Part 1 of 2
Today was a test of patience. The kids were really working hard to wear me down to my very last nerve.
I hate the feeling I get when I realize I am rapidly running out of nerves. Because it means that I am going to start yelling...alot. It means I will feel my blood pressure rise (and I have borderline low blood pressure under standard conditions so I really feel it). I will be slapped in the face with the knowledge that I am not in control of every situation. It is not a fun experience for me.
As I type this, all 3 children are sleeping peacefully, freshly bathed, smelling of Aveeno baby wash (the bottle with the light blue cap smells AWESOME) and vanilla lotion. No one is wailing, whining or caterwauling (credit for that new vocab. word goes to Giselle!). They were exhausted which is probably why the afternoon/evening were so rough and sleep set in so quickly. Sweet relief!
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Part 2 of 2
These are the background thoughts to the idea of a forgiveness theme for the year. The two situations I am about to describe are the things that led me to this idea.
1. Almost 2 years ago, Mike's would-be business partner borrowed money from us. Mike was working for him at the time. Mike had cashed out some 401k money with the intention of using part of it to pay off one of our cars. Would-be business partner, let's call him "Joe", knew about this plan and asked to borrow some money. It was supposed to be for a couple of months. Well, as you can imagine, a couple of months became 6 months, 12 months and so on. I was really upset about this situation. Very angry in fact. Joe laid Mike off (they never became actual partners) in April of 2010. That was the start of some very bad times for us. Anyway, this is one of the areas where I've been holding on to ALOT of anger. After mostly ignoring the debt and Mike's attempts to settle it, Joe FINALLY came around a couple of months ago and a payment plan was agreed upon. So far, it's going well. Once they established that, Joe asked Mike if he would be willing to come work for him part-time here and there, whenever Joe needed extra help and Mike was available. At first I was completely against this. I thought, why would we set ourselves up again? (He also had a history of not paying Mike on time for his regular paycheck). Then one day, I began to wonder....what good is this doing us? Joe needs extra help, we need to bring in more money, Mike is willing to work for Joe part time. So we came up with the idea that as long as Joe pays Mike for the day's work on that same day, then it's a good situation for everyone. Joe agreed and it has worked out great. It's one instance where letting go of some anger and opening the door just a bit has worked out on many levels. It's nice to have some extra income but it's even nicer to be able to let that bit of the past go and move forward.
2. The other thought I had about forgiveness is related to family issues but could include other people as well. Mike is currently arguing with one of his siblings (I know, again! They are a very dramatic family.) It seems to me that whenever Mike is not on speaking terms with a sibling, the effects of that spill over to me and the kids. I am an adult, I can handle it... but my kids are innocent bystanders. I called my SIL "Mel" and specifically made sure that everything was okay between her and I (Mel said that it is). But no matter what, the kids are always impacted by this stuff because I am shut out too. And I'm even more worked up when Mike's mom puts a wall up (because she hates when her kids argue with each other). It upsets me and angers me ALOT. Sooo, that is going on right now, which is unfortunate. I'm trying really hard not to be angry with my mom-in-law. I'm struggling with it actually. Because I feel that she is in a way punishing my kids for an argument that is not their fault and that isn't right. She hasn't seen our kids since December 27th. We normally see her every week or every other week. I have maintained contact with her and with Mel. I have not seen any reciprocated efforts. I don't expect to, at least not soon. This is the area where I think I will struggle with the idea of forgiveness. Because we are all guilty at one time or another of being petty, of avoiding unpleasant situations without considering everyone involved, of holding a grudge towards the wrong person.
Added into this mix, my other sis-in-law "M" is pregnant and plans are being made for her shower. I am pretty much being left out of that process...I am certain it is because of the above mentioned situation. I certainly don't expect to be a main planner but under regular circumstances, I would be included more than I have been. I'm struggling to let things play out and see if it changes. I've already offered my help to my MIL and Mel...we'll see.
I remain hopeful about both situations. But if I am being honest, the second one has me really worried!
***Afterthought***
I must have been feeling bold when I wrote this b/c I don't usually spill so much here. Especially when I know that people I know IRL read here, at least on occassion. Well, it's the truth...so there you have it!
Showing posts with label new year word. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new year word. Show all posts
Monday, January 16, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Forgiveness
That is my word for the start of this new year.
Why? Oh I'm so glad you asked ;)
At some point in the past month, I started to realize that I've been harboring alot of bitterness and anger about the state of our lives. While I've always thought that I was doing a good job of taking responsibility for our situation, our decisions, our hardships, it turns out I've got some work to do in that area. My brain was just stewing all the time and leading to nothing but anxiety. It had become very easy for me to just feel sorry for myself.
