Frustration Update

Bullets:

• Offer letter received and orientation scheduled for the 26th

• When I accepted the job (verbally) after learning of the lower per hour rate, the supervisor said he would work with me to keep my caseload closer to home.  The first 2 cases he has mentioned to me are in the area that are at the bottom of my list in terms of travel- and he knows this...we discussed it.

• Even though my gut is still telling me that this is going to be a nightmare, I'm going forward with it anyway because I don't currently have any other prospects.

• I would love nothing more than for my gut instinct to be completely wrong.

Frustrated/Advice Requested

So I got this job offer, right?  Except...I haven't received the "official offer letter" in the mail yet.
My interview was LAST Tuesday...I've already sent for and received an official copy of my transcript from my grad school.  And I just sent that on Sunday and already got what I needed today.

The offer letter was supposedly mailed out on Tuesday (9/13)...it takes only one business day to travel from town-office-in-located-in to my town.  I still don't have it today.  You do the math...

My would-be-boss has been in email contact with me regarding a possible HR orientation day of this coming Monday but OH WAIT, that was cancelled...can you come Thursday afternoon for an orientation at our OTHER office (meaning today and he is telling me about this yesterday afternoon--WTH?).

Are you confused yet?  In the meantime, I had already (at his request) placed a call to the HR contact to see about getting set up for orientation and to tell her that I have no offer letter (even though I already told HIM this and keep in mind, I'm not even an official employee yet).

At the end of the day yesterday, I was left with no call back from HR, no date for orientation, no offer letter AND...a final email from my would-be-boss asking me to "get in touch with HR and get orientation set up as soon as possible".  As I write this, nothing has changed.

I've never had this type of hiring experience before.  And it's giving me an uneasy feeling.  I was already feeling anxious about the job in terms of scheduling appointments and managing kid coverage.  But I was keeping my thoughts positive and feeling like it would fall into place..because we need money and I need this job!

I don't want to miss this opportunity but I'm a big believer in trusting my own gut-instinct. And my instinct is telling me that this hiring experience represents how I will feel as a contracted employee...and it doesn't feel good.

ALSO, after telling me my hourly rate, the would-be-boss already told me the offer would be $2 less per hour than what he initially said.  I thought that over and decided to accept anyway because it's still worthwhile for me to have this job.

I'm having a hard time deciding how much to work with this situation...and when to say "Thanks but I'll keep looking".  I am no closer to starting work today than I was before I even interviewed.  Maybe I should just pursue another company?  What would you do?

I think I've written this post before...

In October of 2008, I was presented with an alarmingly similar situation.

It seems there is a job prospect with my former employer. It's still related to autism services but it is a different position from the one I was in before. This one involves not just evaluation but treatment planning as well. So I won't just be helping families gain access to services for their children, I will be one of the people providing services. This is a full time position.

Once again, this sounds like a great opportunity--it appears that the compensation would be excellent. This time around, I have 3 little kids to think about missing and the youngest one is just shy of 10 months old (last time, Liam was close to 18 months old). This time around, however, it's possible that daycare will not be a factor because Mike will be home with the kids. Although, it would BECOME a factor if an opportunity arises for Mike- so I have to think about that as well...

Rather than worry and fret over potential decisions to be made, I am going to go to the interview tomorrow & then think things over if I get an actual job offer. I'm not sure that my experience level is the right match for this job. I'll know more once I interview tomorrow and find out the specifics.

If it looks like a real possibility, I will be mulling it over in my next post!

From my desk at work...

I am still at work as I post this...

I have some down time between now and the start of a parent information session. Part of my job is provide parents of children with autism the opportunity to attend relevant trainings on topics of interest. This can mean just passing on info about upcoming events but it is also part of my job to hold at least one training of my own each quarter.

Tonight's topic? "Potty Training your Child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder". I've done this presentation twice before and it generally goes over really well. Parents participate and share their own experiences--it makes for a very nice evening.

While I know the presentation has solid information, I feel like a bit of a fraud sometimes because Michael basically potty-trained on his own. Not that we haven't supported, encouraged and assisted him BUT...Michael decided on his own that he wanted to wear underwear and go on the potty. He took that first critical step by letting us know he was ready and that just made it so incredibly easy.

