worrying.

...that I waste too much time being disgruntled.

...that I hope Michael and Liam know how much I love them.

...that this new little one better be able to hang tough with two older brothers.

...how much I love Liam in the morning because he is pleasant as punch and snuggles into me with all his warmth and soft skin.

...how much I love waking up to see Michael's beautiful sleeping face (even though I wish he would sleep the night in his own bed, I savor these moments).

I'm thinking I want to bring my focus back to the things that matter and hold them close to my heart. There is so much that is good in my life- it far outweighs any downside. I want to try to put aside petty concerns and silly preoccupations.

I'm thinking about putting my thoughts into action, instead of just sitting around & thinking.

Perfection is optional

So I was just reading this post over on Giselle's blog and boy am I glad I did.
Then I commented and somewhere in there I said "Perfection is not a necessity for happiness".

Should I adopt this as my new mantra?? Rhetorical question folks because HELL yes, I should.

Mike and I had a giant heart-to-heart talk last night...That, along with some very nice comments received on my last two posts, is helping me to slowly come back to planet earth. I am a person who does not respond well to too much stress & basically I had reached my threshold and then some. Having a 3-day weekend definitely helps my mindset. I also got my hair cut/colored last night which gave me a boost because I look much less crappy. When I get overly-stressed, I always sound like I am about to jump off a cliff but it actually takes very little to bring me back to center.

My father-in-law is in town for a few days so all the boys went out this morning for some post-Birthday shopping at Toys R Us. This left me home alone for a couple hours to putter around, do a few things and relax. The boys are napping (well, one is and the other isn't but he is mostly quiet) so I am relaxing now too and we have the rest of today plus TWO more days to just do whatever we want. Sunday I am also having lunch with friends. Some much-needed girl time, along with the quality family time, should go a long way in helping me get my priorities in order. It should also help me to get out of my gloom and doom mentality and find my joy again.

That joy, by the way, is always right before my eyes...and they certainly don't need perfection from me. They just need a mommy who loves them no matter what- and I feel confident saying that I totally have that part covered.

Happy Friday Friends!!

Complaint Dept. (Located next to gratitude)

When life is rocky (not life-or-death rocky but just persistently annoying), I sort of enjoy complaining about whatever is going wrong. But then I feel guilty for complaining about whatever it is and I try to make up for my gripe-fest in a variety of ways (reminding myself that it could be worse, that I am really lucky, that it isn't life or death).

It's as if I'm worried that complaining about something will jinx me and I will lose that something because I wasn't grateful for it.

For example: Michael decides to compete for the title of "Most Tantrums Thrown In An Eight Minute Period" and I complain about what a pain in my arse it was...but then I get all freaked out like "But I love my Michael- He's so awesome- He's perfect- I can't imagine my life without him" etc. etc. And in reality, all the feelings are true and valid: I DO love Michael and sometimes his behavior DOES make me feel insane. Such is life with children, right?

I think it's time for me to realize that I am allowed to feel a normal range of human emotions: happy, sad, angry, disappointed, annoyed, bored, overwhelmed, the list goes on... and I don't have to impose guilt on myself for moments of weakness.

It's okay for me to feel however I feel at any given moment. And a bad moment doesn't mean that I don't realize the good in my life- it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it...It just means that life is crazy sometimes and you deal with it, get thru it and live for those little moments when all is right with the world.

And lately I really do LIVE for those moments. The pessimist in me needs a daily reminder that the good stuff from the day deserves the same attention/energy as whatever went wrong with the day. Because you will pretty much always have both on any given day.

This is about to get random so let's see if I can sum this up...
1.You are allowed to complain and everyone has bad moments.
2.Complaining about something doesn't negate your gratitude for it.
3.Just because you complain doesn't mean that you aren't appreciative of life's blessings. It just means you are human.

To quote Swistle's tag line "I acknowledge my luckiness, without giving up my claim to the suckiness"

If my mind weren't so cluttered, this might have been a more cohesive post.
But there you have it...