Admitting this was/is not easy. But doing some soul-searching allows me to start from a place of honesty. And that has made a real difference.
Some how, some way, there was a moment when this awareness took my thoughts in a new direction. I started to think about forgiveness. I wondered if it might be helpful to be able to let go of some of these feelings. To make peace with what cannot be changed or undone. Make peace and make a choice to move forward in spite of hardships that just don't seem to quit.
The sense of beginning to let go has really done my heart alot of good. And hopefully, that change is having a ripple effect on my family and friends as well. I have to say, I felt an instant sense of relief (even though the full process will take some time). Maybe it's because when you start to allow yourself to forgive others and allow for the possibility of second chances, it makes it easier to give yourself those same gifts.
In terms of giving others a second chance, I'm not talking about setting us up to be taken advantage of- I think God expects us to use the brains we are blessed with. But you can be wise without being mean. You can be open and at the same time, aware.
So forgiveness is my word for 2012. I hold onto the hope that this year is a fresh start for our family. I hope that my heart can be opened to all the possibilities that life has to offer us. I hope that ridding myself of the burden of bitterness makes life a little lighter all around.
Why? Oh I'm so glad you asked ;)
At some point in the past month, I started to realize that I've been harboring alot of bitterness and anger about the state of our lives. While I've always thought that I was doing a good job of taking responsibility for our situation, our decisions, our hardships, it turns out I've got some work to do in that area. My brain was just stewing all the time and leading to nothing but anxiety. It had become very easy for me to just feel sorry for myself.
Admitting this was/is not easy. But doing some soul-searching allows me to start from a place of honesty. And that has made a real difference.
Some how, some way, there was a moment when this awareness took my thoughts in a new direction. I started to think about forgiveness. I wondered if it might be helpful to be able to let go of some of these feelings. To make peace with what cannot be changed or undone. Make peace and make a choice to move forward in spite of hardships that just don't seem to quit.
The sense of beginning to let go has really done my heart alot of good. And hopefully, that change is having a ripple effect on my family and friends as well. I have to say, I felt an instant sense of relief (even though the full process will take some time). Maybe it's because when you start to allow yourself to forgive others and allow for the possibility of second chances, it makes it easier to give yourself those same gifts.
In terms of giving others a second chance, I'm not talking about setting us up to be taken advantage of- I think God expects us to use the brains we are blessed with. But you can be wise without being mean. You can be open and at the same time, aware.
So forgiveness is my word for 2012. I hold onto the hope that this year is a fresh start for our family. I hope that my heart can be opened to all the possibilities that life has to offer us. I hope that ridding myself of the burden of bitterness makes life a little lighter all around.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Cherish
Some of my bloggy friends (MidwestMom, MoMommy) have embraced the idea of choosing a word to focus on at the start of the new year (rather than making specific resolutions). This idea appealed to me when I first read about it but I can't say that I ever whole-heartedly followed through with it myself.
After writing the last post, a word keeps popping up in my mind that might just have to be my word for 2011... and I am going to start focusing on it right now. The word is "cherish".
Recent stressors (unemployment, financial strain, tantrums coming out the yin yang) have been clouding my view...pessimism is winning. I've done nothing to counteract these clouds. And there is so much I CAN do to keep my mind and my vision clear. To keep my heart full of love. I am going to reflect on this word & try to put it into action in my everyday life. And the first place I want to start is within my own humble, little home. Cherish: my husband, my children, our lives together. And then move outward from there.
To me, cherishing is a very active form of gratitude. What better way to rebalance priorities & make the most of every moment? Cherishing the people nearest and dearest to me feels like the right place to start.
After writing the last post, a word keeps popping up in my mind that might just have to be my word for 2011... and I am going to start focusing on it right now. The word is "cherish".
Recent stressors (unemployment, financial strain, tantrums coming out the yin yang) have been clouding my view...pessimism is winning. I've done nothing to counteract these clouds. And there is so much I CAN do to keep my mind and my vision clear. To keep my heart full of love. I am going to reflect on this word & try to put it into action in my everyday life. And the first place I want to start is within my own humble, little home. Cherish: my husband, my children, our lives together. And then move outward from there.
To me, cherishing is a very active form of gratitude. What better way to rebalance priorities & make the most of every moment? Cherishing the people nearest and dearest to me feels like the right place to start.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Play will be my work...
It's very easy for me to come up with things I'd like to change about myself, especially at this time of year when it seems like everyone is making resolutions.
One thing I'd like to do for myself is start running...I've thought about it for a while now & I think this is the year I will finally start. I definitely need to wait until the weather is a little less frigid because I know I will be discouraged if I start during my least favorite weather. And I don't have a gym membership or a treadmill at this point, so I will choose a more comfortable time of year in the hopes of increasing my chances of success. I will keep you posted if/when I get started on this & let you know how it goes. I will asking my brother, my friend Emily and my friend MoMommy for advice, since they are all avid runners.