I am always upfront with parents if they ask about my children and I do share some relevant experiences...but I try to keep that to a minimum because who wants to hear someone bragging about their easy potty training experience when their own child is just fiercely resistant to it?
And I am thinking some of these strategies will come in handy with Liam- who I predict will be the harder one to transition from diapers to the potty.

Anyway, that's what I'm up to this evening- I am going to be SO DANG TIRED by the time I get home so wish me luck in getting through the rest of the night. This is my last evening event so that's somewhat comforting given that I am 35 weeks pregnant today!!

P.S.: I may have a part-time opportunity coming along with this job--keep your fingers crossed because that would ROCK!! I am going to need to do something part-time to keep us financially afloat and if I can stick with this, it will be a wonderful thing :)

Giving notice...

This evening, I sent out my official "I won't be returning to full time work" notice to both my boss and her boss. I drafted this about 1.5 weeks ago and then just let it sit for a while so I could think about it and make sure I was ready to drop that news.

And today I was just ready...too many people are starting to ask if I am coming back--I have to notify the daycare--I am a bad liar when it comes to those things. I can only look a certain number of people in the eye & deliver my standard (dishonest) line.

It's the right decision...there are many things that I have become aware of in the past month or so and these things make it clear to me that full time is not the way to go at this point in our lives. The practical side of making it work is something that we need to iron out properly but I have confidence that we can figure out those details.

This pregnancy has changed me and it's not just due to hormonal overload. I can't quite put it into words just yet but a light has been shown on some areas of life that I am neglecting.

Many of my friends balance home and work quite beautifully and I admire what they are able to accomplish. I also acknowledge their great efforts in making things work for their families. I don't feel that same sense of harmony. And I can't say I would feel it even if we weren't about to welcome baby #3.

So that's where we are...I took the coward's way out and sent the email after hours. And tomorrow, I will have the real conversation with my boss. I am hopeful that she will be understanding.

At home today

After posting last night about my current full-time work versus SAHM dilemma, I find myself at home today with my beloved boys who have colds. Liam is a little worse off than Michael but they are both less than stellar.

I probably could have taken them to school and gone to work as usual...but I took pity on them- and myself if I am being honest- and gave us a sick day. I may end up taking Liam to the doctor after nap time because his snot is a gross green & it's highly likely he has a sinus infection or something along those lines. So the sick day is not a waste.

We have not been housebound. We took a quick trip to get a few grocery items and pick up a post-lunch donut treat (and a caramel latte for mommy).

Even so, the boys are CRABBY and SHORT-fused. Work would have been less taxing for me. I found myself getting very frustrated, yelling, threatening "NO DONUT" and all that nonsense. I began to wonder if staying at home was really in our family's best interest if I am crazed after only a few hours.

Finally took a step back, took a deep breath and adjusted my perspective. They really aren't feeling well, they are irritating each other, we waited in line FAR too long at the store due to cashier incompetence/over-chattiness. Their patience was shot...mine was hanging on by a thread as well so I get how they felt.

Once I adjusted my expectations to an appropriate level and took a different approach, things smoothed out quickly. We returned home, unloaded, caught a quick episode of Max & Ruby (seriously, WHERE are the parents of those two??), had lunch and now nap time is in progress. Liam is in a coma and Michael is rearranging the contents of his entire room- quietly.

I could do this- I CAN do this...whatever decision emerges as right for us, we will make it work. Isn't that what we all do each and every day?

SAHM I AM?

So, I've been wrestling with the decision about what to do after baby #3 makes his or her arrival... There are concerns around finances, losing that salary, paying for 3 in full time daycare, all of the rushing around 5 days of the week. Is it all worth it? For my rather smallish post-daycare expense paycheck? But then there is the benefit of the HEALTH benefits and other perks....hmmm...

I would LOVE to stay at home with my children...LOVE it...even with all of the challenges, the ups/downs, the lack of adult interaction, limits around intellectual thought...all those hazards- I would be exponentially happier being home.

I say this knowing that I can still work part-time if I choose to...my chosen career field lends itself to that type of situation. I could still bring in some income, keep myself active in my field AND have the added bonus of more time with my lovely children.

On the OTHER side: Should I give up my job which is ideal in many ways, provides a decent income, is pretty safe/stable even in this economy, has a relatively inexpensive health plan and is a very nice addition to my resume? I really enjoy the job- my only complaint being that at times, I am a bit bored. There is an ebb and flow to the workload (which can also be seen as a benefit). I like the people I work with and the things I learn...I like that I am becoming more and more knowledgeable about autism...I like that I am positive resource to families & even other professionals at times.

I just don't want to regret leaving the job...but I feel the responsibility to inform my employer if I am not returning so that the job can transition smoothly to someone else. As far as I know, they are not hiring a temporary sub during my maternity leave. I feel terrible to take 3 months off and then say, 'Oh, by the way, I'm not going to be back'...I know I have the right to do that but it doesn't sit well with me. I feel that decision-making time is NOW.

I recognize that this is a personal decision for everyone--these are just my thoughts as I consider what might be the best option for our family. I've been on both sides of this one now & there is something to be said for each of the various scenarios that can play out. I'll let you know when I figure it out...

My 9 to 5...(actually 8 to 4)

Despite all of my misgivings about working full-time, leaving my children, balancing life, etc., I can honestly say that I love my job. It feels like I am a part of something good-- and I pretty much need that if I am leaving my children each day. So what exactly do I do?

I am a "case manager" although this role is different from other times that I have held the title case manager. In this role, the main part of what I do relates to running/organizing evaluation days, coordinating scheduling, providing support and followup to parents, conducting workshops for parents and being a resource regarding available services and how to access them. I am also a team member in terms of input during team consultation- which is great. The evaluation days happen 3 days of the month and they are crazy-busy...I don't have a minute to myself those days.. other days are much less stressful!

The autism screening team I am a part of is based out of our county's intermediate unit- in Pennsylvania, special education services for preschool and school age children are provided mostly by these "intermediate units" to sort of streamline things- so that each individual district doesn't have to set up every single program/service independently. While problems exist, I think it is a pretty good system overall.

Anyway, this particular team was created about 5 years ago. And I happened to work for another agency at the time that was invited to send a consultant to be part of this team & I happened to be the person in the right position to be the consultant. So I remember this team when it was just getting started, when things were still falling into place. They created the case manager position when I was about 7 months pregnant with Michael--and I remember wishing I could have applied for it but it didn't really make sense at the time.

This team is meant to be a means of early identification and diagnosis of autism. It is also meant to provide an entry point to the service system for families- so that they don't have to figure out the complexities of accessing necessary services on their own. Children who are involved with Early Intervention, Preschool Special Education and even school-aged children up to second grade can be referred--if there are concerns about a possible Autism Spectrum diagnosis. One of the screening tests for young children is called an M-CHAT, it consists of 23 yes/no questions that can be answered by parents--your pediatrician may have had you fill one out (I hope they did!) when your child was around 18 months old.

The coolest thing about this is that we work in coordination with several other places including CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia). There are 2 developmental pediatricians who come out to our location a few times a month to conduct autism screenings. Others involved include- school psychologists, behavioral health representatives...also anyone working with the child (like a speech or occupational therapist) can attend the evaluation. So parents get to have several people whose expertise is related to autism and developmental delays. They can usually be seen by our team within 3-4 months...if they called CHOP or A.I. Dupont for a similar evaluation, it is an 18-24 month wait list.

We use a play-based assessment test to observe a child's communication and socialization skills. So the kids are playing with bubbles, balloon, various toys-fun stuff for most kids. Along with some diagnostic tools and team discussion, a conclusion is made about the child's needs and diagnosis-if any. The developmental pediatrician also reviews any medical concerns and does a brief physical. Parents receive a formal report and the opportunity to review all of the information with the team...the report is basically their ticket to accessing additional services for their child without too much hassle.

This email is probably so boring but it's hard for me to put into words all of the good work that this team does. I feel like the family has an opportunity to establish a working relationship with members of the team. I have ongoing contact with the family, they see the developmental pediatrician for a 6-month followup. It also helps the family to know that the various people involved with their child are working together.

I am quite sure no parent wants to hear that their child has any delay, let alone autism...but if it were me, I would want to know as soon as possible so that I could start providing my child with whatever was needed to help him be as happy as he can be...