On another note: something else I'd like to do just occurred to me recently and it is related to my life as a Mommy. Because we are suddenly at home all day and the weather that is not infant-friendly for outdoor play, this has come to my attention in a big way. Let me start by saying that I consider myself to be very connected to my children and I think I am a good parent overall. But there is one area where I feel that I have missed the mark: I don't really play with my kids.
This might sound terrible but please don't misunderstand. I don't ignore them by any means. We do play some games, they often want to help with household tasks, we laugh alot & there is lots of cuddling throughout the day.
But when it comes to getting down on the floor, getting out a bunch of toys, and just playing...like the less structured, more imaginative type of play, it just doesn't happen in the way I would like it to. I tend to focus more on trying to complete just one more chore instead of joining the boys in their activity.
While I want them to be able to entertain themselves (and the do a great job with that on most days), that doesn't mean that I should be completely absent. They will often ask me to join them and far too often, I defer to a later time and that later time never comes. That sounds just awful, doesn't it?
So my #1 resolution (if we want to call it that), is to play with the kids more...and to prioritize that over doing one more load of laundry or dusting or whatever seems so important to me at the time. My housework is never really complete anyway, so there's nothing to lose there! To take a page from MoMommy's book, I actually would like to make this more of a mindset.
When I am stressed, I tend to have a heavy heart & become very serious, which isn't the best way to live--so I'd like to adopt a more playful attitude in general. I do believe that personality is something that is an innate part of who you are as a person- and I am definitely someone who is easily stressed. I also believe that you can choose to tap into different parts of your personality. When I used to babysit as a teenager, kids generally loved me because I would play with them--whatever game or activity they wanted and I actually enjoyed regressing to age 6 and really getting into their play. I wasn't the type to be chatting on the phone with a boyfriend or whatever.
I will be blogging about this goal for sure- January is my "get it together" month and then February is the true start time. And my hope is that aside from spending this lovely at home time with my littles in a more meaningful way, my soul will reap some benefits from this subtle but important shift in priorities and attitude. Wish me luck!!!
One thing I'd like to do for myself is start running...I've thought about it for a while now & I think this is the year I will finally start. I definitely need to wait until the weather is a little less frigid because I know I will be discouraged if I start during my least favorite weather. And I don't have a gym membership or a treadmill at this point, so I will choose a more comfortable time of year in the hopes of increasing my chances of success. I will keep you posted if/when I get started on this & let you know how it goes. I will asking my brother, my friend Emily and my friend MoMommy for advice, since they are all avid runners.
On another note: something else I'd like to do just occurred to me recently and it is related to my life as a Mommy. Because we are suddenly at home all day and the weather that is not infant-friendly for outdoor play, this has come to my attention in a big way. Let me start by saying that I consider myself to be very connected to my children and I think I am a good parent overall. But there is one area where I feel that I have missed the mark: I don't really play with my kids.
This might sound terrible but please don't misunderstand. I don't ignore them by any means. We do play some games, they often want to help with household tasks, we laugh alot & there is lots of cuddling throughout the day.
But when it comes to getting down on the floor, getting out a bunch of toys, and just playing...like the less structured, more imaginative type of play, it just doesn't happen in the way I would like it to. I tend to focus more on trying to complete just one more chore instead of joining the boys in their activity.
While I want them to be able to entertain themselves (and the do a great job with that on most days), that doesn't mean that I should be completely absent. They will often ask me to join them and far too often, I defer to a later time and that later time never comes. That sounds just awful, doesn't it?
So my #1 resolution (if we want to call it that), is to play with the kids more...and to prioritize that over doing one more load of laundry or dusting or whatever seems so important to me at the time. My housework is never really complete anyway, so there's nothing to lose there! To take a page from MoMommy's book, I actually would like to make this more of a mindset.
When I am stressed, I tend to have a heavy heart & become very serious, which isn't the best way to live--so I'd like to adopt a more playful attitude in general. I do believe that personality is something that is an innate part of who you are as a person- and I am definitely someone who is easily stressed. I also believe that you can choose to tap into different parts of your personality. When I used to babysit as a teenager, kids generally loved me because I would play with them--whatever game or activity they wanted and I actually enjoyed regressing to age 6 and really getting into their play. I wasn't the type to be chatting on the phone with a boyfriend or whatever.
I will be blogging about this goal for sure- January is my "get it together" month and then February is the true start time. And my hope is that aside from spending this lovely at home time with my littles in a more meaningful way, my soul will reap some benefits from this subtle but important shift in priorities and attitude. Wish me luck!!!
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