Derailed and Unsettled

So our potty attempted was thrown off by some MESSY diarrhea. I was UNWILLING to deal with that mess more than once. On a positive note, Michael peed on the potty tonight. So we will do what we can during the week and then kick it into high gear again this weekend.

I think on Friday, I am going to steal the 10 fun facts post idea and I have been thinking of what to share and am pleasantly surprised to remember that I DID have a life before children. Imagine that!

As each new week begins, I find that at any given moment, I can feel like we have it together, things are clicking, it's not so bad juggling work/home. Equally, I can feel like everything is falling apart, it's not worth all this effort, I am tired of leaving my kids in the care of others each day. My feelings are always extreme that way...I wish I could settle into some sort of rhythm with all of this. I didn't expect to love this working full time thing so that's no shock. But after 4 months, I still don't feel settled. Am I ever going to?

We made it

I am happy to report that we made it through the week relatively unscathed. VERY tired but still okay. I am HOPING that soon I will be able to say that not only did we make it through but that one or two aspects of our new schedule have become EASIER.

This is where you come in...

Share with me, if you will, any secret you have for the following:

1. MORNING: Getting out the door on time
2. EVENING: Making dinner happen quickly while still maintaining some nutritional value
3. HOUSEHOLD TASKS: Is there a good system/schedule for getting these things done (grocery shopping, bill paying, laundry, basic cleaning) or do you just wing it?

After being home for so long, I am a bit rusty and I have never worked full time WITH two children. I could use some tips!

Hope Floats

Okay, so the only reason for that post title is because something awesome happened this afternoon.

The daycare director at my new job stopped by to tell me...drum roll please...
MICHAEL & LIAM CAN GO THERE!! I am very excited that this worked out because while I was hopeful, I wasn't counting on it. So we need to work out the details but by next Tuesday, they will be in the swing of things. I am introducing the idea to the boys so they are not blindsided and they will visit this week to break the ice.

Other than that, I felt strange today. Aside from trying to learn the ins and outs of this new job, my mind was in a fog. I wasn't weepy or anything but I don't feel like myself. I made it through the day, it was fine but I am still lacking that spark of excitement that I would like to have.

When I got home, the boys were thrilled to see me. Michael was his usual self, happy to see me but nothing out of the ordinary yet. My little Liam, well, he hugged and hugged me...and sat on my lap for about 15 minutes, putting his head on my shoulder and just being a little lovey bear. No tears but wow, he broke my heart with all that cuddling...like he was making up for lost time!
It was the best and worst part of my day.

All the signs are there that this is a GOOD thing, that this job is going to WORK...the opportunity, the timing, the salary, and now the daycare coming through is just the perfection of it all. What is wrong with me? Why can't I see this for what it is?
Oh, just keep praying for me and please don't think I am too much of a baby for my lack of ability to cope with this change.

Tomorrow

So here we are, the night before I start my new job adventure. I am feeling a mix of emotions but mostly a sense of dread. Isn't that terrible? This great opportunity and all I can think is "I don't want to be doing this!"

I am hoping that as I get my feet wet and we establish a routine, the sense of dread will decrease and I will be able to find the good stuff.

Wow and I really wanted to post about Thanksgiving, etc. but my brain is cluttered and foggy. This is going to be harder for me than I thought.

I know I am a big baby and I need to suck it up and move on.
Right now, it's just easier said than done.

Positives:
I am THANKFUL that the boys are not starting daycare until next week...We have this week covered...It makes it easier for me knowing that Michael and Liam are still in a comfort zone, even though I am more absent than what is typical.

I am HOPEFUL that the onsite daycare will be able to take these boys now so that I can be more at ease. I think this would be a great setting for them.

I'll keep you posted :)

The Job Offer

Today, I was offered THE JOB and I accepted it. Tomorrow I am going to check out a daycare- oh I hope that the experience is a good one.

I am going to try to avoid complaining about this opportunity that came along just in time for us. I am thrilled to be offered a job in my field that actually pays a decent salary. And offers many other awesome benefits. Despite my Irish heritage, luck doesn't always come looking for me. But this time it did!

Once I know that my boys will be well cared for, I will feel better. As the adjustment process unfolds, my hope is that it won't be too hard on Michael and Liam. My adjustment is directly related to theirs. I know it is going to be tough but this income is literally essential to our ability to keep our home, etc.

I am feeling more positive today...but seriously, if you pray, can you include me for a little while? And if you don't, can you just send me some good energy?

POSITIVES: Michael taking his awesome nap...Liam running around in his froggie towel after his bath...Michael doing ballet moves in his diaper...Liam using his fork like such a little man...Michael 'reading' me a story...Liam giving Michael a kiss on his head...The love that exists in our family!

Briefly...

It's been a bit of a downer day for me and I just don't have the oomph to write much about it. In a nutshell, major anxiety/sadness centered around the idea that I will be leaving my boys in the care of another in the very near future. I can't even wrap my head around it.

I am grateful for a job opportunity, no doubt. But it is a different kind of sacrifice for me to give up such precious time with my boys. They are already growing up too fast and I don't want to miss anything. Moms do this all the time- how do they do it?

I am hopeful that it will all work out but in the meantime, I am just sad.

Positives:
*I am so thankful for Mike who is so understanding of my feelings and when it really counts, he seems to know what I need to hear.
*Michael had a dentist appointment today and was so cooperative. Last time didn't go so well but today he was really curious and they at least got a good look at his pearly whites.
*Liam, oh my little Liam...something is going on with his teeth- early 2 yr molars?- because he is acting like a teething baby. But he is such a ray of sunshine that even that can't get to him!

Daycare Questions/Random Thought

Question:
If you currently use or have used daycare- what is the setting and how do you like it?

Random:
Does Obama know that his campaign slogan is also Bob the Builder's favorite phrase?
"YES WE CAN!"
Someone else might have already noticed this but I was just wondering...

Figuring this out...

I am in the midst of researching my daycare options, checking prices and hope to visit some potential places in the next week. So I am taking a break from being anxious and arming myself with information so I can figure out what will work best for us. I also had to provide reference info to my potential employer which means I need to tell my current employer that she will be getting a phone call.

As I watch the latest updates on what seems to be a global economic nightmare- or at least a pending one- I am granted some perspective. I feel lucky to have this job opportunity come along...I feel like I need to give it a chance because the market is so unstable and who knows what could happen to Mike's job...I feel that if we can find a good setting for the boys and work it out so they don't have to be there 5 days a week, they will enjoy the social side and the chance to experience something new without being too overwhelmed.

It isn't my first choice to work full-time but it will help us out so much and relieve some of the stress we have been feeling. It will allow me to pay bills without having to use what I call "creative finance"-- you know, figuring out what you have to pay RIGHT NOW and who can wait because you have a 10 day grace period. UGH!

So that's where my head is today...tomorrow there may be more tears.
BTW- thanks for the supportive comments friends :)

Positives from yesterday:
*Michael waved to me and then said "I said hi to you with my fingers"
*Lately when I ask Michael if he wants something, he says "UM, sore (sure)"
*Liam yells "Monny" at the top of his lungs even when I am sitting next to him...then he laughs. He also likes to call me "Jane"- such a little stinker

From today so far:
*I am meeting a good friend of mine tonight to discuss daycare and for moral support
*Liam and Michael both ran up to me with huge smiles and hugs for me before I went off to some work appointments today- they show me so much love every day!
*Mike, Liam and Michael played their version of hide and seek outside today...lots of laughter.

That does it for now- Happy Friday :)

I am in the running...

Positives first because I won't be able to do them after the rest of this post:
*Liam smelled and I asked him if he pooped and he said "I poop" and it was just cute
*Liam changed the channel on the TV and Michael said "What's up with dat TV Monny?"
*From yesterday, Michael peed on the potty twice :)

Now on with the post topic:

The dreaded day has come...I now know that I am one of the candidates for the job I recently interviewed for. Still need to provide references and background check stuff butI don't anticipate any issues.

Full-time; Excellent, relatively inexpensive benefits; Good schedule; Not overly stressful; Full-time; GREAT salary (rare in my field); Area of interest for me; Competent, friendly coworkers; Did I mention that it is a full-time position??

If this opportunity presented itself at any time pre-parenthood, I would have been so excited about it I would be singing and dancing but it's different now.

When I worked full-time after Michael was born, my friend took care of him and I didn't love it but it was pretty easy because I felt confident about his care. But I don't even have daycare options lined up yet. And I am terrified even though I shouldn't be.

I should be so excited- there are so many positives. But my stomach is in a knot- how can I not be with my boys each day? How can I choose to be somewhere else 5 days a week, 8 hours a day? Missing the mornings, the little moments we have each day, putting them down for their naps, just BEING with them.

We could just continue along with what we have been doing. It's really hard and there are times when I really hate the juggling act and the lack of money but we are already doing it so it wouldn't be anything new.

I know Mike wants me to take this job if an official offer comes thru- and logically it does make sense. But my heart is breaking and I just found out about 3 hours ago...and I am already pretty much in tears. I know I have to take this job but I don't know how I am going to do it.

Interview

So my potential opportunity I blogged about here creeps forward into the possibility zone as there is now an interview scheduled for this Tuesday afternoon.

I submitted my resume and let the supervisor there know I had applied (since I already work with her but in a different capacity). She asked me to also send her a copy of my resume because of how slow HR can be and I did that last night. Today there was an email waiting for me asking about when we could meet for an interview.

OMG! I am now freaking out...NOT because I don't think I will get this job but because I am afraid that I will get this job. A little neurotic of me, no?

I know, I know- this is nothing short of a fantastic opportunity. I mentioned before that the salary alone would help our financial woes SOOOO much. I know that I have been blessed to have us scrape by all of this time while I work part-time and have so much time with my boys. I know that many people don't even have the option to do that at all.

But...
yep, there is that little word that holds so much meaning.

Logically, I know that lots of kids go to daycare every day and not only do just fine but often really love it...but I don't care. I want to be with them. I don't want to miss the little things I am privileged to see each and every day. I don't want them to go to daycare. I want them to be with me.

Keep in mind my part-time gig is something I love doing but I am what they call "fee-for-service". There is no regularity to the schedule, I am constantly juggling appointments and kid coverage and trying to submit my billing on time so that I can be paid. Many frustrations that often seem like too much for part-time work. But I am HERE with them...I can play with them and love them and put them down for their naps...and just be their mom most of the time.

Here I go again, worrying about something before it even matters. But I have to process these feelings ahead of time so that I can make a good decision if there is a decision to be made.

Potential opportunities

Is it me or does it seem like things you have been looking/hoping for always appear in twos?
Allow me to elaborate...

In the past 2 days, the following options have presented themselves:

A woman I work with and know at an acquaintance level who is just about to return to part-time work after maternity leave called me to ask if I might be interested in setting up an arrangement where we help each other out with child care. She also has 2 kids (ages 2.5 and 6 months), also works part-time and her prior arrangement is no longer working. THIS is something I have been praying for! She lives close, I know her to be a good person and I am sure we could work out our schedules in a way that would be helpful to both of us. Sounds great, right? So we are going to get together Monday with the kids to let them get to know each other and to discuss the details and see if it's something we want to pursue.

ALSO,

I sit in on an autism screening team at our county's intermediate unit (part of early intervention if that helps) and the coordinator of this team just gave her notice. She sort of gave me a "heads up" about this because she wondered if I might be interested. We often talk about work, kids etc. so she knows me well enough to know that I work part-time and that money is a stressor for us. I have a pretty good understanding of the job responsibilities, the schedule is manageable with really no evening work (unlike my current part-time gig) and the salary is far more than I have ever been paid! Good benefits, good boss, nice facility...lots of pluses.

Mind you, this job isn't even officially "posted" yet, I haven't interviewed, don't even know if the position would be offered to me and I am already sweating the idea of putting the boys in full time daycare, being away from them so much, etc. It's ridiculous. If the salary wasn't so good (VERY good for my field), I wouldn't even consider it. But it is good enough that we could pay for full time daycare for both boys and still be bringing in more money. A couple of other jobs have come up but the salary was not enough.

Why is this so hard to consider? I know that the income would help us on so many levels and yet the idea of leaving Michael and Liam is heartbreaking to me.

At this point, there is no decision to make...and already I am stressed!

PS- Just so I don't seem like a jerk, I did let the work friend know that I am applying for a full time opportunity--so I am not setting something up with her that I am then going to pull out of IF I even get an offer.